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Janessa was whiny and always likely to throw her allies under the bus to save her own skin. Helping her almost left a bad taste in my mouth. I didn’t mind taking a few more moments to myself if she was the only one in trouble here.
It wasn’t like Beryl would openly kill a shifter. Right? There were alliances keeping the two factions from fighting each other. It was a big reason, aside from Ness’s pregnancy, that I couldn’t ask the Pack for help. Beryl could cause some chaos with the Pack, but if she killed a shifter, then it would be an all out war.
But a tense silence stretched between Ness and me. I couldn’t help but feel like there was more at stake here.
“Who else?”
This time, Ness grimaced. She wouldn’t look directly at me. My stomach fell and the coffee in it turned sour.
“If you say my mother, I’m going to scream.” The words left me before I could even think to stop them.
Ness squeezed her eyes shut.
“You should have said that sooner!” I leapt to my feet and stormed back towards the castle.
Ness stood. “What’s the difference? I get that she’s your mother, but I’m hurt that you don’t care about the others in the Pack. We used to be your family.”
Her words stopped me dead in my tracks.
“What is the difference between Janessa and your mother? Is it that you love one and not the other? Why should they have different priorities?”
Gutted, I had no answer for her. I’d been so caught up in my own needs that Ness’s news didn’t shake me until my own mother came into the picture. Looking to Rhoan, I tried to squash the selfish part of me trying to justify my feelings.
I knew, deep down, that I would have given upeverythingto get him back, and the guilt of it gnawed at my insides in a way I couldn’t ignore. My thoughts were wrong, but that didn’t make me want to be right, either. I just wantedRhoan.
But Janessa was a person. She was likely scared and trembling in Mom’s arms right now. She deserved the same amount of urgency that my mother did, because I knew what it felt like to be afraid. I touched the scars on my throat and closed my eyes in an effort to remember where I came from.
“I don’t mean to play favorites,” I whispered, ashamed of myself. “But I’ve grown tired of losing those I care about. I’ve already lost myself. The thought of losing my mother, too, cuts deeper than it should.”
Ness looked away as she nodded. The fact that she wouldn’t meet my gaze meant that she had other feelings about the situation. I’d missed her, but there was a growing divide being cracked deeper by a wedge that I couldn’t control.
Everything Ness did, she did for the Pack. It was her reason for enduring so much of Alvin’s hatred. So long as she kept his attention, he wouldn’t hurt others. I’d seen how she’d suffered when he’d targeted me. My pain and rejection had turned her inside out.
I’d become far more selfish while walking a similar path. My job was to emancipate the Seelie from Beryl’s control, but too much had been taken from me. Could she really blame me for putting my mother ahead of Janessa? It wouldn’t stop me from helping her in the end.
I realized the difference in our situations in that moment. While Ness had a strained relationship with her own parents, she still had the Pack to be her family. Each and every member was someone she cared about.
I, on the other hand, kept getting betrayed by the fae. Tal had walked away from his court when it fell. Ostara called me worthless and useless. Then Foxglove decided he couldn’t use me to his benefit and left.
The way that we viewed those around us were different. While Ness opened her arms to her pack, I closed myself off. I cared only for those I had a personal attachment to. Was that so bad? Perhaps Janessa deserved better, and I was being a brat.
Tears of exhaustion burned my eyes. Rhoan came over and butted his black lion head against my chest, but it wasn’t enough to alleviate my guilt. Shouldn’t I care more? Wouldn’t that make me a better queen? Rhoan pulled back and watched me curiously like even he didn’t know what to do.
Throwing back the last of the coffee, I stood and went to change into mortal attire. In my room, I tried to explain to Rhoan that he couldn’t follow. He pawed at the floor, tossed his head, and growled in dissent. I fisted my hands in the air, but that did little to quell the rising frustration crackling inside me.
I wasn’t anything other than a tool for everyone else. Beryl used me to hurt others. The court used me as a shield against Beryl. There was no one here that didn’t need something from me. The rising expectations weighed heavy on my shoulders and shoved me down to my knees where I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes to keep from crying.
Rhoan came and rested his head in my lap apologetically. My tears dropped onto his black muzzle, but he paid no mind. He nuzzled my stomach and purred deep. I knew that it should have been comforting, but I couldn’t help but be reminded of how lost he was to me.
Had this curse not taken him, he would have had human hands to hold me. He would have been able to speak to me. Once more, I was reminded of everything that I couldn’t have.
It wasn’t fair.
After a long moment clutching Rhoan, I finally stood and changed into a pair of loose jeans and an oversized sweater. Had it snowed in Syracuse yet? Was the air bitterly chill? Had I missed the holidays altogether?
A part of me wanted to step back into the mortal realm only to be surprised by an impromptu Christmas party with my friends, as if this was all a set-up to a party they’d planned for me. I knew better, though. There was work to do in the mortal realm.
Mom and Janessa were waiting for help.
