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She pursed her lips. “That’s why I’m confused. I—”
“No, don’t think about it so deeply,” I said. “Do you agree with those emotions?”
Astrid was quiet for a long moment. “Not to the same intensity.”
Warmth flared in my chest. That was better than I could have asked for. “Then that part is yours. Your past will influence your present. That’s unavoidable. There’s nothing wrong with that, either.”
I brushed a strand of hair away from her eyes, my finger grazing her cheek. “It all comes down to how comfortable you are with the fact.”
She worked her jaw. “I don’t like feeling as though something is influencing my thoughts and emotions. But I guess, given my situation, I have to get used to it.”
I didn’t like that take. I didn’t like her being reluctant to experience what were really her feelings. “May I do something?”
Her brow spiked. “Sure.”
Taking a quiet breath in, and a sending a prayer to creation I didn’t fuck this up, I reached out and slid my fingers along her cheek. Astrid’s breath caught, her eyes widening ever so slightly. Yet she didn’t stop me as I tucked my finger under her chin and tipped her head up. I dipped closer and brushed my lips across hers.
I kissed her slowly, not quite deeply, but enough to get my point across. And to tease my senses with everything she was, tempting me to go beyond my point.
I pulled away when I felt the tension in her jaw relax. Her eyes fluttered and the pink in her cheeks didn’t escape my notice. “Whatever you felt from that, did it feel like your reaction and only yours?”
She licked her lips slowly, and my eyes tracked the motion. “Yeah. Yeah it did.”
“Then there is your answer.”
Astrid gazed up at me with those stunning eyes in a way that made them seem more innocent than I knew she was. It sent a rather conflicting wave of sensation through me. “I heard the vow you made when Aya released my spirit with the ritual.”
I blinked, my brain not quite fast enough to keep up with such a sudden topic change.
“Did you really not stop trying to find me?”
I nodded.
“You never tried to walk away?”
“No, never, Valkyrie.”
Her brow drew together. “You never tried to move on?”
I regarded her. I wasn’t sure if this was a baiting question where she’d be offended if I did, or upset that I didn’t. “Did you want me to?”
Her eyes widened. “I would have never wanted you to never love again. When I was mortal, I accepted you’d have to move on with your life after my death. I wanted that for you. I didn’t want you to be alone. Even when I became immortal, that thought never changed. I knew I wasn’t invincible. Just more difficult to kill.”
I clasped my hand over my wrist in front of me and bowed my head. “There was a moment in time I was overcome with loneliness. I hadn’t successfully gotten you back, I didn’t have Baldur, and I’d all but shut out everyone else I knew. I never planned to stop looking for you. I never break my vows. But I wanted companionship, and a part of me did want to move on.”
I shook my head. “I never achieved that last part. And after a while of moving from one woman to the next, I realized I had a pattern… they were all attempts to replace you.”
Astrid’s lips pursed, but she said nothing, allowing me to tell the story of this pitiful part of my life.
“Either a feature, or a quirk, they all shared something close enough to you, I realized I was either trying to pretend you never died, or desperately hoping one of them would turn out to be you.”
“How did you come to realize what you were doing?”
“The last woman was the most similar to you. And I… called her by your name once.”
Astrid winced. “Yeah… that would do it.”
Definitely wasn’t my proudest moment.“That’s when I decided to focus solely on finding you.”
