AllFreeNovel
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Someone knows.
For over a year and a half, I’ve been telling myself that all of that was behind me. Behindus. But I was wrong, because there’s someone out there who has been holding it over Laiken’s head like a guillotine—waiting for their moment to strike.
God, I wish she would’ve told me. I wish she would’ve said something instead of walking out the door and letting me believe my worst fears were confirmed—I wasn’t good enough for her. I get it, she was trying to protect me, but even prison would’ve been better than that.
I’ve spent so much time trying to hate her, thinking maybe it would make being without her easier. I would lie there for hours and replay all the negative things in my head. Even the sound of her voice telling me to stop looking for her played on a loop in my mind like my head was a torture chamber made just for me. But having her home now, it’s still so fucking hard.
It's hard to be around her and not want her. Everything we had, it’s still there, lingering in the background. I can still feel the electricity in the air between us. And it’s so tempting to fall back into it. To fall back intoher. But I can’t. The anxiety of the thought alone is overwhelming, sending me retreating into a dark corner where no one can ever break me like that again.
If I stop being angry, I know that’s exactly what will happen. I’ll end up letting my guard down and falling back into everything she is. And that’s not something I can risk.
I won’t survive it.
Rolling over, I grab my phone off my nightstand and call Cam. If I keep lying here, thoughts of Laiken are going to eat me alive. I need to get out for a bit. Take my mind off it.
“What’s up?” he answers.
Thank fuck. “You home? I need a beer.”
Cam chuckles. “You’re literally above a bar right now.”
My eyes roll. I’m really not in the mood for this shit. “Fuck you. Forget I called.”
“Shut up and come over,” he says with a sigh, realizing it’s a little more serious than he originally thought.
The two of us hang up without so much as a goodbye, and I climb out of bed. Hopefully Laiken isn’t still downstairs when I go to leave.
CAM’S DOOR IS UNLOCKEDwhen I get there, but even if it wasn’t, I have a key. Just like he has a key to my place. Mali laughed and called it our bromance, but that never surprises me. She’ll latch onto anything if it means she gets to fuck with us about it.
My best friend is sitting on the couch, and I walk over to sit beside him, grabbing a controller off the coffee table. The one right next to the ice cold beer he has waiting for me. He watches me intently with his eyes narrowed to slits as he tries to figure me out.
“You want to talk about it?”
I don’t even look at him as I answer. “Nope.”
And that’s the only thing said out loud before I crack open the beer and we start playing a game of NHL Center Ice.
VIDEO GAMES ARE ALWAYSthe perfect distraction. You’re so focused on what you’re doing that other thoughts don’t even have the opportunity to fuck with you. It was a big part of how I got through the first few months without Laiken.
I was barely eating, hardly taking care of myself at all, and my hair was practically matted to my head, but I was a fucking master at just about every video game around. I even got Mali to play some with me a few times, but she never has been a graceful loser, and I wasn’t about to let her win.
I like her, but I don’t like herthatmuch.
An hour or so into the game, a knock at the door makes Cam pause it as he gets up to answer the door. There’s only one person who would come over this late, but it’s never unannounced. When I see who walks in, however, I understand why this time is different.
Mali drags a hyperventilating Laiken in behind her. Each breath she takes is shallow, and she’s trying to let out a lot more air than she’s taking in. Cam’s eyes widen in a panic as he looks between his sister and Mali.
“What the fuck is going on?”
I brace myself for what’s to come, my first thought being that I caused this. Fucking her and then leaving her there—that brought her to this. To the point of an everlasting panic attack. And even with as furious as I am at her right now, the sight of her speaks to the parts of me I try to keep tucked away.
“I can’t get her to calm down,” Mali says. “Every time I even come close to normalizing her breathing, she spirals again.”
Laiken grips her chest, looking like she’s experiencing the worst pain of her life.
Cam grabs her arms and positions himself so she’s forced to look at him. “Lai, breathe. You have to breathe.” But it’s not working, and she starts to fall to the ground. “Shit. Do we have to bring her to the hospital?”
Yeah, I can’t do this. I can’t sit around and do nothing while she breaks down to nothing. Even if she brought me to a point just like this, I have to do something.
