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“Is this about Jack?” my mother asks. “I saw him drop you off.” She looks angry.
“Partially, yes.”
She rises from the bed. “What have you done, Mia?”
“His father died.” I feel myself shifting into old habits of trying to explain myself to gain her approval. I’m sure she’s already heard the news of his father’s passing. Nothing happens in this small town without her knowing.
“That man is no good for you. He never has been,” she states and begins to pace. “He won’t be able to take care of you the way you need.”
“I can take care of myself.” That is the faith Cash had in me.
“You are kidding yourself if you think that.” Her face contorts in anger. “What happens when this disease progresses?” she asks me. “He can’t even take care of himself.”
“Mama,” I beg her.
“At least Cash isn’t a drug addict,” she scoffs.
I can separate my hurt from her feelings and understand that her daughter just told her she has a terminal disease, but I can’t sit here while she insults everyone in my life.
I stand up and face her. “If you want to have any kind of relationship with me, you will bite your tongue and not talk about Cash or Jack in that manner,” I say sternly. “Whether you like them or not is irrelevant.”
My mother eyes me carefully, and I can tell she wants to say something snarky but she holds her tongue. “I know that you have never liked my decisions and I am not the daughter you always wanted, but I am living my life the way I want to.”
She holds her tongue, and I hope that she finally understands that my life is not defined by the men in it. These are my decisions, and I have to live with them.
“You don’t have to agree with me,” I say quietly, my expression softening. I realized a long time ago that I don’t need her approval; and I was never going to get it anyway. “You just have to respect me.”
My mother slumps onto the bed and holds her face in her hands. I kneel in front of her and take her hands in mine. “Mama.” I look into her green eyes full of tears.
“I don’t want to lose my only daughter again,” she cries, and I take her in my arms, having enough strength for the both of us.
We cry together.
I DEFINITELY NEEDED this time away from my life to think and to come to an understanding with myself. I accept that Cash and I are over. Maybe we never should have begun, but I don’t want to have regrets and I don’t think he does either. I will honor his wishes and leave him alone.
He was the first person I wanted to call and tell about the conversation I had with my mother. He would have been proud that I stood up to her, and happy that I told my parents. I made them promise to keep my secret. I’m sure the press would love to get ahold of this story, and I hope they never do. That was always the problem with fame. People become interested in your life and then your life isn’t your own anymore.
Sitting on my bed, I pull out the leather journal from my bag. The tabloids have always loved to write about my life, casting me as a homewrecker, an out-of-control rock star, and of course, everyone’s favorite promiscuous songwriter. I’ve learned to wear it as a badge of honor because a life worth living, is a life worth writing about. I guess I’ve lived enough lifetimes, and it was one hell of a ride.
I hope I have enough in me for an encore.
For Cash
I’m not sure where to begin. Then again, when have you ever known me to be at a loss for words? Maybe it’s because you leave me speechless. You, Cash Morgan, were the light that chased away my darkness. You caught me when I was falling, and you saved me when I was hopeless. Only, I couldn’t do the same for you. It’s okay if you hate me, but maybe someday you’ll forgive me.
I hope you know that I loved you, that I love you still. I promised myself to you - for better, for worse - to love and to cherish - till death do us part, but I think we both knew those bonds were always meant to be broken. Maybe we should have stopped before we even started and saved ourselves the heartache, but it’s not the ending that matters, it’s everything in-between.
In the story of my life, if Jack was the villain, then you were the hero.
I know you will find love again, but what I really hope is for you to find your way back to Jack. Your friendship is the purest love of us all.
Love Always, Mia
I close the journal and place it in the middle of my bed. My father is driving me to the airport today. The last few days have been emotional, but I think we have all come away with a better understanding of each other. My mother doesn’t want me to leave, but it is time for me to start living my life again.
I leave the journal behind because I’m not ready for anyone to see it just yet. Maybe when I’m gone, it will find its way to Cash. Until then, it will remain in the safety of my childhood home. My story is not finished yet, but the most important parts are contained within. It is my Phoenix story, and whatever happens going forward is a result of that.
My father closes the passenger side door and I buckle the seatbelt. When he slides in, he places his hands on the steering wheel and sighs. My mother has always been the dramatic one, wearing her emotions on her sleeve, but my father is like me, holding everything in. I know he’s hurting and he’s scared, even though he doesn’t show it. I’m his little girl, and even though I’m an adult I will always be the little girl who held his hand as we skipped into the store together.
