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Honestly, I just don’t think I’m the kind of girl that big things happen to. I’m not the kind of girl to get the big part or the hot guy or the delicious bowl of free pasta. I’m the kind of girl life passed by.
And I just watch it come and go.
Always watching. Always waiting. Watching, waiting. Watching…waiting…waiting…waiting…
And just like that, with Ellis on the phone supporting me, and the beat of Jamie’s drumming still in the background, I felt something inside me snap.
I was tired of waiting for life to come tome.
I was tired of fantasizing about hot sex.
I was tired of wimping out on my dream to be an actress. Tired of expecting some casting manager to open the door and offer me the job.
Why couldn’t I open the door myself? Why was I always waiting for someone else to make the move?
Because that isn’t how life works. Life doesn’t just come to you. And for so long I’ve been afraid of going after what I truly want in life. And I was sick and tired of watching life go by me as I waited and waited and waited.
“Tess, hey, you still there?” Ellis’s voice finally came back into focus. “Yo, Tess? Earth to Tess. C’mon, sweetie, you need to answer me because I’m getting worried, and—”
“I’m going to do that sex study.”
I blurted it out before I had time to convince myself otherwise. Because if I kept it inside of me I would find any excuse possible not to do the study. If I didn’t say it aloud I would do what I always did: hide, cover up, keep quiet and still and unmoving. I would go back to waiting… waiting… waiting…
And I wasdonewith waiting.
“What?!”
“The one you sexted your friend about.”
“What the fuck? How do you…oh shit. Oh God. I accidentally added you to… Tess, I’m so sorry.”
I forced casualness into my tone. “Oh no worries. I admit, I was a little surprised at first—and a whole lot impressed, you’ve got itgoing on, Ellis—but what really caught my attention was that link to the sex study you shared.”
Ellis was silent for a minute, and I could hear in that silence how uncomfortable and worried and yes,doubtful, he was. But even so, excitement buzzed in my belly.
I was going to do it.
I was going to find a new me. I was done being Most Likely to Stay Vanilla. Done being the Girl Next Door. Done with the whole wallflower thing. I was going to go after life, chase after it, maybe even grope it just a tiny bit. I wanted to move. I wanted to run and dance and fuck and sing under the stars.
“Yeah,” I said, gaining confidence in my decision. “Yeah, I’m going to do it. The sex study, I mean. I, Tessa Juliet Stewart, am going to do that sex study.”
“Tessa…” Ellis’s laugh was more the kind of nervous laugh you laugh before someone does something really stupid. “Come on, now. Did you even read the requirements?”
“Lots of sex. Videotaping. One girl, three guys.”
“Exactly.”
I nodded. “Exactly.”
Ellis sputtered. “What are you talking about? You, the same Tessa who only shops at grocery stores with self-checkouts, is going to have monitored sex with three dudes? Who are you and what did you do with my best friend?”
Doubt was already starting to enter my thoughts. I had to quash it. “I’m doing it, Ellis.”
I heard him groan as he smacked his phone against his forehead. When he was back his voice was almost three octaves higher. “What about the three guys? The study said all four need to come in as a group. I know for a fact you don’t have a foursome lined up.”
True. I couldn’t even get one date. But although Old Tessa would have sat around for eons waiting for some guy to notice her, new Tessa was about to take the bull by the horns. Or the boys by the dicks, so to speak. “I’ll have to find them, I guess.”
Okay, so maybe I hadn’t worked out all of the logistical details quite yet. The old Tessa would let that hang her up. But not New Tessa. And I was liking New Tessa.
