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“As much as it hurt to watch you with him, and see the way he let you down time and time again, I just wanted to be the one to pick you up because maybe then you’d see me.” His face is lined with pain and anguish.
“Cash,” I say his name, a whisper that gets swallowed up by the night.
He paces in front of me, trying desperately to control his emotions. He stops in front of me.
“Do you still love him?”
“Don’t do this to yourself,” I say as I step closer to him. He already knows the answer. He just wants to hear me say it.
“Answer the question.” His lips are pursed and his eyes harden their gaze on me. I hate seeing him this way, vulnerable, like an exposed wound.
“Yes.” I can’t lie, not to him. Cash, Jack, and I have so much history, and we are so tied up together that there is no way to untangle us.
I reach for him and he grants me the privilege of touching him. His skin is hot and I run my hands up his chest to his face. “I see you,” I breathe into him. “I’ve always seen you.”
His hands cup my face and he leans down to press his forehead to mine.
“I love Jack,” I say tenderly, “but I am in love with you.”
“How is that even possible?”
“The same way you can love me and hate me in the same breath.”
I can feel the fight leaving his body like a levee opening and the water spilling out.
“How do I know that when you’re with me you’re not thinking about him?” he asks in an agonized whisper, his thumbs brushing across my cheeks.
“You can’t,” I say definitively. “You just have to learn to trust me.”
“I trusted you before, and look at where we are.” His words sting but it’s the truth. All I know now is that things are different. Maybe it took the band imploding for me to see how destructive our relationship was. I love Jack, but we are not meant to be together. All we do is destroy everyone around us.
“I’m human, and I am flawed,” I try to explain. “But I am not without remorse.”
“You don’t get to just say you’re sorry and expect me to move on,” he spits as he pulls away from me.
“I’m not asking you for anything, Cash.” My desperation is evident in my voice.
“Yes, you are, Mia,” he says. “Just by being here, you’re asking me for everything.” He scratches his chin in frustration, kicking at the rocks beneath his feet.
I take a step back and square my shoulders. I can’t be responsible for his feelings or his actions.
“Don’t put all of this on me,” I say, pointing at him. “You came to my door. You brought me food. You fucked me, and now you get to judge me? Well, fuck you, Cash Morgan.” I turn and walk away from him. Passing by the bike, I realize it’s a long, cold walk back to my loft.
“Where are you going?” he asks as he chases after me.
“Anywhere but here,” I say over my shoulder.
“You can’t walk all the way home.” Cash grabs onto my arm and I am forced to turn around and face him.
“What do you want from me, Cash?” I let a tear fall down my cheek. “I’m sorry!” I cry. “You don’t think I know what I caused? You don’t think this hasn’t affected me too? I lost everything that matters most to me!” I yell.
I shake my arm free and pace, not knowing what to do with myself. All my emotions have bubbled up to the surface. “I’m finally getting my shit together and you show up on my door. If you don’t want to be with me, then let me go.” Tears are streaming down my face. I’m so tired of being reminded of all my mistakes. If it’s not the tabloids then it’s some asshole I have to work with, but what really hurts is seeing that same judgment coming from someone I love.
Sometimes it’s exhausting being me.
“That’s the fucking problem!” Cash grabs me, his eyes piercing me with their intensity, causing a break in my armor. He kisses me so desperately that I feel it in my toes. My body begins to melt against him as I kiss him back. “I can’t let you go,” he says against my lips, his breathing heavy, and his eyes swimming with emotion.
I tuck my face into his chest as he pulls the jacket around me, and I can feel the heat of his body through his shirt. We are the same; two souls lost to each other, because as much as I know I should, I can’t let him go either.
