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Dad and I buy an embarrassing amount of Columbia gear at the bookstore, but I can’t resist. I am just too excited and so is Dad if the number of “Columbia Dad” items he bought is an indicator. He probably would have bought more, but Flynn texts me the address of a bistro near where our apartment is, and we have to rush to meet him.
I almost don’t recognize Flynn when I spot him dressed in a collared white button down tucked into slacks. It is completely at odds with the cowboy picture of him in my mind, but even in business casual, he still is attractive, as evidenced by the many stares he is receiving from the female population. Now he is ‘cute coworker’ rather than ‘hot cowboy’.
“Hi, Hannah.” He wraps me in a hug before turning to my dad. “Hi, David. How are you guys enjoying New York City?” He asks my dad as he shakes his hand in greeting.
“I love it.” I gush.
“It’s awful. It smells and there is no space. And why is everything so damn expensive?” Dad asks, drowning out my praise.
“I’d have to agree with you on that, David. I try to get out of the city as often as I can, so I don’t go insane.” Will says with a laugh and Dad nods in agreement.
We spend lunch catching up, telling Flynn all about meeting Susan. Talking to him now, I remember why it was so easy to say yes to being his roommate. He is just really nice and when I talk to him, it feels like I’ve known him my whole life rather than only having met him once before.
“So where is Will today?” Flynn asks as we are leaving the café.
“Oh, he got tied up at work today.” I know I’m going to have to tell Flynn at some point that Will has no idea I’m going to Columbia, but it is not going to be today.
“Well, you just tell him that you are with me and I’m sure he will make plenty of time for you.” Flynn says a mischievous chuckle.
“You are probably right about that.” I guess Will had been a little transparent in his jealousy, but in his defense, so had I.
When we finish lunch, Flynn gives us a quick tour of our apartment and while it isn’t nearly as nice as my old one in Alabama and is three times the cost, Flynn tells me it doesn’t have rats, so that is a win. My room is barely bigger than a large walk-in closet, but I kind of like that, feels like the authentic New York experience.
Flynn has to rush off to class, so we say goodbye and head back to our hotel. Just in time too as Will gets off work shortly after we get back. Will picks me up on his way home and takes me to his apartment. He set up a projector on the roof and a nest of pillows and blankets. Pizza and snacks sit on a table. It is the cutest date I’ve ever been on. I thank Will with a kiss and decide to pretend like tomorrow isn’t the end of us for a couple of hours.
“What did you do today?” Will asks as I lay cuddled against his chest. I tense, but then decide to tell him the truth. Well, some of it.
“We toured the Columbia campus. I got accepted there, and I thought it might be fun to look around.” I say, and I don’t know why I don’t just tell him then that I’ve enrolled and will be living here in a month. I wish I could move past the fear of rejection, but I can’t.
“I didn’t know you’d been accepted to Columbia. Not surprising you didn’t choose it, though.” Will sounds a little put off, but I imagine that is because he finds it off that I never told him.
“Why would you think that?” I want to know why he can’t see me here in the city, why he can’t see me with him, when it is what I chose. I chose Columbia, and I chose him, but I’m not sure he gets that.
“Well, the city really isn’t for you. I imagine it would be a bit like me and you. Great for a little while, but it isn’t forever.” I feel like he punched me with his words, and I close my eyes to fight the tears. Sure, I don’t see myself in New York for the rest of my life, but I do see myself with Will.
“After everything, you really see us that way?” I have to know the truth because I don’t see us that way. My feelings for him aren’t temporary. I’m not sure they ever have been.
“Yeah, it’s not a bad thing, though. I care for you, and you care for me, but we want different things. Our lives wouldn’t mesh.” Will softens his voice and though he sounds like he doesn’t like the situation, it is nothing like what I feel. I want to scream. I don’t just care for him, I’m in love with him and he doesn’t see it.
“That’s the thing Will, I don’t agree with you. I do care for you and because of that, I think we can make it work despite our differences. That is what people that care about each other do.” I pull away from him to look him in the eye because I won’t have this conversation with him without him seeing me and how I mean every word.
“We talked about this, Hannah. This was never meant to go past the end of our trip.” Will’s voice is rising and I’m finally getting emotion out of him, but instead of the love I had wanted to hear, it is frustration. Of course, my having feelings would frustrate him.
“I know, Will, but I can’t just turn my feelings off. I thought when we said it ended with the trip that we would still be friends, but apparently you are turning off all your feelings as soon as I board a plane tomorrow.” I feel out of control. All the thoughts I’d held in for weeks are spilling out and I can’t stop them. I try to push them aside as I had done so many times before, but I can’t anymore.
“Do you really think the two of us can just be friends? I’m just trying to save us from hurting each other.” Will’s voice is softer, and I know he believes he is saving us from hurt, but with the crack fissuring my heart right now, I know he is wrong.
“You are hurting me.” I yell and Will rears back as if I hit him, but then his face hardens.
“Don’t try to put this on me, Hannah. I’ve been clear from the beginning that we have no future. We both wanted a summer romance, we had it, and now you’ve gone and ruined it.”
“I’m sorry my feelings ruined your summer.” My words are bitter, and Will shakes his head as if that was not what he meant.
“Hannah, you knew this is how it ended from the beginning.” Will reiterates, seemingly lost as to how I could have caught feelings when I knew that we were always going to end.
“No, this really isn’t how I imagined it, Will.” Annoyance sparks inside me at his condescending tone.
“What did you imagine then, Hannah? That I would move back to Alabama with you? That we could still have a relationship with thousands of miles between us?” His voice is mocking, and I’m reminded of the Will from the beginning of the road trip. The cynical, down on love, Will. I guess he was still around.
