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I have a month…
Don’t tell me more.
I can’t handle it.
Knowing I may never have stories, memories from months and years to draw on and—
On a deep exhale, she leans back into the chair. Slowly, she blinks over at us. My eyelids mimic hers, wrestling with the burning need to cry even more.
Don’t cry.
Not again.
I want to twist to face her, want to listen to everything she shares, but if I do, I’ll fucking unravel. They don’t knowmyXander. The one that shares a soul with me, that is a rabbitfor me, a contronym like me, and a hothead—and mine. They don’t know him.
"We met his first day of high school,” she begins. “His first hour, actually. I was held back. I was also born at the end of the year so I'm nearly two years older than him.” She swallows thickly, and I look at her.
Quietly, I want more. Want it all. What was he wearing? Did he have a dark floppy fringe?Yes.I think he did. Wishing the memory was mine and Xander’s and we met in high school. High school sweethearts. Kaya and Xander. I would own every one of his kisses and he would have all of mine… all the perfect scenes.
She draws me from my fairy-tale when she says, “We were in class. Doing the dumb introduction thing, the teacher asked us to say our name and a favourite quote. I said, ‘Stacey Grange, and you attract what you are, not what you want.’ I wanted to get it all over with, but Xander's hand shot up. And he said to me, ‘What are you?’ Everyone cracked up laughing, but he didn't mean it as a joke. He was so serious. He stared at me like he needed the answer desperately. So, I said, ‘I don't know.’ I couldn't believe this kid. Only 12-years-old. Just so intense. So pensive. He said, ‘Yeah, me neither. So how can we attract what we want?’”
A smile pulls across my lips as tears burn a track down my face. That issomy hothead.
They do know him.
I can picture him…
The floppy fringe.
The crooked smile.
Intensely passionate.
Passionately intense.
Stacey wipes at her eyes. “I just couldn't shake him after that. I didn't want to. He had the purest heart and darkest journey. And when we were in high school, we were inseparable. I've been busy, ya know? I haven’t been there for him... I've been with my girlfriend, Flick. And just life. Work gets in the way—” Her voice cracks open on the wordway.“It doesn’t mean I can live without him, ya know? I just— Not sure what my life looks like without him on speed dial."
Fawn’s lower lip wobbles. "He's going to be okay."
"His mind is my favourite thing about him,” Stacey says, her voice a solemn cadence, and I can’t cope.
Can’t listen anymore.
I jump to my feet, needing space, a ticket to the moon, to him, just… away. Unbidden jealousy stabs at my insides. “I have to get something.” I don’t explain. Can’t.
My legs tremble as I stride away. I don’t look back, but my skin prickles under their gaze. It’s warm. Like Xander.
I head straight through the sliding doors, lengthening my stride, needing to get my case that holds all my critters and sets.Desperateto hold two rabbits in my palm.
Clutch them.
Together.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-NINE
kaya
It’s beenfour hours and twenty-nine minutes since Xander was wheeled away from me, and I’m thankful the nurses and doctors let me occupy my time with this… plan.
