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“No, no, I know.” He sighed again. He kissed her forehead. “It’s not an attack,” he whispered.
She didn’t believe him.
First thing that day, she had to go back to her field practicum, shadowing the social worker. She sat there and felt numb as they filled out all the paperwork regarding yesterday. She found out that yes, the fae boyfriend had died in the hospital, that his body had just given out. She wasn’t surprised, of course.
She knew now that this was not the career for her.
She wasn’t sure why she’d ever thought it could be.
She’d gotten an undergraduate degree in sociology, a sort of ridiculous degree that led nowhere, and she didn’t know how anyone had let her get by with it. Her parents should have said to her,Hey, Dahlia, what are you going to do with a sociology degree?But it was just indicative of the way her parents had already written her off.
She was the damaged one. The one with the strange, burnt wings and the moody episodes (because even before she’d presented with her full raven mocker attributes as a teenager, she’d been different than everyone in her family), and she got the impression her parents were just relieved she functioned at all.
It wasn’t that her parents didn’t love her. They did. They wanted the best for her. But they couldn’t seem to disguise how disappointed they were that she wasn’t like them or how completely out of their depth they felt when dealing with her.
She hated that.
She wished…
But she hadn’t studied people and society and families and psychology for six years of her life and not come to realize that everyone felt as though their parents had failed them. And that they were right. Everyone’s parents did fail them. Parents did their best, but no one was perfect.
Anyway, she’d sort of gotten close to getting her undergraduate degree and realized she didn’t know what to do with herself, and basically… well, she didn’t want things to change. She liked Shepherdstown. She liked going to school. She liked Tommy. She just… well, she decided to keep going to school more than anything else.
Shepherd University did not have a vast array of master’s programs, so her options were limited. Social work seemed connected to sociology and she wanted to help people and… here she was.
But it was the stupidest idea she’d had in her life.
She couldn’t be around sick people. Because sick peopledied. She would lose her mind, lose control, and she would hurt someone.
She considered dropping out of the program.
Just, fuck it, never going back…
But.
That was dumb.
Having a master’s degree, even if she didn’t use it for social work, was an asset. She needed to graduate. Then, maybe she’d figure something else out. Maybe she could teach? Of course, she hadn’t really gotten the right sort of masters if she wanted to teach. Maybe she’d just find a way to keep going to school.
But going to school meant moving, because there were limited postgraduate programs here at Shepherd University. She didn’t want to move. Shepherdstown was the only place she’d ever belonged.
No, maybe the restaurant.
With Niles.
It was only that she and Niles were probably going to break up.
What? Where did that thought come from?
She didn’t want to break up with Niles. No way. Niles was so good to her. Niles made her feel special and appreciated and cherished. Niles chose her and only her. Niles was in love with her and she was in love with him.
But the idea burrowed into her, like the seed of some ruinous weed, and it took root.
She couldn’t seem to stop thinking it, over and over again.
It was over. Her and Niles.
You fucked it up with him,said a voice in the back of her head, one that was unfeeling, matter-of-fact, and disgusted with her.You should have never thought someone like you could have a real relationship. You can’t have that. Look at you. You’re damaged in a way that no one can ever accept. You’ve always known this. It’s pathetic when you pretend otherwise.
