Page 53 of His Property

Nothing you’ve done with this man has been anything resembling smart. Why start now?

“I came here to ask you to come back. I’ve missed you, Lola. Come back. We can talk through this. All of this.”

The conciliatory tone in his voice, the sly smile curving his lips, they conspired to wear down my will in an instant. I wanted it to be true, his words. I wanted to believe that was possible, that it wouldn’t just end up at the same dead end.

“Craig agreed to hire me back. I don’t need your job anymore, Ellis.” I nodded back toward the apartment building. “You kept your word. I kept mine. Shouldn’t we just leave it at that, and call it good?”

My heart twisted at the way his brow furrowed, the tightening of his jaw. He persisted though.

“I’m not asking you to come back to work for me. I’m asking you to come back to be mine again. For good this time. To come back forme.”

I looked away, knowing I shouldn’t say it, but my momentary weakness for him was simply too much. “I won’t lie to you. I missed it… missed you, too.”

“Then stop this,” he said, a new urgency to his tone. “Come back. Whatever it is, we can work through it. Together.”

I sighed, the pull toward him almost a physical force at that point. It would be so easy, so good, to simply rush down to him. Be enveloped in those strong arms again. So very easy.

But it wasn’t easy. Not any of it. The central, unsolved problem still lay between us. I wasn’t sure there was a solution for it, either.

Mostly because Ellis didn’t seem towantto solve it.

“Ellis, I can’t.”

“Yes, youcan. There’s nothing stopping you.” He grabbed the rusty handrail that ran down along the concrete steps. His left foot, the leather of his shoe gleaming in the gray light, rested on the lowest riser. “If it’s your lease you’re worried about, I’ll buy it out. No questions asked. I’ll do it right now, as we stand here. Iwantyou. I’ll have you again, in all ways. All you have to do is come back to me.”

“Has anything really changed?” I shifted the bag of groceries to my left arm. “I need you to let me in. And that’s the one thing you can’t—or won’t—do. How do we talk through that, Ellis?”

“I need you, Lola. Fuck, I need you.” He shook his head. “Yes, I’m hard to live with. I can be an asshole sometimes—a lot of times. I know that. I know I’m cruel to you. I know I’ve hurt you…” His glance slid away, and he stared down the street. “Our connection, it’s real. And it’s special.”

“Let me in, Ellis! Stop this!” I hated that I’d raised my voice, but the frustration boiled up from deep within me was too much to keep bottled up. He was a wonderful man, and I wanted him, too. But I needed more than that.

“I am who I am, Lola. I’m not going to change. I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. And I don’t think youwantme to do that, either. Not really.”

“Jesus Christ, Ellis, I’m not asking you to change. I’m asking you—telling you—I need to know I’m more than just a booty call, a sex toy for you to get off with. I mean, I love being those things for you, don’t get me wrong… but that can’t be all that there is between us.”

“That isn’t all you are to me. Not even close.”

“Then fucking show me that.” I turned away, tears already threatening. I didnotwant to cry in front of him. I’d cried so many tears already.

“Lola, I’m not a young man anymore, but for you, that difference between us… it meets a need in you. And it’s something I love too. When I’m with you, that difference in age doesn’t matter. Because when I’m with you, I feel young, vital, like it was at the beginning for me, before…” He looked down, shaking his head.

“Beforewhat, Ellis? Tell me…”

But he didn’t say anything more, peering up at me once more.

I took a deep breath, the pain in my chest twisting, aching again. “Ellis… you aren’t the kind of man who commits. That’s not who you are, for whatever reason. I don’t understand why you won’t. I don’t understand why I can’t reach you. But I need more. I need to know I’m not just a diversion for a man who could have his pick of dozens of women. I need more than to be wanted. I need to be chosen. And I need to know the real you, the painful you, the part of you that you’re keeping from me right this second. Because that is the real you, Ellis, whether you want to admit it to me or not. I… I can’t just be okay with that. With knowing you’re keeping part of yourself, a vital part, from me. I need more…”

“Lola, don’t…” His voice was almost strangled now. “Don’t do this. We can talk this out…”

I punched in the number, my fingers trembling horribly, a painful lump in my throat. How I wanted to go to him, even then, and just give in to my need, to just let him take care of everything again.

God, how I wanted it.

“Lola…”

Then I walked inside, the main entrance door closing behind me.

And the tears began to fall once more.

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