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“If what?”
“It’s almost like he did all that stupid shit just to get your attention.”
Butterflies swarm in my belly at the thought. I’d never looked at it that way before. I was so caught up in being angry at him and plotting ways to get revenge that I’d never stopped to consider why all this was happening to begin with.
Thoughts of our argument last night hit the forefront of my mind, and an overwhelming sense of sorrow looms over me like a dark cloud.
“Yeah, well, I don’t think he will be seeking my attention anymore.”
“Why, what happened?”
Needles prick along the back of my throat as I recall the hurt on his face when I told him I hated him. Even though it was far from the truth, the words just came out as if on reflex. My mind was in a tailspin over what had happened between us, and fear took the driver’s seat, determined to keep him at a safe distance.
Sorrow builds up inside, realizing that the distance I aimed for was most likely accomplished. “I said some pretty hurtful things to him, Lex,” I croak, swallowing back the lump forming in my throat. “I fucked up.”
Looking down at my half-drunk coffee, the sight blurs in front of me as tears cloud my vision.
“What did you say?” she asks softly.
“A lot of stupid things, but mainly that I hated him.” I shake my head and keep my gaze averted from hers, in the fear that if we make eye contact, I’m liable to burst into tears. “But… I didn’t mean it. I honestly didn’t. I just couldn’t wrap my head around how we could go from constantly fighting one minute to suddenly fucking each other’s brains out the next.”
“Look at me, Kenzie,” she says in a firm yet appeasing tone, then reaches across the table and places her hand on mine. Inhaling a shaky breath, I reluctantly peer up and meet her stare.
“Talk to him,” she says with conviction, squeezing my hand. “You’re confused, and with your past history, it’s understandable. But you must realize that this game you two have been playing had to end eventually. Somewhere along the line, something was going to give. Whether it was by you two finally hooking up or meeting other people and settling down.”
The thought of Owen settling down with someone other than me has a tight band of urgency twisting in my gut.
“I was scared, Lex,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. “I was just so scared that he wasn’t serious about this, and it was all just one big game to him. I mean, playing games with each other is all we’ve ever known, but—” I pause as my mind wanders back to the hopeful expression on his face when he suggested a date and how, when I threw it back at him, that hope seeped from him like water disappearing down a drain. It was the same look he had on his face when he asked me to dance at prom, but I never really tried to analyze the meaning of it until now.
“But what?” Lexi asks, interrupting me from my thoughts.
“The look of hurt on his face last night after I told him I hate him. I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve told him I hate him countless times, and he’s never looked at me like that.”
“That’s because he’s in love with you,” she says, with a certainty that makes my breath catch in my throat, hindering my ability to speak. “And you love him too, even if you aren’t ready to admit it. And the problem you both have is that you can’t seem to communicate with each other without acting like idiots. But we’re not kids anymore. We’re grown up now, and it’s high time that you both started acting your age rather than like a couple of confused teenagers, dancing around their feelings and doing stupid shit.”
I exhale a long breath as I nod my head. She’s right. These childish games should have ended a long time ago, but I guess, in some ways, it was the only thing keeping us connected. As ridiculous and dysfunctional as they were, it was all we had.
It was us.
“Talk to him,” she says with a solemn look.
“What do I tell him?”
“The truth.”
The thought of laying my heart on the line for Owen has fear clawing at my insides. “What if I’ve blown it, Lex?” I swallow hard before continuing, “What if he rejects me?”
“It’s a risk you’re going to have to take,” she says, looking at me thoughtfully. “A broken heart is only temporary, Kenzie. You will recover from it. But living with regret can stretch on for a lifetime. Sometimes we must put ourselves out there; otherwise, we will always wonder what might have been.”
The truth and wisdom in her words resonate deep within. A broken heart will always heal, but regret can plague you for the rest of your life. I have to talk to him, even if the outcome is the decimation of my heart.
* * *
I wasn’tsure what to expect when I walked into the diner today. I think deep down, I was hoping Owen would perhaps throw out some smart-ass comment when I entered the kitchen. To be honest, it would have been a lifeline. At least then, I would know everything was going to be okay.
But he didn’t.
When his eyes met mine as I entered through the kitchen doors, he gave me nothing but a curt nod before turning his back on me and going about his business.
