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“It was,” I say, remembering the look on Kat’s face and how she held onto my hand as tears ran down her face. She deserves so much better than I give her. “You know why she tried to leave?” I ask.
He doesn’t answer me. He leans back in his chair and lets me talk.
“Because I told her that when I no longer had any use for her, I’d hand her over to my men to do whatever they please. She thought that being pregnant would mean I had no use for her, because I made her believe I was only ever interested in fucking her. I used that because I knew it was her biggest fear. Not death but being used like that. I told her that to keep her in line, Max. What kind of person does that?”
“The kind of person you have to be every day of your goddamn life,” Maximo reminds me. “You didn’t know she was going to end up pregnant with your kid.”
“Stop making excuses for me,” I snap at him.
“Fine,” he snaps back. “You want me to tell you that it’s been clear you’ve had a thing for this woman from the moment she threw a baseball bat at our heads? You want me to tell you that you should have been a little more honest with her about everything so she wouldn’t have been terrified to tell you that you’d knocked her up? Because I can do that too, but none of it matters, D. All you can control is what you do from here on out.”
“She fucking hates me.” I sigh, recalling the way she looked at me when she woke up in that hospital bed. Sure, her fake smile was in place as soon as she realized where she was and what was going on, but that first few seconds when she woke up and stared at me with nothing but terror in her eyes… I don’t think we can ever recover from that.
“Have you told her about the wedding yet?”
“Fuck, no. Now is not the right time.”
“So what happens now? You got to do all that baby stuff? Could Kat get sick again?”
“She has appointments with an OB GYN in a few weeks. She’ll still have the morning sickness, but she has some meds to help with it, and as long as she eats little and often, that seems to stave off the worst of the nausea. She won’t get sick like she did before anyway. But if she can’t keep the fluids down, I have to take her back to the hospital.”
“It will all be fine,compagno. I know she’s pissed at you right now, but it will pass.”
“I fucking hope so, Max.”
Chapter30
Kat
Lying in bed, I stare at the clock on the nightstand. I’m so tired and I want to sleep, but I’m too on edge here in Dante’s bed, wondering if he’s going to join me. And if he does, will he have any expectations that we can just go back to having sex every night just because I’m lying next to him. Will he still sleep naked?
I pull the cotton t-shirt down so it covers as much of my body as possible. If I fall asleep, I don’t want to be pressing any of my bare flesh against him. But what if I do though? What if my body just does that in my sleep, like muscle memory? And I wake up draped all over him?
The sound of the door opening makes me hold my breath. Shit! Now he’ll know I’m not asleep because I would be breathing if I was. Dammit, Kat!
I focus on him instead and listen to him as he brushes his teeth in the bathroom. Then the door closes, and I hear him undressing before he climbs into the bed with a sigh. I stay as still as humanly possibly, facing away from him. He always used to always roll onto his side and press his body against my back while sliding an arm around my waist.
But I don’t feel his touch. I don’t feel him move at all and a part of me misses that closeness we used to share. Instead, we both lie on separate sides in complete silence. I have no idea why it makes me feel so sad when it’s exactly what I wanted.
* * *
It’s beentwo weeks since my stay at the hospital. Dante checks in on me twice a day after lunch and dinner, to make sure I have eaten and I’m keeping hydrated, which I am, but other than that, I barely see him or speak to him. He comes to bed each night when he thinks I’m already asleep and we lie next to each other without touching. But on the nights when I wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare, I feel his arms around me for a few moments as he soothes me back to sleep. Then in the mornings, he’s gone again, making me wonder if the comfort of his body was just part of the dream. We are like two ghosts — existing in the same space without any connection.
I talk to Joey a lot. She is keeping me sane right now, because she is the only person I really get a chance to have a conversation with. I call my cousin, Mia, once a week, under Maximo’s supervision. I haven’t told her about the baby yet. It’s still so early and in a lot of ways, it still doesn’t feel real. I have my scan booked in four weeks’ time and maybe I’ll tell her after that.
I wonder how much longer I can go on living this half-life. Not knowing where I stand in the order of things. I feel like a shadow, drifting through this house without actually being in it. Because Dante is the soul of this place, and without him, there is nothing for me here. Maybe when our child is born, I’ll feel like I have some purpose again? But that is still almost seven months away, and I might lose my mind before then. I need to speak to him, if only he would give me a chance to.
I wander down the hallway that leads to his study. The guard gives me a polite nod. We have been doing this dance every day for the past two and half weeks.
“Can I speak with him?” I ask.
“He’s not to be disturbed.”
“Can you tell him I’d like to talk to him when he has a moment?”
“Will do, ma’am.”
I chew on my lip and contemplate just barging through that door and speaking to him anyway. He has no right keeping me here if he’s not even going to speak to me. But the guard is huge and mean-looking and I doubt he’d let me get through that door even if the study was on fire and I was carrying a firehose.
