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“You’re handling it by sticking a fucking needle in your arm.” I manage to get the strength to stand up. “That is not handling it. That is the opposite of handling it.” I need to get away from him.
“Look, I know I fucked up. I can fix this. I can make things right with Amber,” Jack pleads, but his words are empty. It’s a promise that can’t be delivered. Maybe if I leave it will force Jack to get his life back together.
“I’m leaving.” I head into the bedroom and grab a bag. As I’m throwing clothes into it, Jack enters the room. I can feel his eyes on me, burning the back of my neck and I stop, resting my hands on top of the dresser. The adrenaline has been burned out of my system, and all I feel is exhaustion.
“You can’t leave!” He reaches over me to grab the bag and throws it on the ground.
I turn away from him, feeling hopeless because no matter what I do, it won’t change the situation. Defeated, I slump onto the bed, exhausted.
“This is because of me.” I cover my face with my hands and let out a heavy breath. It’s because of me that Jack has so many problems with Amber, and his relationship is strained with Hayley.
“Don’t say that.” Jack kneels down before me. I can see the panic raging in his eyes. He wants me so bad that he gives in to the illusion that he can fix this.
I hate that Amber has to be such a bitch, and I hate that Jack can’t cope with this without falling back into old habits. Nothing about us has ever been easy.
“It’s like the fucking universe has it out for us.” My voice is full of venom and anger. “We are not meant to be together, Jack. You and I together,” I gesture between us, “bring down shit upon everyone around us.”
Jack narrows his eyes. “Don’t make this about Cash either.”
“It’s not just Cash, it’s the band, it’s Hayley, and it’s about fucking Amber!” I pound my fist into the mattress. “I don’t want to be the one to come between you and Hayley.” It already gnaws at me like a plague spilling into my veins and eating me up from the inside out.
“I’m so sorry.” Jack shakes his head and brings my hand to his lips. His kiss seeps through my skin and into my bones.
I pull away, unable to think straight while he is touching me. “Stop,” I whisper without much conviction. I wanted him so badly. I deserved him. Cash gave up everything just for me, for us, and it kills me that we are falling apart right now. I don’t want to be the crux in his life, not anymore. Not until he can fix this with Amber.
“I’m an addict, Mia,” he whispers, his voice shaky. “I don’t want to be, but I am. I will always struggle. It’s not a life I wanted, but it’s the one I have.” The armor falls like a shadow crossing the room, and he is laid bare in front of me. There are no more walls when he asks me, “Don’t give up on me,” and he gently lays his face in my lap. Tears fall from my cheeks and into his hair. I am screaming inside at the unfairness of it all.
I love him.
I have always loved him.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I whimper, my body shaking. “I wanted to be the one to save you,” I tell him, “but I can’t.” I was never meant to save him. He was supposed to save me.
Jack raises his head from my lap. “You already have. Don’t you know that?” He really believes it, but I think he is just blinded when it comes to me. “You have saved me so many times and you don’t even know it.” He puts too much faith in me, and it’s more than one person should bear.
I touch his hair, running my fingers around his ear, tucking in the stray pieces.
“I’ll go back to rehab,” he tells me. “I will go to counseling with Amber if I have to.” He presses his forehead to mine and cups my face in his shaky hands. “I will make this right.”
“Promise me?” I pull away enough so I can look him in the eyes.
Jack nods. “I promise you.”
“No matter what happens?” I demand of him. “You will go to rehab, get yourself straight, no matter what?”
After a moment’s pause, he agrees. “I promise.”
Jack is a lot of things, but a liar he is not. He’s made terrible mistakes and stupid choices, but he has never lied to me. I know if he makes a promise to me, he will keep it, even if he doesn’t like it.
I don’t like what I’m doing, not even a little bit.
But I will have to lie to him.
He gathers me into his arms as if he’s clinging to a life raft. I sink into him, the feel of his body pressed to mine, no walls between us, just us, is incredible.
He recites the lyrics to one of the songs we have been working on. “You are in me, on me, and all around me.” He said these same words to me over a decade ago, right before I left. That pain lay dormant in me all these years, and it’s now bubbling up to the surface like the waves flowing in.
Maybe I knew it then, that we would find our way back to each other, but I never imagined we would come full circle.
