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“But what about when this road trip ends?” I know that the day I have to say goodbye to Will is going to hurt, but will it be worse if I’ve been dating Will?
“That is going to come whether we happen or not, so why not go after what we want while we can? I don’t want to leave any what ifs on the table where you are concerned, Hannah.” Will says and immediately Mama’s mantra comes back to me. No what ifs. I want Will and I can either spend the rest of this road trip pining for him or I can be with him and deal with the consequences later.
“Okay, no what ifs.” I press a kiss to his cheek and commit myself to giving this a chance, pushing away all the bad possibilities until I have to face them.
“So, you will be my road trip girlfriend?” Will asks, the playful tone back in his voice.
“I haven’t received any better offers.” I tease, and Will smothers my giggle with a heart stopping kiss. I know then that I made the right decision. No amount of hurt when this ends could surpass the lightness in my heart in that moment. I guess that should have been my warning.
My hopeless optimism sticks with me until I call Lilli, who, though being the most hopeless romantic I know, somehow has to be the person to call me back down to reality. She had been excited when I kissed Will, but now she was acting as if I was being reckless.
“Han, I’m not sure this is such a good idea.” Lilli says softly after I gush to her about my newly minted relationship status.
“Why do you say that?” I ask, finally coming down from my high.
“Because summer flings work best when you never see the person again. You are going to be in New York City come fall and I don’t think you are going to be able to walk away from him.” Lilli warns, and I know she is only looking out for me, but I just want her to be happy for me.
“It’s not like I’m in love with him, Lilli. I haven’t even told him about Columbia yet. I’m not sure I ever will.”
“But what if you run into each other?” Lilli protests.
“In a city of eight million people? I don’t think I have to worry about that.” I point out and Lilli sighs like I’m missing the point.
“Just protect your heart, Han. It is just for the summer.” Lilli says after a pause.
“I know that.” I snap, but I know I’m only mad because she is picking at my fears, so I take a deep breath before I continue. “Thanks for looking out for me, Lilli.” I add, softening my voice.
“Always.” Lilli promises.
Chapter 18
Will and I may have started our relationship in California, but it blooms in the deserts of Arizona and New Mexico. I credit it to the romantic sunsets and the fact that the sweltering heat traps us in our air-conditioned hotel rooms to where we inevitably end up making out and having conversations that flow way too late into the night. As we drive along the two-lane highways lined with cacti and sage, I find myself falling harder for Will, but even with Will and the road trip to distract me, I still find grief sneaking up on me.
Grief is an emotion that all these months after Mama’s death, I still don’t understand. For the first month after Mama’s death, my grief was this tangible entity leeching all my energy. It wouldn’t let me eat or sleep as it ripped into me. As the months passed, though, it became more of a shadow that lurked nearby, not always noticeable but capable of overtaking me at any moment.
It is that way tonight, when, while watching a television show to lull me to sleep, grief strikes. It is just a commercial for allergy medication, but in it the woman writes a reminder note to herself. Mama used to do that; she had left sticky note reminders to herself all over the house. I had found several throughout the house since she died and every single one I had left in place. Even the most meaningless of things gain value when you lose someone and know that they won’t be doing that anymore. That is why an allergy commercial made me burst into inconsolable tears.
Usually, an episode like this would only last fifteen minutes at the most, but it seems I left all my coping mechanisms at home because this one makes me spiral. Without the smell of Mama’s perfume or the quilt she made me, I’m not sure how I will crawl out of this. I feel so alone as the tears stream down my face and the hiccups make it hard to breathe, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to lie in the dark crying my heart out.
Mustering all the strength I have left; I throw on a hoodie and wander down the hall. I hope I remembered the room right as I knock lightly. No one answers at first and more tears come, but then the lock clicks, and Will is there, a sleepy expression on his face.
“Hannah? What is wrong?” He grips my shoulders as he looks me over, concern replacing the tiredness from seconds ago. When he sees no physical injuries, he pulls me into a hug.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” My voice is small and I’m afraid if he says no, I will spend all night crying.
“Of course, but you need to tell me what is wrong.” Will says as he ushers me to the bed, closing the door behind us.
“I just miss my mom.” I admit, and that brings on more tears. I’m not sure I have said that out loud to anyone before. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Dad and make Mama’s memory proud.
“Do you want me to get your dad?” Will asks as he sits beside me on the bed.
“No, I don’t think seeing me like this would be good for him.” I hate that Will is seeing me like this, but at least this won’t hurt him the way it would hurt my dad. For Dad, this would be just another reminder that he lost his wife, the love of his life. For Will, this is just a reminder that he is lucky to have only signed up for a couple of weeks of me.
“I don’t think he would mind; he likes taking care of you, Hannah.” Will says, and something about his tone tells me that he understands my dad in that respect. He gently tucks me under the blankets before laying down on the other side of the bed. “Do you want to tell me about her?” He asks as he grabs my hand.
“Didn’t Dad tell you all about her?” I ask. I don’t want to be alone, but I’m not trying to rob Will of sleep by making him my grief counselor.
“Yes, but you haven’t. I want to know how you saw her.” Will prods and the soft look in his eyes kills me.
