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There’s no way I can explain this. Not in a way that doesn’t risk her view of her son. I’d much rather her place the blame on me. After all, itismy fault.
“It’s complicated,” I answer. “Really complicated.”
“It must be if it made you leave him after the way I saw you two look at each other,” she says.
I smile sadly. “I still look at him that way. I think I always will.”
“Have you tried telling him that?”
Yeah, right.“That would require him letting me tell him anything at all. He doesn’t want me here, and I don’t hold that against him. I know I hurt him.”
She scrunches her nose. “I don’t mean to make you feel worse. I really don’t. Buthurtis a bit of an understatement, honey.”
My head drops. “Would you believe me if I told you everything I did was what’s best for him?”
It’s quiet for a second before she answers. “Surprisingly, yes. I believe you love him, Laiken. That’s never been something I’ve questioned. I think that’s why I was so shocked when you left the way you did.”
“I do,” I confirm. “I love him. I’m always going to love him. I mean, it’s been like five years of it. I don’t think I remember what it’s like tonotlove him.”
“It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?”
God, I knew this would hurt, but this feels like a blowtorch straight to my heart. Or pouring salt in the wounds Hayes’s words left on me last night. I hold her hand and hate the way her skin feels so much cooler to the touch than mine.
“I thought he would be okay,” I admit. “But he’s not okay.”
She purses her lips. “How could he be? He’s dealt with so much over the last couple years. He probably feels like the blows just keep coming. But even so, he’s been my rock through all of this.”
That brings a smile to my face. “I’m not surprised. He would do anything for you.”
“He’d do anything for you, too,” she tells me.
I shake my head. “Not anymore. There was a time he would have, but not after what I did. He made that very clear last night.”
Her brows raise for a second as my words register. “He’s stubborn. You and I both know that. But he loves you. He’s just hurting. The pain he was in when you left…I’ve never seen him like that. So desperate and broken. You don’t get over that kind of love, no matter what he says.”
I wish I could believe her. I really do. It would make all of this so much easier. At least before I came back, I could let my imagination run wild—picture him catching me as I ran into his arms. I could convince myself that he would be happy to see me and relieved that I’m back. But the way he looked at me last night was so cold. The hatred that burned in his eyes made me feel like I was personally responsible for every negative thing that ever happened to anyone.
“Do you mind if I ask why you came back?” she asks.
“I heard about his accident. That call ripped my heart right out of my chest and set it on fire. I couldn’t stay away from him anymore.”
“And what about now? What are your plans?”
It’s a question I’ve been asking myself since two nights ago, when I pulled into the motel parking lot instead of turning toward the highway. There’s a voice inside of me that’s screaming for me to leave. That I shouldn’t be here and that I’m only making things worse for everyone I care about. And after my talk with Cam this morning, I think it’s probably best that I go. But there’s still that part of me that wants nothing more than to stay.
“I’m not sure,” I tell her honestly. “I mean, I think I should go, but…”
“But you want to stay for him,” she finishes for me, and I nod. “You know, there’s a chaplain that has been coming to see me a lot lately. Praying with me and just being a good friend. And the other day, when I officially started hospice, he asked me if I’m afraid to die.”
The lump in my throat doubles in size, listening to her mention the inevitable outcome in all of this. “Are you?”
“No,” she says with a smile. “I’m young, yes, and let’s be honest, it sucks that my life won’t be longer. There are so many more things I’d love to see and do. But the years I have lived, they’ve been so full of love and joy. I’ve gotten to watch my kids grow and even saw one marry the love of his life—something I had given up on, if I’m honest. He never seemed like the type until you. I’ve helped people feel better, and I’ve been there for some during their worst times. I know there’s a place for me in heaven. One with a view where I can watch everyone I love. And I don’t have a single regret.”
She reaches up with a shaky hand and tucks some hair behind my ear, smiling at me kindly, the same way she always has. I don’t know how she’s not holding my actions against me. If someone hurt my son the way I hurt hers, I’d probably give them valid reasons to take out a restraining order against me. But not her.
“Don’t live with regrets, Laiken,” she murmurs softly. “If my son is the one you want, then I think you should fight for him. Fight for your love, because I’ve seen it. I’veexperiencedit. And it’s so special. Somewhere beneath all of the hurt and the anger, he knows that, too. But only do it if you know without a doubt that he’s what you want. You can’t get him back just to walk out on him again. He won’t make it through that.”
The emptiness in my chest that yearns for him demands to be felt. “Trust me, it was hard enough to do the first time. If I thought for a second we still had a chance, I wouldn’t even consider leaving. But I’m pretty sure he’s done. There’s no coming back from this.”
