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The painof heartbreak is all consuming and love is nothing but a parasite. I should’ve stuck by my own rules—kept her at arm’s length. But instead, I let her take up residence inside my chest, gave her everything I had to give, and when she left, she took my heart with her.
I’m cold.
I’m empty.
I’m a broken shell of a man.
And her? Well, I’d guess she’s God-knows-where, living out her life like we didn’t spend the summer falling in love with each other. Little did I know, she could fly.
But I hit the ground.
A Year and a Half Later
Let it be known that twenty-two is far too young to take on the world. No matter how strong you try to be, there’s always going to be something that breaks you. But what happens when you refuse to even bend?
I wear my skin like a shield of armor, and I’m pretty sure I’m too numb to feel anything anymore. It’s as if my nerves shut off in an effort to protect me, because the day she walked out of my life was only the start of the downward spiral that has become my new normal.
Getting out of my truck, I check my reflection in the window and hold my head high. I don’t have the luxury of anything else. Letting myself break isn’t an option. Not when she’s depending on me.
New Horizons of Calder Bay.
The sign on the door looks way too happy for what this place represents. There haven’t been many times where I left here with a smile on my face—not when I know she’ll never make it out of here alive. The hope of that died six months ago. And I’m guessing that this meeting is only going to confirm my darkest fear.
My mom is dying.
I walk into the conference room with a level of confidence they can’t tell is just me faking it until I make it. It’s the only way to survive anymore. The director of the nursing home sits at one end of the table, surrounded by a few of my mom’s doctors and a nurse from the local hospice organization. It’s been something we’ve tried to avoid. The word feels like giving up, and none of us have been willing to do that yet, but there’s only so much that can be done before that becomes the only option.
“Mr. Wilder,” the director greets me. “Thank you for coming. Is your sister here as well?”
I shake my head. “She’s away at college. But as my mother’s sole Power of Attorney, it shouldn’t be an issue.”
“Very well.” He nods once. “Dr. Chen, would you like to begin?”
Dr. Chen is my mom’s oncologist. She was assigned to my mom in the hospital, when the cancer that inhabited her brain was found. And the kindness she has shown my sister and me over the last year has earned her my respect. But the grave look on her face gives me no hope for good news.
“Unfortunately, Hayes, the chemotherapy and radiation no longer seem to be working,” she tells me. “We’ve tried upping the intensity of the treatments, but I’m afraid if we continue to do that, it will jeopardize her quality of life.”
Fuck. “What about the clinical trial we talked about?”
She frowns. “Once the cancer spread to her kidney, she became ineligible.”
“So, I’ll give her one of mine. Book the surgery and I’ll be there.”
Dr. Chen reaches out and puts her hand on mine. “H, I’m sorry. The clinical trial is not an option we have anymore. And you know she would never let you give her an organ. Even if that were a solution, she’d block it before we got started.”
She’s not wrong. My mom is nothing if not protective of her kids. She didn’t even tell us about how she hadn’t been feeling well. We had to find out through a doctor at the hospital. There I was, hoping and praying the symptoms she was experiencing weren’t early onset dementia, and the reality was so much worse.
I swallow down the lump in my throat as I let the wall that I’ve built around myself block out the pain. “Okay. Where does that leave us?”
“Well, we could continue what we’re doing,” she suggests. “But there’s not much chance of it starting to work after this long. And we have reason to believe that’s not something your mom wants.”
“What?” My brows furrow. “No. My mom is a fighter. She wouldn’t give up like that.”
They all look to Dr. Tracy, my mom’s therapist, and she gives me a sad smile. “She’s tired, Hayes. You’re right, she is a fighter, but she’s very tired. I think the only reason she’s still trying to beat this is because of you and Devin. But she’s exhausted.”
I drop my head, holding back the tears as the pain finds its way through. My mom has always put us first. I can’t remember a time where she didn’t. And deep down I know Dr. Tracy is right.
“So, what we’re getting at here is you all recommend she stop treatment and begin hospice. Am I right?”
