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“This is who I’ve always been, Dana.” I look at her seriously. “You were just too blind to see it.”
I walk away from her toward the waterfall, still clutching the spear. I hear her cry behind me, but I can’t stop to comfort her. We’re so close to getting back; I need to hurry. The sooner I am out of her life, the quicker she’ll begin to heal and forget me; and the faster her memory will fade from my mind.
“Hurian!”
I don’t turn around. I’ve done enough explaining and don’t wish to get deeper into my reasons why she isn’t safe around me. I continue walking, feeling guilt overtake me, but I know I must feel my pain to save her from her potential harm.
22
DANA
It’s been five days since the attack, and we’re still not at the waterfall. When he said he could see it from the tree, I was sure it would be closer than this. Honestly, I’m not sure which torture was worse, what I went through with my last clan, or being stuck with this new version of Hurian for this long.
It’s similar to how he was when we first began traveling together. He’s cold, distant, and only speaks when spoken to, sometimes not even that. Sometimes he doesn’t answer my questions or respond to my statements entirely, and I assume he only answers if he feels heneedsto.
I sit opposite him on the other side of the fire as he cooks more venison for us. It’s been our primary meal for the last few days, and after this is over, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat it again. I’m not tired of the taste, but it’ll always remind me of him.
I’ve tried to talk to him about everything, I’ve even asked questions about survival tactics, and he’s not interested in giving me more than one-word answers. Do I actually care about how to fashion a spear? No, but now I know that the answer is only ‘rock, fat, and wood,’ so I have that going for me.
It’s exhausting taking the initiative. At some point, I think yesterday, I lost the will to continue to try to make conversation with him. I’m putting myself out there and wasting energy on someone unwilling to reciprocate even half my efforts.
I’ve known pain in the past, being locked in a box with cockroaches climbing all over me, being betrayed by my clan, and even losing my parents. All scenarios were dreadfully painful, but this is worse. Not that it hurts more intensely or is more fearsome, but because I can’t avoid the person causing it. I wake up every day inches away from him, and I’m reminded that I’m only good for a quick fuck and making healing ointments.
Luckily, we haven’t encountered any more danger since the insane tribe of humans attacked me. I was terrified when I saw him slaughter them, although I know he did it to save my life. I never thought he would get so vengeful and furious as he was that day. Again, maybe those are more emotions he’s evading.
I still feel safe physically with him, but I don’t want to open up to him any more than I already have. Even though a part of me sticks to that statement, I can’t help but want to keep trying. I have to be able to get through to him somehow. He warmed up to me once before; would one night of sex end the chances of that happening again?
He lies down on the mat underneath another temporary shelter and looks at the sky. He does this every night when he’s letting the meat cook, and I’ve also noticed that he does it when he’s done with a conversation. When we’re walking during the day, his body language signal for me to stop talking is that he’ll start fiddling with his spear. He’s kept it since he fought off the humans, whether as a method of protection or a trophy of his efforts, I’m not sure.
“You can eat,” he says firmly, pointing to the venison he cooked while not making eye contact. “I’m going to sleep.”
“Great,” I reply flatly. “Sleep well.”
He turns on his side with his back to me. I roll my eyes and take the meat from the fire, letting it cool for a few moments as I look at him. The sadness doesn’t lessen the farther away we get from that night we had sex, and I don’t even call it making love anymore, as that’s clearly not what it was to him.
After the meat is cooled, I chew on it. It’s tough but still nourishing. I’ve also noticed he’s cared less about cooking lately. It seems anything but getting back to the compound so he can get rid of me doesn’t matter anymore.
I eat and look into the woods, practicing my gratitude. I’ve had to every day since the attack since I no longer have someone by my side emotionally. If I don’t entertain myself somehow, I’ll go insane.
Every day and night, when my head begins racing, I either think of opening my herbalist business when I get back or looking into the woods and trying to find the beauty I used to see. My thankfulness has been scarce lately since every tree trunk we pass is just another reminder of him.
I finish eating and put out the fire before lying on my back on the other side of the firepit. He’s left room for me under the temporary shelter as he does every night, but I would rather get eaten by bugs or rained on than be close to him.
The last thing I see before I close my eyes are the stars hanging over me, shining like beacons, telling me I’ll get past this. I have to believe there’s more out there for me than this journey and being brushed off by a man I thought was different from the rest. I still can’t believe he convinced me he was an excellentorc.I’m definitely going to have some issues trusting any male orcs after this; Ithink as I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
The following day, I awake to him packing our things on his side of the firepit. While I want to ask if we’re making breakfast, another part of me is glad we aren’t, and it’s better if we get a move on.
As we walk along the river, I look at him walking in front of me. I wonder if I’m demonizing him too much in my head. He deserves empathy, too, and maybe the trip has just exhausted him. While I’m hurt and bitter, I don’t hate him or wish him any harm; I just wish he didn’t pull away like this.
While I hate how much I still feel for him, I hear rushing water. It’s loud and close, and I smile, praying it’s the waterfall. We round a corner, and I gasp; I was right. It’s the waterfall! We made it! I laugh and run ahead, dying to get to it.
I pass him and don’t care for a second that I’m leaving him behind. I stare at it, tears falling down my face as I bathe in gratitude. I turn around and see Hurian approaching, his face stoic. I lose control of my pride and race to him, wrapping my arms around him tightly.
He doesn’t hug me back, but he also doesn’t shove me off him. I need him to know I’m grateful he kept me alive all this time, even if our feelings are broken. I feel the heat of his body on mine and squeeze tighter before a voice breaks my grip on him.
“Hey! I found them!”
I let go of Hurian and turn around to see Ur at the top of the waterfall. I cover my mouth and laugh as I wave to him. I turn around, thinking Hurian must be as overjoyed as I am. His face is stone-cold as he walks past me without a word and up the hill toward the orc at the top of the waterfall.
