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He smoothed my hair, then smiled, bright and bittersweet. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“And—” It hit me what he’d just seen me do with Searle. I choked, gulped, blinked back a rush of tears. “I—”
“I lost. I know,” Sterling said.
I gripped his strong back and pressed myself against him. All his dips and grooves fit mine, and I even felt his horrible silver scar against my belly. “Are you injured? It looked like you were hesitant.”
He kissed my hair and blew out in annoyance. “I didn’t mean to draw that much blood, and I realized I didn’t know how to beat him without seriously injuring him. That, along with numerous other small mistakes he was able to take advantage of.”
So he hadn’t known what to do. Thinking in a fight instead of justdoingwas a good way to fall behind.
“I will learn from it,” he told me.
I held him tighter. “I’m… sorry you… saw what you saw.”
He pushed me back a bit so he could look down at me. The burning scent of jealousy and anger rose off his skin. “You mean you and Searle?”
“They told me I had to be convincing. I know you’re angry.” I couldsmellhow angry and jealous he was. Could feel it in how he held me. The twitching of his fingers as he restrained himself from squishing me.
Sterling’s fingertips pulled along my skin. “I’m not angry atyou. I’m angry at all the damn wolves who didn’t see it was fake. I’m angry you were made to do it when you clearly didn’t want to. I’m angryhedidn’t push back and say no, she doesn’t want to, the pack will have to accept it.”
“Then why do you also smell very, very jealous?”
“Because I am.”
“Having second thoughts about what you said in Seattle?”
He refocused on me, chilling and icing over. “No. I’m the one who did this to you. I’m mostly angry. At him, at the pack, and myself for being jealous and putting you in an impossible position.”
How exceedinglynotcomforting. “As long as everyone was convinced, mission accomplished, I guess.”
“Made me want to punch all of them, but Henri had to do. Is Searle good to you otherwise?”
“I suppose?” I managed to squeeze out. “What’s good in this situation?”
“He takes care of you? Treats you well? Is kind to you? Good company? I can’t say I like him much, but I’ll admit I amverybiased. My attempts to keep an open mind require considerable effort.”
“I don’t even know how to answer that. Would it help your mind if you knew I was content with him?” I wasn’t content with Searle, but I couldtryto be. Or I could lower my standards. My pre-Sterling standards had been very low, somewhere betweendoesn’t beat me into a pulp every nightandgainfully employed.
“I’d sleep easier knowing you’re safe and content and valued, and I am not confident he provides any of that.”
“Searle is very mindful, I’m safe enough, and he values the optics.” It wasn’t what Sterling meant or wanted, but it was what I had. I skipped ahead to something far more important. “Did Henri tell you the real reason why you had that exhibition fight?”
“He told me it was to give me a fight in front of a large crowd before the real thing. I do not like that I lost.” Sterling growled, unsettled.
“It wasn’t about putting you in front of a crowd. That was just a cover. It was about letting Demetrius get a look at you. They wanted to see if pushing the duel off another year would make a meaningful difference.”
Sterling’s hazel eyes hardened until they seemed almost like glass shards. “I was not consulted on if I would even consider a delay.”
“I know. I’m not even supposed to tell you, but don’t worry, they didn’t see you worth the investment, so they’re going to get it over with in July.”
He gripped me tighter, scent swirling with predatory glee. “Good. I will not leave you with uncertainty another day longer than necessary.”
“I would have liked you to have more time to train,” I admitted. “I can deal with Searle for another year.”
“If youwantto stay with him—”
“No! That’s not what I meant! Of course I don’t want to stay with him. How could you say that?”
