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Unable to find the words of what I was feeling, I simply nodded. Her little hands opened the photo album, and right there in front of my eyes was a picture of her birth.
“She was six pounds, five ounces, and I was in labor for thirty-six hours.”
It was like I was there, but I wasn’t. It was the first time in I don’t know how long that I felt so unbelievably helpless. I thrived on being in control, and in that moment, I had none. The more photos Capri showed me, the further my heart fucking broke. I’d never felt pain like this before. Not even when I’d left Autumn.
To see the last nine years of her life playing out before my eyes was a kick to my fucking stomach.
Autumn continued narrating all the pictures. From the first time she’d crawled, walked, ate solid food, to her first birthday, her first bike, her first everything. I’d missed it all. The longer I sat there hearing Autumn’s voice and seeing all those memories I’d missed because she didn’t tell me we had a daughter, the further the pain inside of me grew, and it quickly turned into anger.
Fury blazed through me like a fucking tornado, taking down everything in its path.
“Daddy, are you okay?”
I abruptly stood, needing a second to compose myself before I lost my shit on Autumn in front of Capri.
“Capri,” Autumn coaxed, taking the album off her lap. “Honey, I think this is a lot for your daddy to take in. Let’s show him the rest later, alright?”
“Yeah, okay. Daddy, can you tuck me into bed?”
I nodded again. I was so pissed I could barely see straight, but I kept it together for Capri. Holding her hand, I led her out of the living room and into her bedroom. She went to her bookshelf and grabbed a story. I couldn’t tell you what it was. I moved in autopilot, reading it to her. She passed out cold before I finished, and I kissed the top of her head. Capri was a solid sleeper, and nothing could wake her up.
“I’m so sorry,” I found myself whispering to her, needing to get it out. I had to say it to her. Although she couldn’t hear me, it felt like I owed it to our daughter. “I missed so much of your life, and I’m trying so hard to let it go. But… I can’t get those years back. With you or your mother. I feel like I failed both of you, and I’d give everything I have to get back that time with you.” A tear slid down my face, and my chest heaved.
I was a grown-ass man. However, in that moment, I felt like nothing more than a father who’d wished he could have been there to watch his baby girl grow up. I missed out on so much, and I didn’t have anyone but myself to blame. I wanted to take my anger out on Autumn, and a part of me felt some resentment brewing.
She could have told me.
I would have been there.
God, I would have fucking been there.
“My life hasn’t been easy. My parents didn’t want me, and I always promised myself I would never be like them. I would never abandon my children, and yet here I am, hoping that one day you won’t hate me for missing so much of your little life. The things I’ve seen, the stuff I’ve endured, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can’t help thinking that maybe I’m being punished for something because why would your mother not tell me about you? Why would she do this to me? Knowing how I grew up?”
More tears slid down the sides of my face, and I felt as if I was breaking down, shattering in my baby girl’s bed with her in my arms and her mother in my heart.
“Seeing those pictures of you tonight… I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain quite like this before. I thought I could get past it. I thought I could push through. But seeing you, so little, so innocent, looking so much like your mother, it’s just… I’m finding it hard to breathe. I can’t tell you how profoundly sorry I am for not being your daddy. When all I’ve ever wanted was to have one of my own. I swear to you. I promise you I will be there for you for the rest of your life. I won’t miss another milestone, another moment, another birthday. It’s me and you, Capri.”
The sound of a shudder brought my attention to the door. Autumn was standing there. Fucking wrecked. Her face was flushed with tears streaming down her face.
“I’m so sorry, Julian. Please… I’m just so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never met for Capri to not have a father. I was young and stupid, and if I could go back, I swear I’d change everything. I would have told you. I would have begged you to stay for us, but you broke my heart. You killed me inside, and for years it felt as if I was only surviving for our daughter. I thought about you every day. There were so many times I wanted to call you and tell you, but I couldn’t find the words to say that I’d fucked up. When I finally did find the nerve to call you, your number was disconnected, so was your email. I couldn’t reach you. What else was I supposed to do? I hate myself for hurting you. I hate myself for hurting her. I just… Fuck…” She sucked in a breath, her body shaking, her heart breaking. “I never stopped loving you. Not for a second, a minute, an hour. I’ve loved you all my life. All I ever wanted was you, and I know the only reason I was able to go on was because you’d left me with a huge part of you.”
“Autumn.” I sighed, getting off the bed, careful not to wake Capri. “I don’t want to resent you, but I’m not going to lie to you. I’m trying to forgive you for keeping her from me for nine years when you know without a shadow of a doubt I would have been there. By your side, through it all.”
“You said it yourself, Julian. Old habits die hard, and it was the same for me. I didn’t know where to reach you, and when you became this big shot and were all over the news and tabloids, it was hard to see you for the man you once were. You know what everyone said about you, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you about Capri because I was terrified you were that man everyone said you were. And I wasn’t going to let you break her heart too.”
“I became that man because I’d left my heart and soul with you.”
Her hands flew to her face as she openly began to bawl. “I don’t know how to fix this. Maybe we’re just too broken beyond repair. We’ve both hurt each other so much, and I can’t keep doing this. It hurts too fucking much.”
“Kid—”
“I love you, okay? I fucking love you.”
She turned to leave, and I chased her down the hall. Grabbing her arm, I turned her to face me, but I couldn’t get a word in. She started hitting my chest, her fists pounding into my pecs.
“Why?! Why did you have to lie to me? Why couldn’t you just have faced them with me? We could have told them! They would have accepted it! My parents loved you, and so did Christian! Why did you have to break us?”
I let her hit me.
