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“I think that’s for the best,” Mom says. “Now that things are…public.We wouldn’t want to make people feel uncomfortable. As it is your father and I have already been overlooked for several functions since your news got out.” She sends me a bitter look, as though my decision to come out publicly was made with the sole purpose of ruining her social life.
“That says something about the kind of people you associate with, doesn’t it?” I say, no idea why I’m baiting her instead of just biting my tongue like I usually do. “That they’d snub you for having a trans kid. What, do they think it’s catching? Like, if you go to a party with them there’s a risk their own kid might suddenly become trans as well? Or are they worried you’ll suddenly turn into those rainbow-flag waving, socially conscious, equality-wanting ‘freaks’?” I rant, holding my hands up to make air quotes. “They clearly don’t know you very well if that’s the case.”
“Ellie,” Nate hisses, his eyes wide with alarm at my outburst.
I let my eyes fall closed for a moment, feeling chastened. Not because my parents don’t deserve to be ranted at, but because I don’t want to ruin Nate’s Christmas by forcing him to play mediator all weekend. “Sorry.”
My dad glares at me, his face so red with anger he looks ready to explode. He doesn’t though, instead letting out a grunt and turning away from me as he shoves on his coat. “Come on Marilyn. Nathaniel. We’ll be late.” He stomps out the door with Mom following wordlessly after him.
Nate lets out a heavy sigh as he slowly tugs on his own jacket. “It’s been hard on them,” he murmurs. “The past few weeks, since…” he waves a hand at me and I know he’s referring to the interview where Aidan and I both came out publicly.
I arch an eyebrow at him. “Are you saying I shouldn’t have come out?”
He shakes his head. “No. I don’t really know what I’m saying, to be honest. I just don’t want Christmas to be—”
“Yeah, okay, I get it,” I say, cutting him off. “I’ll be more patient with them. But it’s for your sake, not theirs.” I smile. “You know you’re the only reason I bother coming back here, right?”
“Don’t say that. They’re your parents.”
I just shake my head sadly and give him a nudge toward the door. “You’d better go. God forbid you’re late on my account.”
Once the house is empty, I let out a heavy sigh that’s part relief to be alone, part apprehension over the days ahead. Thankfully I’ll be heading to New York on the twenty-eighth to ring in the new year with Finn and a few of his siblings so I only have to get through a few days of this.
Depending on whether there’s caroling before the service and on how long Mom and Dad stay afterward to socialize, I’m banking on about two hours of freedom before they get home. Taking it for the opportunity that it is, I quickly dash out to my rental car to retrieve my small suitcase before rolling it down the hall to my old bedroom.
Once I’m inside, I close the door and flop down on my bed. I unzip my jeans and tug them and my gaff down around my thighs; then I reach between my legs and gently untuck myself, feeling the sensation return to my cock and balls as I put everything back into its natural, hanging position. I don’t always tuck, but I find the aesthetic of a flat-looking crotch generally gives me a little confidence boost, and Ireallyneeded that today.
Now that I’m out and hanging free, I start stroking myself until I’m fully hard; or, at least, as hard as I get these days. I can still manage erections without too much difficulty, but they’re very different to the ones I used to get before starting HRT. Everything is just softer now, andwaymore sensitive—a light touch is definitely required. Usually when I’m turned on I’ll get at least halfway there, and then some attention from my partner—or a few gentle strokes of my fingers—will get me the rest of the way. Those nighttime boners are definitely a thing of the past, though; hence what I like to call CT—Cock Therapy. My daily routine to keep my penis happy and healthy.
Once my cock is hard, I spend a few minutes stroking it, although I steer clear of the big pleasure spots—I’m not trying to get off right now. Then I let the erection go before starting all over again. Just like exercising a muscle.
I have no idea whether other trans women do this kind of thing; I seem to be in the minority amongst my trans friends in that so many of them hate touching their genitals. I, on the other hand, absolutely love my cock, which is why I consider CT so important; I’ve been doing it ever since I started HRT almost four years ago and so far there’s been no noticeable atrophy.
It probably sounds a bit weird, right? A trans woman who loves the very thing that misgendered her on the day she was born? It certainly used to confuse the hell out of me. It’s one of the reasons I identified as bigender for such a long time. I just couldn’t understand how I couldfeellike a woman but still have such a positive relationship with my penis. But aftermanycounseling sessions with a gender therapist, I was able to finally come to terms with the simple fact that women are women regardless of what’s between their legs and how they feel about it.
When I’m done with my CT, I carefully tuck everything back in place, making sure not to make it too tight—the last thing I need on this visit is to end up in the ED because the circulation to my penis has been cut off. Once I’m satisfied with how everything looks and feels, I tug my gaff back up, and then my jeans.
Then I reach out for my purse and withdraw my phone. After the icy encounter with my parents earlier I really need to see a friendly face right now. I know Finn’s supposed to be helping Shay out with his proposal tonight, but it’s still early and according to the plan everything’s supposed to go down once Jamie’s asleep.
He answers the FaceTime call with a bright smile. “Hey.”
“Hey! Hope I’m not interrupting anything…” I say, curiously eyeing the room full of purple flowers and balloons in the background.
“Definitely not,” her reassure me. “I’m just watching some TV and waiting for go-time”
I chuckle. “Looks like Shay went all out.”
Finn rolls his eyes. “Please, Shay’s got the easy part. He gets to have sex while Jake and I do all the work. It almost makes me want to have a kid just so I have an excuse not to get roped into something like this ever again.”
I nod. “That sounds like as good a reason as any.”
Finn’s expression turns curious as he scrutinizes my face. “You look different. I mean, you’re still beautiful, just…different.”
A little flutter swoops through my chest at the sound of him calling me beautiful. I offer a fond smile before explaining, “Yeah, this is the North Carolina Ellie. No makeup, no dresses, no heels…”
His brows shoot up in surprise. “Wow. How come?”
I shrug, waving my free hand in a gesture of indifference. “Well, the last time my mom caught me wearing a pair of heels she took one off and beat me with it, so I try to avoid that.”
