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Noelle sighs, setting the spoon back into the near empty container. “Yeah.”
“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there somewhere.”
“He’s nice,” she says, turning to me, “but,” she pauses, choosing her words carefully. “He wastoonice. Is that weird?” she asks.
“No,” I laugh softly, leaning my head back against the refrigerator, but inside there’s a dread that she inherited too much of me. “It’s not weird at all.”
“He didn’t push me at all,” she explains. “It was my idea, and I should be glad that he was,” she pauses, “gentle,” she all but cringes, “I don’t know.” She leaves her thoughts hanging in the air.
“It was your first time. It’s not supposed to be good,” I explain to her, licking my spoon and dropping it in the container along with hers.
“That’s not what I mean,” she says, tipping her head back and staring up at the ceiling. “I wanted to feelmore.”
Setting the container of ice cream to the side, I swivel around, crossing my legs in front of her. I shouldn’t expect anything less from my daughter who I underestimated in the most egregious way when she told me she lost her virginity.
“It’s okay to want something more,” I whisper, placing my hands on her knees.
“I saw who dropped you off.” She switches gears.
My mouth forms an O and I relax my back, letting it curve. “I thought you didn’t want to know.”
“Kinda hard not to now.” She blinks her blue eyes at me. “Do Aunt Beth and Laura know?” she asks.
“No,” I sigh, bringing my knees up and resting my chin against my forearms. Unsure of how to explain what Adrian and I are to each other, I use a cop-out explanation. “It’s just not a good idea. I don’t want to mess things up for her.”
“That’s not fair to you,” Noelle replies and furrows her brows.
“It’s complicated,” I say with a sigh.
She looks down at her hands fidgeting in her lap and then looks back up at me. “Do you want to be with him?” She tilts her head to the side in a very adolescent way.
I want to say no. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I’ve never lied to Noelle and I’m not about to start now.
“Yes.” The word exhales from my mouth as if expelling it from my lungs will free me of him, but it doesn’t.
“Then don’t use me or Aunt Beth as an excuse to push him away.”
I flick my eyes back to her, struck by her words. “You’re not an excuse, you’re a reason, there’s a difference,” I say, reaching towards her to twirl a piece of hair between my fingers.
“You were crying when you came home,” she states, and sometimes I hate how observant she is.
“Like I said, it’s complicated.” I let go of her hair.
“Can I say something that you’re not going to like?” Noelle asks innocently.
“I’m not sure what could top you telling me you had sex, but go for it,” I grumble.
“I think you use me as an excuse not to get close to anyone.” I start to protest but she stops me. “But the real excuse is Steven.” She’s never called him Dad, because he never was one to her.
“Noelle,” I start to explain, but she doesn’t let me finish.
“You can say I’m naïve because I’ve never been in love, but I do know that being scared holds you back. If I had let my stage fright stop me from performing, then I would have never known how alive I felt doing it.” She opens her bright blue eyes, more full of wisdom than I give her credit for in her seventeen years, and I don’t feel so frightened of letting her go, because like Georgie said, she is magnificent.
“I don’t even know what this is yet,” I admit.
The only thing I am certain of is how being around him fills this void in me that nothing ever has. But I also knew the minute I met him I would get my heart broken, no matter what. The stakes are high, and I’m too old to play games withmyheart – or my daughters.
“Then find out,” she says. “I trust you.”
