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When he’d taken his seat, his mug before him, he reached out and gripped her hand. “I am truly sorry. I didn’t want you to find out like this.”
She looked up and gave him a weak smile. “Or do you mean you didn’t want me to find out?”
He shook his head. “No, no. I was going to tell you. Soon. I-I just was trying to find a way to do it.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I mean. God, I don’t know. I felt like such a bastard, not telling you before.”
“And why didn’t you? It’s not exactly a minor detail about your life. Or were you afraid that I might post something on Instagram?” She flushed, ashamed that she’d spoken those words. They’d just poured out of her mouth, even though she knew he wouldn’t have thought that.
Ethan was shaking his head vigorously. “No, no, Kate. I know you and Tom both would never—”
Kate cut him off. “I know. I’m sorry I said that. I didn’t mean it.”
“You have every right to be angry.” He scrubbed at his face. “Your father knew. He understood why I never told anyone. I mean, he understood that I hated the whole notion of being a rock star. It isn’t me. And, maybe, after a while, that’s why I didn’t say anything. Because it isn’t me. It’s a different life. One that is so foreign to who I am and my music. My real music. I just didn’t want it entering this part of my life.”
“But it is part of you, Ethan. And part of your life. You can’t get away from that.”
He shook his head, staring down at his hands, now fisted. “No. I didn’t want it. It was thrust on me.”
She saw the struggle he experienced in his taught body, the tight jaw, and the anger in his eyes. “Prometheus Bound,” she said. “That was you, wasn’t it?”
He made a derisive sound. “My own little private joke. The producers, the record company, they loved it, though. Said it gave the band an edgy image. I was just showing the horror I had of it.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry it’s been such an awful experience for you.”
He sighed. “I know I should be grateful. I know every other musician would kill for the opportunities I’ve had.”
“Exactly,” she said. The fog was starting to dispel, leaving only the sharp stab of loss. Another loss and one she wasn’t certain she could move on from. “You need to try and change your outlook. Surely you can use this to build a different music career.”
He gave a scornful laugh. “You’d think. But they don’t want any of the kind of music I’d like to be involved in. No, I decided, after this album, the contract is done, fulfilled. I’m out. That’s why I’ve been writing the novel. To give me a different direction. One that can be for me, and one that I like.”
“And let Elijah Harmon die.”
He looked pained at her comment. “Yes. Elijah is dead anyway. It was my brother’s middle name.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. But why choose that?”
He sighed. “It was a stupid jab at my father, but it still protected my family from the embarrassment of having a rock star in the family. Harmon was my mother’s maiden name. My grandmother.” He grimaced. “It all seems childish now, though.”
“But why not just turn it all down? Why go through with being part of a band, a sound that you don’t want or like?”
A myriad of emotions filled Ethan’s expression. “I don’t know. I think at the time I was hoping that I could prove to my father I could make my music pay. Only it ended up not being the music I wanted or felt was my music. It would have been better if I’d taken the classical music road from the start.” The last words were spoken in a tone both bitter and forlorn.
Kate felt a sharp pain of empathy hearing his explanation and the obvious pain he felt. “Well, I hope your novel works out. You deserve that. And it’s definitely a talent you have.”
“Thanks,” he said. He took her hand again. “I’m sorry, Kate. Really I am. You have to believe that I truly intended to tell you.”
She nodded, fighting back tears. “I believe you. But I wish you had told me earlier. It would have made things easier for all of us.”
He gave her a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”
Instinct drove her thoughts and she uttered them before she could think on it further. “It would have saved us both from becoming too…involved. Stayed just friends.”
He frowned. “No, what? This doesn’t change anything, Kate. My feelings haven’t changed. And I can’t believe yours have changed. Kate, I love you.”
Kate gripped the mug tightly again. She had to get the words out, fight the tightness in her throat. “No, Ethan. It can’t work. It probably wouldn’t have worked, anyway. It was a mistake to think it had any possibility of becoming anything more than a brief relationship. I mean, I’ve only recently broken off an engagement. My father has just died. How can I be certain of anything? I hardly know myself and what I want, let alone coping with all that being with you might entail.”
The thought of paparazzi, the press hounding her, taking photographs of her all the time. It would be so much worse than when she was with Giancarlo. Tears filled her eyes. “I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
“Please, Kate,” said Ethan, his voice cracking with emotion. “Don’t decide anything yet. Please. Let’s just wait for this thing to die down. It will, I promise.”
