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Hey little buddy,
Firstly, everything is going to be okay. I promise.
And you’re reading this, so fucking ey, you got through surgery with your literacy intact. I knew you would—see, that’s a damn lie. I didn’t know. I even prayed on it. And I think that’s when you know you’re really shit scared, more shit scared than you’ve ever been before, when you pray to a God you don’t believe in.
So, that leads me to the point of this letter, because you’re gonna be okay, but you’re gonna have a badarse headache and a few screws rattling around that beautiful head of yours. What you need to do is this: talk about it. Tell us what’s happening.
Because, I should have told you so many times, buddy. I should have told you before today. And I’m doing it now because I want your words. I want you to talk about it with me. Don’t be like me… Don’t keep it in your head, beautiful brother. When those demons come, talk about them. I should have. ‘Cause, I’m not right in the head, but you already know that. One day, I was fine and the next, I couldn’t stop the laughter in my mind. I’m sorry I never talked about it with you. I really should have. When it hurts too much, the laughter is hysterical.
The laughing starts whenever things get tough. I heard it when Shoshanna left, when Cassidy was attacked, when Max was locked away, and I heard it the moment that doctor told my baby brother he might lose his mind. You wanna know which was the loudest? That last one, buddy. That. Fucking. Last. One.
‘Cause, you’re the light of my life, beautiful brother. You’re the thing that kept Maxipad and me from becoming inhuman bastards. We didn’t keep you alive—you kept us alive. You are our kid brother. You’re our kid. Our first love was with you, buddy, when we saw you in that bassinet all alone. We sat on the floor beside it and played with our Transformers. We ate dinner there. We slept there. We rocked you when you cried. We kissed you goodnight every damn night. Even Max did. Don’t fucking laugh, buddy. It’s true. He loves you.
And I don’t want this for you.
It’s hard to cope with mental illness. You’re meant to trust your mind, but, buddy, now I need you to trust your gut. And… your girl.
Don’t be stubborn. I know you can be. You might feel stoned. You might feel drunk. Remember, your brain is not always right, but that doesn’t change who you are inside. You’re there. I’m here. When I’m lost, I see Bronson in Shoshanna’s eyes, and you’ll see Xander in Kaya’s. When you can’t feel him, look into her eyes. He’s in there. I promise. I promise. You’ll find him. Be patient with yourself, and don’t expect too much.
You’re going to be okay.
You’re going to be okay.
You’re going to be okay.
I promise.
-Your brother always,
Bronson
CHAPTERFORTY-ONE
kaya
For hours,we dwell in the ominous current of our pained emotions, but when the wives and children arrive, the energy shifts for them—mellows to the undeniable sadness none of us can stifle.
It’s strange to have Cassidy’s daughter, Kelly, and Stone interacting and giggling with ignorant bliss. Fatigue builds in my forehead and around my eyes. I wish for sleep. For innocence. For carefree days. I envy them as they play on a picnic rug that Cassidy laid out between our green chairs. Fresh-faced. Unaware.
Fawn is sitting there, too, cross-legged and speaking quietly with Kelly and Stone about fairies.
“They grant wishes,” Fawn whispers.
“I wish for Uncle Xander to get better…” Kelly pauses. “And for five cookies after dinner.”
“Those are good wishes,” Fawn agrees gently.
To the right of me, Shoshanna sits with her hand in Bronson’s lap, her fingers through his. He stares at their weaved fingers, never looking up. His letter is burning a hole in my jeans… I wonder if the words are on repeat in his mind.
You’re going to be okay.
You’re going to be okay.
You’re going to be okay.
Across from them, Cassidy is tucked into Max’s side, Stacey stares at the same magazine she has been lost in since she arrived, Konnor and his girlfriend, Blesk, share headphones, and Clay and Luca are arrowed to the corridor as though by plain Butcher-will, they can make Dr Matthews appear.
“Nonnu.” Kelly bounds to her feet. Welcomed immediately by Luca Butcher’s arms, she slides onto his lap. “Don’t be sad.” She cuddles his neck, and he sighs into her hold. “I gave Uncle Xander my wish.”
