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“You can’t avoid this, and getting angry with me because I want to talk about it isn’t fair,” Cash says sternly. I understand, but it doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t stop the panic running through my blood, or the rapid beating of my heart.
“You can’t fix this, Cash!” I yell at him. “You can’t fix me.” I slam my palms into his chest and he takes it, barely moving. “I am not something for you to repair.”
“I want you to talk to me. Is that so wrong?” he asks, exasperated.
“Yes,” I tell him and then change my mind, “No,” I concede and turn away, shaking my head. It’s not Cash, it’s me. I just want all of this to go away, but I can’t run from myself. I can’t escape my own mind, and that is the scariest part of all of this.
“You know what I want?” I turn and look at him. I can see the worry in his eyes. This is all too much for two people to handle in such a short amount of time. “I want to feel in control of my life. I want you to stop making decisions for me.”
“I don’t make decisions for you,” he contradicts.
I laugh maniacally. “I came home from the hospital and everything was gone. The crib, the clothes, even the fucking wallpaper was gone,” I say angrily.
“I did that so you didn’t have to see it, so you didn’t have to deal with that.” His brows furrow and his eyes narrow at me in frustration. He doesn’t understand why I am so angry.
“You made the decision that I couldn’t handle it!” I snarl, pointing at him. “You just decided that it was something I shouldn’t have to deal with… but what if I did? What if looking at the empty crib or packing up the clothes was what I needed to move on? Instead, it was as if it never existed in the first place.” I’ve kept this bottled up inside for weeks, and I can’t let it fester any longer.
“Did you ever think about how I felt?” he confronts me. “I lost our baby, too, and I will not apologize for wanting to take away even a fraction of that pain for you.”
I blink. I know this has been hard on him too, and maybe I think the pain is greater for me because it happened to my body, but he lost something too. I have to understand, even if it’s hard.
“Fuck!” He throws his hands in the air and turns around as if he’s going to leave, and I stand there and watch him, my eyes wide. His pain is as palpable as mine, and I didn’t want to see it until now. Not only did he lose this little seed of hope for a family, but he’s facing the reality that he will lose me one day, too.
“Cash.” I touch his arm lightly and he tenses. His body feels rigid under my touch, so unlike the warm, soft man I am used to feeling. It feels as if we are at an impasse. There is a fork in the road and I’m afraid I will choose the wrong one, the one that leads me away from him.
He looks at me thoughtfully, his eyes softening, the anger dissolving… but it is an illusion, like the sun dissolving into the ocean. We are both hurt and angry at this curveball that life has thrown at us, and we don’t know what to do with that ball, so we throw it at each other.
“I don’t want anyone to know because I don’t want them to look at me the way you are, as if I am going to disappear at any moment,” I try to explain to him.
“You could never disappear.” He takes my face in both his hands and brings my lips to meet his. “Even if all the lights in the world were turned off, you would struggle not to shine.” I can taste the salt from his tears and swallow his sadness. It lives deep inside of me, along with my own. “I thought losing our baby was the worst thing that could ever happen, but I won’t be able to survive losing you.” He wraps his arms around me as I process what he’s saying.
My previous anger wanes and I reach up to kiss him, to feel this human connection I crave, because without him, I am alone. I don’t want to face this by myself, but I don’t want to be ruled by it either. I need him more than I am willing to admit.
“Promise me,” I say against his lips, “this is just between you and me for now.”
He nods his head in agreement and gathers my body to his, clinging to me. “I promise,” he says solemnly.
I touch his face as if to memorize his features, his kind eyes and his strong jaw. I run my hands through his hair, and when I’m satisfied that I have everything tucked away in my mind, I take his hand in mine.
“Let’s go for a walk.” He squeezes my hand and we take the path along the beach.
“What about the car? You’ll get a ticket.” We don’t need anything else to deal with.
“Fuck the car.” He raises my hand to his lips and kisses it as we walk down the boardwalk. The weather in California is always the same, and sometimes I wish it would mimic these raging feelings inside of me. It’s times like these that I miss Arizona. Like a monsoon coming in fast causing destruction in its path but leaving just as quickly, I wonder if that is how people will remember me?
“You know what I want?” I stop him and say.
“Anything.” He lowers his gaze and his eyes give me a promise that he would quite literally do anything for me. I don’t know if I deserve such loyalty.
“I want you to take me on the back of your bike again.” What I really want to do is turn back time. I want to see him lift his leg over the seat, hit the kick start with powerful force, and beckon me to get on the back.
Cash cocks his head at me thoughtfully. He put his bike in storage when he found out I was pregnant and hasn’t taken it out since. I can sense there is something missing inside of him too. We both need to feel alive again.
“I promise we will talk about all of this, but right now, I just want to be us again,” I beg him with my eyes.
That’s the difference between Cash and me, he always wants to confront issues, and I’d rather hide from them.
His resolve is swift, willing to give me anything I want. “Okay,” he agrees.
