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She seems unsure, but she lets it go. “All right. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
The truth is I don’t. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing, but that’s nothing new lately. I haven’t had a grip on things since Hayes’s birthday a week and a half ago.
But I know I’m going to have lunch with Monty’s mom regardless.
I owe her that much.
THE DAYS PASS AND NOTHINGseems to be getting any better. As much as I try to let my life go back to normal, I can’t. I don’t even know whatnormalis anymore. But while I’m stuck in this never-ending nightmare, everyone else seems to go about their lives as if it’s just another day. Even Mali has managed to pick herself back up and moved on.
So why am I still so broken?
Hayes is trying to stay patient and understanding, but I see him slowly getting irritated. He can’t seem to make sense of why I won’t just let it go like everyone else, while I can’t wrap my head around how he can. I expected him to feel some kind of remorse. Regret for what happened because it being an accident doesn’t make it completely guilt free. But there’s nothing. Not a single tear has been shed for the life that was taken.
The arguments come more often, becoming part of our daily routine. He says that I’m nitpicking, and maybe I am. But I can’t help it. My mind is a constant mess, and I’m trying to cling to the life I once had, but I’m not even sure that life exists anymore. Or even if it still can.
IT’S WEDNESDAY MORNING WHENI finally bring myself to tell Hayes about the lunch I’m having with Monty’s mom. Last minute, I know, but I figure if he’s going to try talking me out of it, this way I don’t have to hear it for long. He comes upstairs and sees me dressed, even though he knows I don’t have work today.
“Are you coming with me to the bar, babe?”
Well, here goes nothing.“No. I have plans before I have to be at the rink.”
He actually seems pleased with the fact that I’m getting out of the house when I don’t have to, but I’m sure that won’t last long. “Oh yeah? Going out with Mali?”
“No. Mali’s working today.” I pause. “I’m actually going to have lunch with Mrs. Rollins.”
All of his motions halt. “Mrs. Rollins? As inMonty’s momMrs. Rollins?”
“Mm-hm.” I try to sound as nonchalant as possible.
He turns to face me and I’m not sure if he wants to scream, cry, or panic. Then again, it’s probably all three. He’s trying his best to maintain his composure as he breathes slowly.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” He asks. “The pressure of that is a little much, no?”
I shrug. “Probably, but I already told her I was coming.”
“So? Pretend you’re sick.”
“Oh, so she can be upset about yet another thing in her life right now? No thank you.”
His fingers lace into his hair and he tugs. “What if you break down while you’re there? You’re hardly what I’d call stable lately. What if you slip up and say something that contradicts our story? How do you not see what a colossally bad idea this is?”
With each question he asks, the angrier I get. “Will youstopacting like I’m some fucking damsel in distress?”
He huffs. “Well, you haven’t shown me anything different lately. Laiken, you don’t owe this woman anything.”
“Don’t I?” I snap. “Her son isdead! The body of the boy she birthed and loved and raised is decomposing in the ocean right now! And that’s if it’s even still in one piece. The least I could do is have lunch with her and exchange some stories for her to remember him by.”
He’s pacing back and forth across the room. “Does Mali know about this?”
That question strikes a nerve. “Don’t do that. Don’t bring my best friend into this like I need permission from either of you to do something. It’s just fucking lunch, H!”
“It’s a fucking risk is what it is!” His shoulders sag as he stares at me. “Why are you torturing yourself for this?”
“Because one of us has to!” I shout.
He exhales heavily, shaking his head. “Laiken, I love you but I don’t know what to do with you lately. I just keep trying and every morning I pray to God that you’ll get a little better today. I’ll do whatever it takes to bring back the girl you were before all this happened, but spending time with Monty’s mom isnotthe answer here.”
“No, it’s probably not. I don’t even think there is an answer for this.”
