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And spoiler: it was.
And on the flip side, Shiloh had never found Dom was worth less with his own struggles. His raging dyslexia and ADHD made school next to impossible, and the idea of university made Dom laugh until he couldn’t breathe. But Shiloh was constantly overwhelmed by Dom’s genius. He was big and rough sounding, and he’d never quite lost all of his Italian accent, and the people around Benld thought he was thick and a bully and figured he’d be one of the few in their year who spent his young adulthood in prison.
The love between them could never and would never be replicated by anyone else, but Shiloh understood perfectly well it would never cross lines or break boundaries, no matter how much he wished for it.
He thumbed his paper swan again, then looked back up at Jules. “So what is your plan?”
Jules ran his hand down his face. “So you know how she’s decided we have to go as couples costumes?”
Shiloh groaned because yes, he did. When they were little, Halloween was hardly a thing. It was something from American films that reminded him a bit of Purim, except with a lot more candy and less baking and sitting in the synagogue pews listening to their ancient rabbi’s warbling voice while pulling faces at his dad’s interpreter, trying to get him to laugh.
Sarah swore she started the trend of trick-or-treating and cheap costumes and liked to take credit with a massive, fuck-off fancy-dress party the last weekend of October. Shiloh didn’t mind in spite of the fact that he was one of their only friends who didn’t drink or date or generally enjoy himself at all in public situations.
He had a reason why, and it wasn’t so much of being an introvert as it was sitting on another secret not even Dom knew. A secret so heavy he rarely even admitted it to himself. And Halloween seemed to threaten his control every year because he was subjected to half the men in their little village walking around doing exactly what he wanted to do.
They paraded through Sarah’s in their fishnet tights and lacy things and short skirts and no one gave a shit.
And God, the fire of need burned deep in his belly, but he didn’t want it for a night. He didn’t want it as a costume.
He wanted to feel soft silk and lace under his clothes, pressed against his skin, all the time. He wanted to have a lover peel them away, laying soft kisses where his skin would tingle. And knowing he wasn’t brave enough to say it aloud to himself told him it wasn’t something he’d ever get.
So he suffered.
In silence.
“Shiloh?”
Clearing his throat, he realized he’d lost the thread of the conversation. “Sorry, mate. I’m just not with it today. What were you saying?”
“I’ve convinced her to chooseThe Corpse Brideas our theme. Only I’m going as…”
“Emily,” Shiloh filled in for him. “I see the genius of it.”
Jules laughed. “Yeah. It’s probably going to be a disaster, but I’m going to ask Dom to help. Maybe bake something I can hide a ring in. He goes mad for all that romantic shit.”
Shiloh winced. He didn’t mean to, but it would always hurt knowing Dom was capable of all the things Shiloh wanted—needed—and he would eventually give them to someone else. He caught Jules’s concerned look and waved him off. “Ignore me. The headache. I’m sorry I keep interrupting.”
“Forgiven,” Jules said far too easily. “Want to crawl under the table and have a quick kip. Just don’t snore, and I’ll tell this wanker you had a family emergency.”
Shiloh laughed and shook his head before spotting a smudge on his lenses. He pulled them off and rubbed them on his shirt. “Not worth it. We’ll be done soon, and I’m hoping he’ll cut out quickly so we can get the earlier train.”
“Don’t hold your breath,” Jules muttered, and as if on cue, the door opened, and the instructor walked in. He looked like every self-important, arrogant professor Shiloh ever had the misfortune to study under.
He was weedy and thin and tall, and he pulled a face at Shiloh. “No sunglasses indoors.”
Shiloh let out a small breath. “Sir, I—”
“He’s colorblind, you ignorant ass. He needs them to see properly, which he told you at the start of this seminar.Yesterday. After you gave him shit about it then.”
“Right, sorry,” he said, sounding anything but. After a beat, he turned toward Jules. “Please open the shades back up. I can hardly see a thing.”
“Absolutely no—”
“Just do it,” Shiloh said under his breath. “It’s only a bonus when I don’t have to look at his face.”
“Lucky bastard,” Jules muttered, then got up to do as he was told like a recalcitrant teenager.
* * *
