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My eye-roll was interrupted by a yawn that threatened to split my lip. Jamie’s drumming into the early hours of the morning had kept me up all night. It had gotten worse in the last few days, to the point where it was almost nonstop. And every time I heard his drums, I remembered his kiss in the bar, and the naughty, delicious words he’d said.
To make matters worse, every time we happened to run into one another by the mailboxes or in the elevator or in the hallway, he would give me a mischievous grin.
It was the kind of grin that said, “Hey, I kissed the hell out of you the other night and you loved it. Ready to bump uglies with me?”
I just clenched my fists and hurried away in whichever direction was opposite of him, even if it was out the front door back onto the busy sidewalk when I meant to go up to my apartment, my fingernails digging into my palms when I heard him chuckling to himself.
I texted Ellis on my way to the bus stop. With the money my parents had loaned me, I had enough to live frugally for the next thirty days. I’d also had enough money to pay Ellis back for what he’d floated me in the past few months. When Ellis had asked me why I’d finally gone to my parents when I never had before, I’d told him the partial truth. That I was hoping the sex study would become reality, and I’d get the financial cushion I needed for a while to keep temping and auditioning. I still didn’t tell him about the eviction notice or the thirty days I’d given myself to get things together because I didn’t want him to worry or get into a fight when he insisted on loaning me more money. I had to do this on my own.
I also had to apologize to Cade. Even though I wasn’t going to ask him to be in the sex study, he’d liked me enough to ask me out on a date. I didn’t want him to think I was the freak he reasonably believed me to be. Plus, apologizing to him would be something the New Tessa would do. So even though it took a whole evening of convincing and re-convincing after I had unconvinced myself, I’d decided to see him face-to-face at that environmental clean-up he’d told his yoga class about.
TESSA:I’m going to talk to Cade.
ELLIS:I’ll try to visit you as often as I can when they put you away for stalking.
I winced, hoping Cade wouldn’t actually call the police on me when I tried to talk to him. I got on the bus before slipping my phone back into my pocket. On the ride, I mentally counted how many days I had left before I had to move in with my parents. Things weren’t looking good as far as the sex study was concerned, so I needed to be prepared.
Hookup Central had led to nothing but douchebags and weirdos, and even a desperate girl like me had her standards. Tom was hot, but despite Jamie being a massive jerk, he was right in pointing out that Tom did zero for me, which I already knew. If I was going to do the sex study, it wasn’t going to be just for the money. I wanted it to be an adventure. I wanted it to be fun. So I wasn’t going to settle for guys that didn’t turn me on, no matter how good looking or willing they were.
Finally, the bus dropped me off a little ways from the beach where the volunteer clean-up was happening that day. I stood there at the stop for a few minutes, pumping myself up like a boxer about to enter the ring.I can do this,I repeated.I can do this. I can do this.
Walking across the sand, I saw a group of volunteers had gathered, chatting and passing out water bottles and supplies. My eyes scanned the crowd, but I didn’t see Cade.
I worried that maybe I’d gotten the wrong day or the wrong environmental clean-up meet-up. Or maybe Cade just wasn’t coming today. In those few moments, I had to admit I was slightly relieved.
But then I heard a familiar voice just behind me.
“Tessa?”
I turned around to see Cade, eyes somewhat wide in surprise. “Don’t worry,” I said quickly, holding my hands, “I’m not here for your ghost pepper.”
Given the circumstances and those rather incriminating texts, I wanted to make clear my intentions were not of the sexual variety. I came in peace, platonic peace.
He assessed me with lingering suspicion.
“Look,” I said, moving a step closer while Cade warily watched me. “I just wanted to apologize for, um...”
What exactly should I start with? Hiding in bushes just a few feet away from him? Spying on him? Lying about being stuck in traffic? Making sexual innuendos to a man that I barely knew and who seemed by all accounts to be a kind, respectful man? Or worse, making laughablybadsexual innuendos to a man that I barely knew and who seemed by all accounts to be a kind, respectful man?
Should I apologize for intending to ask him to join a sex study with me before even our first date?
How does one succinctly apologize for all of that?
When I realized how long I had dragged out my “umm” as Cade watched and waited, I cleared my throat.
In the end, I settled on, “Um, I wanted to apologize for the other night.”
Cade sighed and slipped his hands into his pockets.
“I just got nervous,” I admitted. “I was really looking forward to our date, because, well, you might have guessed by my months of elliptical stalking, I kind of like you.”
This elicited a small laugh from Cade’s perfectly shaped lips. It brought a smile to my own.
“I blew it and I know it,” I continued. “I’m trying to act like the New Tessa, to be bold and brave, but I did it all wrong with the lame sexting.”
Cade studied me, and I hoped he saw the earnestness of my heart projected into my eyes. He scratched his chin, then finally said, “Okay. I accept your apology.”
Relief ran through me. “You do?”
