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“Oh, we’re just jumping right into the session, huh?” I chortled with a nod.
“You’re thinking about it too much. Let’s just jump right into the answer as well rather than try to find a way to compress or ignore your true feelings. How does that make you feel?”
“Really warm inside, to the point I think I’m going to release buckets of sweat from my pores. My underarms begin to itch. I feel like I’m choking. And, my heart aches.”
“And, what do you think? You immediately thought after hearing that.”
“Do I really? Like, how? Don’t you see the mess I am?”
“But, you’re not.”
“I feel like it, no matter what I’m wearing or how I fix my hair or…”
“Is that why you’re always changing your hair?”
“One of the reasons,” I chuckled, sarcastically, sitting back a little further in the chair.
“What are the others?”
“As stated, because I always feel a mess. Others include getting easily bored being in the house all the time. Another is just seeing the women around me look so pretty and be so confident with the styles they have. I always feel like I’ll feel better if I just change my hair. I’ll look different from– I’ll look different.”
“From who?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do, though. You were about to say it. From who?”
“The old me. I figure if I don’t look so much like the weak version of myself, then I don’t have to be here anymore.”
“You don’t need your hair for that, but I understand. Your hair doesn’t determine what version of yourself you are. Your mind, your actions, your emotions… that does it.”
“Sometimes I feel like they’re the same as they were then.”
“Do you see where you’re sitting, Halo?” she asked me.
“Yes.”
“Then, that should tell you everything you need to know about how far you’ve come. Last year around this time, you didn’t leave your home. This couch wouldn’t have seen you. Even our very first meeting was virtual. You’re here three times a week, Halo. Three. I see most of my clients once weekly and some bi-weekly. You’re here, showing up for yourself each and every week, three times a week.”
“I’m showing up for them. For him. I have to.”
“You’re showing up for you, Halo. Are they part of the decision, yes. But, ultimately, you’re showing up foryou. Please understand that. They do deserve the best version of you and if that’s what it takes to get you here, then fine. But, listen to me when I tell you that it is you that you’re desperate to change for. I see the desire in your eyes and hear it in your voice each time I talk to you.
“The fight you’re in with yourself is no easy one but week after week, seeing that you’re still in the ring makes me so happy. Everyone around you can deserve and want a better version of you but it’s your craving for better that keeps you standing each time these sessions knock you against the ropes. They haven’t knocked you down, yet. And, they won’t. Because you’re destined to win when this is all said and done.
“Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you’re kicking ass every time you come in that door. You’re refusing to give up on yourself. That is all I need and I can handle the rest.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m just being honest with you. There’s no need to thank me. You don’t give yourself enough credit. I want you to sit with that until our next session. Okay? I want you to start a new page in your journal and list 20 credits dedicated to you.”
“Credits?”
“Yes. Let’s just call them that.”
“Please explain,” I requested.
“Making it out of the house this morning, credit yourself for that. Getting your daughter to school, credit yourself for that. Making it to this session yet another day, credit yourself for that. Going home and giving yourself grace afterward, credit yourself for that.”
