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“Orion should be trapezoids with a fork and knife.”
“Taurus looks more like a wishbone.”
“Cancer is the lower half of a stick figure.
“Libra looks like an old shack.”
“Sagittarius is just a scribble.”
“They are all just scribbles.”
I don’t know how long we sit there laughing and trying to one up each other before I yawn, feeling the late night get to me. Will notices and rushes to his feet.
“One last thing, and then we will go back to the hotel.” Will says, running to the car. I watch, amused by his excitement, as he turns the car on, switching on the headlights, so I’m surrounded by a dim light. Next, he rolls down all the windows while turning up the volume on the radio. A song fills the previous silence. It is a lovely tune, an odd mixture of melancholy and bliss.
“Dance with me.” Will offers me a hand as he walks back, and I take it. He pulls me to my feet slowly and guides my hands to loop around the back of his neck. His hands settle on my waist and he presses a kiss to my forehead.
We sway gently at first, just looking into each other’s eyes, but as the beat picks up, Will throws a couple of spins and dips in. I’m laughing as he whispers the lyrics in my ear quietly, just for me. This is the beginning of a memory, one of perfect contentment. I know that I will never forget this moment because as Will holds me and we sway in the desert night, I realize that he is my new safe place.
That night when Lilli’s text comes in, kill isn’t even an option, but I’m still scared to tell Lilli what I feel. She had warned me about this.
Lilli: Kiss or kill?
Me: I think I’m in love.
Lilli: I had that figured out weeks ago.
I laugh at her text, but she is right. She had told me I would fall in love, and I had thought she was just being a hopeless romantic, but she had been right. My feelings for Will have far exceeded ‘like’ for a while now. For weeks he had been the one I turned to when I needed to talk and every time he held me I felt safe, like I could always look to him for comfort.
That new sense of comfort encourages me to tell Will about New York, so the next day, as Will and I are lounging on his bed in his hotel room, I work up the courage to tell him. Well, not that I will be living there because something inside me still hesitates to tell him that, but I will let him know that I will be there for Thanksgiving. I figure it will be a good way to test the waters to see if maybe he would be willing to extend the fixed term of our relationship.
“So, Dad and I decided to do Thanksgiving in New York this year. We both decided with this being our first Thanksgiving without Mama that it might be good for us to do something different.” I say, hoping I don’t come off too obvious, but I must fail because Will gives me a wary look before responding.
“New York is great during the holidays.” Will answers, but his words lack emotion and I know he is trying to find out my angle.
“That’s what we hear. We are going to do all the touristy things. You know, going to the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Times Square, and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.” I describe, and I don’t have to feign excitement as I am looking forward to my dad visiting me in New York.
“Sounds typical.” Will says and though he smiles, the phrase doesn’t make me laugh like it usually does. Instead, this time it makes me even more unsure of myself.
“I was wondering if you would want to come to some of it with us?” I ask even though inside I can see the train wreck that his answer will cause on my emotions. This isn’t going how I had hoped it would.
“I don’t know, Hannah. I’m going to be busy with work and writing the book then.” Will says, and I can tell he is uncomfortable by the way he runs his hands through his hair and looks away.
“What about just the parade? I doubt you are going to be working Thanksgiving day.” I press and at this point I feel like I’m hanging on to hope by a thread.
“I’ll probably be with my family.” Will answers flatly, and the thread snaps and my hope shatters on the floor. I understand wanting to be with his family for the holidays because that is what I want too, but I don’t understand how he can claim to care about me at all, even just as a friend, and then make no effort to want to see me. My decision to not tell him about going to New York for school is reaffirmed. I don’t think I could handle it if he chose to ignore me, even if he knew I was going to be living in New York.
“Yeah, that makes sense.” I try to cover my disappointment with a smile, but it feels stiff. Will goes back to writing and I pretend to read my book as I get lost in my thoughts.
I really can’t be disappointed. We both agreed that this ended with the road trip. We both agreed it was worth it. I guess I just didn’t understand that Will meant all of it. Even our friendship ended with the road trip. I’m not sure how something that was worth risking such a hard goodbye could not be worth a couple of hours of his time in a few months. I wonder if ‘what if’ would have been easier to bear.
I text Lilli, hoping she will have some advice that will help me not break my heart, though she had told me from the beginning to avoid this.
Me: I think he is going to break my heart.
Lilli: That is always a possibility, Han. Sometimes it is worth it, though.
Me: Thanks for not telling me ‘I told you so’.
