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I kneel in front of Cash, placing my hands on his thighs. I’m so scared of losing him. “Why does it have to be one or the other?”
“Because it does!” His voice is clipped with frustration.
“I’m not angry, Mia. I just finally realized that I was trying so hard to be the person you needed, but I could never be Jack.”
“Cash,” I whimper, tears flowing down my cheeks and onto his jeans.
“I want you both to be happy. It’s time.” He strokes my hair. “Time is a gift that’s been stolen from you,” he says, “and you should spend what little of it you have left with Jack.”
“He can’t take care of me the way you do,” I admit, grasping at straws, anything to keep him with me.
“You are capable of taking care of yourself. You never needed me to do that for you,” he says, shaking his head. But I do need him.
“I’m not!” I cry. “I need you.”
He pulls me to him, and I rest my cheek against his chest. “You are stronger than you think. You always have been.” He brushes the hair from my face. “You don’t need me the way you think you do.”
I cry into his jeans, wrapping my arms tighter around him. The palm of his hand rests on my back, and I want him to brand me with it.
“I want you to live, Mia. I want you to be loved just as fiercely as you love in return.” Cash stands up and I slide to the floor. He picks up the bag, not bothering to try and put anything else in it.
“What are you doing?” I ask, panicked, crawling my way towards him and struggling to stand up.
“If you won’t leave, I will,” he tells me.
“Cash, please don’t go.” I am not above begging.
“You need to leave me be,” he says gruffly. “I may be strong enough to let you go, but I’ll be fucking damned if I have to watch it happen,” he tells me, and I hold onto myself as if I am keeping my organs from spilling out.
“What if he doesn’t want me?”
“Trust me. He wants you, Mia,” Cash says as he walks to the door. “Go to him,” he almost begs.
“What if I don’t?” I square my shoulders defiantly.
“Do not let this be for nothing.” Anger flares in his eyes. “Dammit Mia, I fucking deserve to be happy too!” His expression softens. “For Christ’s sake, let me be happy too.”
Does that mean I don’t make him happy? Is it because I’m not able to give him a family? The thought guts me. Of course it’s true. I robbed him of the life he was meant to have. What does he have to look forward to with me?
I follow him to the front door, if only so I can watch him walk away from me.
“I told you a long time ago that I was always meant to ruin you,” I whisper, trying to wipe the tears from my cheeks. “You didn’t listen to me.” I’m blaming him for the shitty life I straddled him with, but I don’t care.
“You might be right about one thing,” Cash agrees as he grips the door handle. “You did ruin me for anyone else, but I don’t regret one single fucking day. Not even today. Not ever.”
I want to run to him, but the fight in me has left. I drop my head and my shoulders fall. It’s as if my body knows there is nothing left to give.
He is leaving.
“I’m going to stay at the store for a while,” he says as he opens the door.
“Don’t be here when I get back,” he says with his back turned to me.
The door closes with a definitive click and I slide down to the floor, tucking my head between my knees.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
We Are All Lost
