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I don’t know how to process this information. I feel like Ishouldwant to go to the police. That’s what I should want. But I’m not sure I care about this woman’s death. I don’t need confirmation of how it happened.Do I? Does he?
Does that make me a shitty person?
I muse. “Are you going to ask him?”
“I don’t think I want to know.” He pauses. “I don’t think I have to know anymore. I trust him.” He laughs, proudly. “Fuck. I said that? Yeah, I did. I guess I trust him.”
Months ago, before Xander and I first collided, his brother tied me up to interrogate me about that stupid fire… He let me go. I know who Clay Butcher is. I wasn’t afraid of him then, and— “I’m not afraid of your brother.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“But—” I try to feel something for this woman. It’s hard to find empathy when carving into my brain are images of Xander huddled in a wardrobe. No one to protect him from the monsters… I look at his tattoo. The one above his new rabbit.‘Monsters are made.’That’s where I feel weak. That’s where I ache. “I’m so sorry, Xander.”
“Hey,”—he runs his nose along mine— “you just said you’re sorry. I thought we didn’t say that. What do you have to be sorry for? You didn’t do anything.”
“I actually am sorry, though. I’m sorry I complained about my parents when…” I shake my head. “I feel so out of touch—"
“I didn’t tell you this to make you feel shitty. I told you this because I’m going to be with you. I want you to know me. The dirty, broken parts. The things that torment me. You should know before…” He grins softly, the curve sliding upward, crooked and annoying, andugh.It’s both sad and happy, and he’s still too cute. “You think I don’t remember that I asked you to marry me, Woman?”
I drop my gaze to the bathwater between our bodies, not wanting him to see anything in my eyes like…‘Yes. I remember. I would have said yes. Ask me again?’
“Oh. Did you?” I hide my feelings in a tone of mockery. “I don’t remember. You might have to say it again.”
“Hey, that’s my trick.”
“Kidding. It was just one of those things,” I begin, deflecting, “A heat of the moment feel—"
“No. It wasn’t a heat of the moment feeling, but it was wrong—” My face drops, so he cups my cheeks, directing my gaze to his. His eyes whirl with intimacy, so hypnotising I get lost in them. “No, Baby, what I mean is that it was wrong because you deserve the big finish. The sweet, slow lead-up to the moment. Me down on one knee. So when you stage that important event with your Sylvanian rabbits, it’ll be picture-perfect. The perfect version.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWO
xander
Lying on my back,staring blankly at the ceiling, the lifeless, yet stunning eyes of Shoshanna’s sister drill into my mind.I think about Akila…
About her life.
What that might be like.
Restless, I leave Kaya asleep in my bed, grabbing my phone from the bedside drawer and ambling quietly downstairs to get myself a drink. Such a simple thing… What if I’m not able to do that simple thing for myself?
I can’t be that man.
Sitting down at the kitchen table, I call my sister-in-law, Shoshanna. She’s not a neurologist, but she’s a damn good doctor who dedicates her life to working with people who are cognitively impaired.
As the phone rings, I swallow over a lump in my throat. I’m not an idiot. I want a life with Kaya, but I need to know what that means for her. I won’t be taking this lightly or letting myself run out of time.
It's a quick fall. One minute, I could be fine, and the next, unable to make decisions for myself. And this isn’t just about me. This is about her, too.
“Xan. How’re you feeling?” Shoshanna’s husky voice sails through the phone. “You okay? It’s late.”
“Yeah.” I breathe, nodding and slouching back into the dining room chair. “I’m alright. How’s Bron?”
“He’s better today. He’s better now that he spent time with you. He was devastated, Xan. I’m not sure I’ve seen him that...lost.Not since we were seventeen, anyway.”
“Yeah.I get that.” My pause stretches, so I click my tongue to add to the still. Shoshanna waits for me to speak and when I don’t, she sighs with knowing.
“Xan, what’s this about?”
