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I scoffed at that. “I’m fairly certain that your brother’s duties as the next-in-line was to have babies.”
“But can you imagine Angel as afather?” Lili countered, and then it hit her just how rude the words were. “I mean, he’s going to be great. I’m notworriedor anything —”
I waved her off. “I can’t imagine it either,” I said, “but I can’t really imagine being a mother either.”
“You must have thought about it though?”
I shrugged and picked at my salad. Even though I had ordered it without onions, I could smell the sharp tang, and it was making my stomach flip inside out. Was that morning sickness? Or anxiety? “I want to be as good as my mother,” I said. “She was…amazing.”
“Your best friend?” Lili asked, and she sounded genuinely curious.She doesn’t remember her mother, I thought. She was just a baby when their mother killed herself; she never had the opportunity to know what a mother truly was like.
I shook my head. “When I was growing up, my mother was very firm about being a mom, if that makes sense. She loved me more than anyone in the entire world and told me so, but she also knew when it was time to be a parent.” I smiled. “There were times when I was a teenager where I really thought I hated her, you know? We got intosomany fights…but I always knew that she loved me. I never questioned that. When she got sick, and I had to take care of her, that’s when we became friends.” Tears stung my eyes, and I wiped my face. “I miss her.”
Lili, bless her, had the decency not to look completely uncomfortable. “I think that’s natural,” she said. “To want your mother at a time like this. I know I wanted mine when —” Her words cut off in a gasp, like she hadn’t meant to say that.
I glanced at David, who was staring at his phone; he was either scrolling through videos, or he was on a dating app. Still distracted, thankfully. I scooted closer to Lili. “Have you been pregnant before?” I asked.
Lili wouldn’t look at me; she was suddenly fascinated by the half-eaten burger on her plate. “When I was in high school, I went to a magnet school that had dorms,” she said softly, keeping her voice pitched low so that David wouldn’t overhear. “I met a boy, thought I was in love, and I got pregnant.”
“What happened?”
Lili’s smile turned sad, almost haunted. “Mattie and I made all these plans about our future. We were going to run away together and raise a little family.” She rolled her eyes. “God, I was such a child.” She glanced over at me, and there was something heartbreaking in that look. I wanted to hug her, but I kept my seat. We couldn’t draw anyone’s attention to us, after all. “My son died while I was giving birth,” she said. “The cord had been wrapped around his neck, and it was too late…I didn’t even get to hold him.”
My chestachedfor her. Without realizing it, my hand had drifted to my belly, and I had to actively put my hand back where it was on the table. “You didn’t tell anyone?” I asked.
“And risk Padre murdering Mattie?” Lili shook her head. “I took it as a sign from the Universe that I needed to get my shit together, you know? I broke up with Mattie, worked hard to graduate early, and then I came home.” She took a shuddery breath — the first sign that the story was affecting her in any way. “We didn’t even hold a funeral for him, you know? Mattie said his family would arrange for a cremation, and that was that.”
“Do you —?” I didn’t know how to ask my question.
“Do I still think about him?” Lili guessed, and I nodded. “I think about my son every day,” she said. “I wonder who he would have looked like, what kind of person he would have become; I wonder what kind of mother I would have been.”
I reached over and took her hand then. It wasn’t the hug I wanted to give, but she wrapped her fingers around mine and squeezed hard. “You would have been a good mother,” I said.
She scoffed. “You’re a liar,” she said. “I was a teenager who didn’t know anything about anything; I would have been a disaster…but thank you for saying it anyway.” She squeezed my hand again. “You’regoing to be a good mother.”
I wanted to tell her that she was going to be an amazing aunt — she seemed to be expecting it — but the words were stuck in my throat. I wasn’t planning on raising this child within a thousand miles of the Castillos; I couldn’t lie and tell this woman that she was going to get to be an amazing aunt because she would never get the chance.
My body ached at the memory of Angel holding me this afternoon. Why did he demand that I look at him? Why couldn’t he keep it impersonal, like it had been when he first pulled me into that bathroom? Every time with him was intense, but his demand that I keep my eyes on him had made my blood boil. In the end, he’d still been Angel. The moment he was done, the wall had come back up, and he’d left me there alone.
“What’s wrong?” Lili asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing,” I said and tried to take a bite of my salad, but the smell of hidden onions made me gag.
“Emma,” Lili said, “you are aterribleliar. What’s going on?”
“If I say it, then it’s real, and I’m not sure I want it to be yet, okay?”
Lili’s brow furrowed. “Tell me,” she demanded. It was the same expression she had when I told her about Tío Andre pinning me to the wall. Unlike Angel, Lili had been sympathetic. Horrified and angry, yes, but not at me. She was doubly upset when I told her how Angel reacted, but I had made her promise not to say anything to him. He was already mad at me; I didn’t want to make it worse by letting him know that I had told anyone.
“I can’t stay.”
The words were out, and some of the weight that had been on my shoulders relaxed…until I saw the look on Lili’s face. It was a cross between fury and horror. “What do you mean?”
“The day I took the pregnancy test, your uncle assaulted me,” I said, “and then your brotherblamedme for being in the wrong part of the house. How on earth could I raise a baby in that place? How could any good mother raise a child there?”
“Iwas raised in that house,” Lili said. “My brothers were raised in that house.”
“No offense,” I said, knowing full well that she was going to be offended, “but you were raised by a housekeeper after your mother killed herself. Your father had Angel shoot someone before he graduated from high school. I wouldn’t call that a shining example of childhood.”
