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I hear a car door slam and then another. My heart beats wildly in my chest as I get up and move to the window. I look outside and see Chris’s truck pulling out of the parking lot and Joe is sitting in his SUV, staring at his lap.
My eyes burn, something bad happened, and it caused Chris to leave and for Joe to sit there looking upset. I move to open the front door, but he immediately takes off before I can do anything.
I close the door and go to my cellphone, and as soon as I open it I see I have a text from Chris.
Chris: You deserve someone better than me, someone who isn’t an embarrassment. I just want you and Madison to be happy and he’s right, you would be happier without me.
I stick Madison in her exersaucer and try to call him, but I get his voicemail. “Chris, why did you leave?” I’m proud that my voice sounds strong, even though I feel like I’m about to lose it. “Whatever Joe said to you is not true. You are not a freaking embarrassment. You are strong, beautiful, and everything I want.” My voice cracks. “Please don’t do this to us.” I cover my mouth. “Please.” I croak before there’s a beep.
Madison starts fretting, and I know she can feel the sudden change in my attitude. I quickly dial Robert to get him a heads up. He answers and I begin to cry while I tell him what I am still trying to piece together.
“I’ll talk to him and encourage him to reach out to Mark. It’s going to be okay, sweetheart, I promise.”
We hang up and I pluck Madison out. She begins to fuss and I hug her tightly to my chest. “It’s okay, baby. Daddy will come back.” Of course, I could be lying to her right now and my heart is breaking.
The rest of the evening I keep checking my phone and all I’ve gotten was a text from Robert.
Robert: He’s here, sweetheart. I’m taking care of him. I’ll ask him to call you when we’re done talking.
I decide to bring Madison into my room with me. I just don’t want to be alone right now. Needing to laugh, I turn on Friends. With baby girl at my breast, I snuggle into the pillows. I keep looking at my phone, but it stays silent.
She falls asleep as soon as she’s done eating. I make a little wall of pillows so she can’t roll off the bed. I know it’s not good to have her sleep with me, but I just want her close. I watch the episode where Phoebe teaches, or tries to teach, Joey French. Normally I laugh hard during this episode, but I just don’t feel like it.
I watch my hand as it rises and falls as Madison’s chest moves up and down. Tomorrow I’m going to get to the bottom of what happened.
It takes a while to fall asleep, but when I do it is such a light sleep.
Chris
I stand in the doorway of Haddie’s bedroom, watching her and Madison sleep. God, earlier had been a shit show.
As soon as I reached Joe, I crossed my arms over my chest, ready to hear whatever bullshit he was going to spew. He was my best friend, my brother, and I’ve apologized and tried to make things right, but he won’t let me. There was nothing more I could do.
“Why are you here?” I ask.
Joe shrugged. “How am I supposed to believe you’ve changed?
“You either believe me or you don’t. Haddie believes I have and that’s all that matters to me.” Haddie and my dad are the ones who have believed in me the most, giving me the courage to keep fighting for my sobriety.
“Don’t you think this is all embarrassing for my sister? Pregnant by someone who was so fucked up that he didn’t remember doing it? Someone who is living with his dad.”
I shook my head. “Are you fucking serious right now?” I took a deep breath. “You know, I’m sure there have been plenty of children conceived while the parents were drunk as hell that they don’t remember it. Also, not like it’s your business, but I’m only living with him until I find a place I want to move to, permanently, with both Haddie and Madison.” I held up my hands. “But you know what, I’ve tried and tried to get through to you, but you were obviously looking for a reason, any reason to end our friendship. I’m sorry. I’m in love with your sister, just to let you know, you know, in case you want to ruin that too.”
I jumped into my truck and took off. I quickly texted Haddie, regretting every word I typed out, but truth is, I let Joe’s words cloud my judgment. What if he was right? What if I fell off the wagon and embarrassed or hurt her and Madison?
I turned my phone off and drove around before heading to Dad’s. He must’ve known something was up because he was up and coming toward me the moment I stepped inside. “Son, what happened? Haddie called me and she’s worried sick.”
He made some coffee and then while we sat at the breakfast bar, I told him about Joe’s visit, running into a girl I used to fuck, and the uneasy feeling I constantly had in my gut. “Can’t you see? Maybe they’re better off…”
Dad got out of his chair and grabbed my shoulders roughly. “Son, I love you, but don’t fucking finish that sentence.” I froze because he’s never talked to me like that. “Do you not notice the way that Haddie looks at you? Hell, even your daughter, the minute she hears your voice she searches you out. Are you telling me that you want Haddie to find someone else, someone different, to raise your daughter?” I shook my head.
The idea of my daughter calling someone else Dad killed me. “What if I use again?”
“What if you do? Furthermore, what if you don’t? I’m no expert and have no idea the struggles you’re facing every day, but you also have to live your life, otherwise it’s going to pass you by.” He looked at the floor and then back up at me. “Do you love her?”
I nodded, because it didn’t take long for it to happen. “More than anything, but I’m scared I’ll hurt them both.”
“I get it, I do, but you have to work past that.” Dad handed me my phone. “Call Mark, talk to him.”
