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“No. No, I’m not.” Tears stream down my face, wetting my cheeks.
“What can I do?” she asks gently as she rubs her thumb over my hand.
I wipe my tears away and look at her with gratitude. “Nothing,” I whisper. “Just you being here is enough.” I shake my head. “I don’t know the first thing about being a mother. I’m going to need someone’s help, and obviously, he isn’t the one who can give it to me.”
“I will do everything I can.” Bonnie smiles. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
“Thank you, Bonnie.”
She smiles at me and pats my hand before walking to the door. “I’ll grab you some food. Any preferences?”
“Anything but venison,” I respond gratefully.
“Alright.”
With a sweet smile, she closes the door gently behind her. I look at my stomach and run my fingers over it again. I don’t want the baby to feel any irritation from me. Even though they can’t hear yet, I don’t want them subconsciously to know I’m fighting with their father. I sigh and look at the ceiling. Usually, I would feel alone and isolated right now, but I’m not alone. I have my baby, and they matter more than anything.
25
HURIAN
Seven days without talking to Dana, and my heart breaks more with every sunset. I’ve been hiding out in the compound, avoiding the doctor’s hut as much as possible. I know she needs her space, and I had no idea how badly I hurt her until we spoke in the hut a week ago.
She is all that runs through my mind. I try to distract myself, but the thoughts are repetitive and intrusive. Any walk I go on, any book I read, or any social interaction I have is plagued with memories of her. Her smile, empathy, awareness, and beauty kill me every day because I no longer have the opportunity to show her how much I appreciate them.
I know I don’t deserve her. I went about all of this in the worst way possible, and my stupidity hurt someone again. I thought I was doing the right thing, saving her from more pain, but all I did was cause more.
Pacing around my home, I try to expel the memories of being so cold to her. She gave me so many opportunities to speak with her when we were on our way back. She tried so hard, and I shut her down because I had the great idea of wanting to protect her by shutting her out. Again, I was wrong.
Even if I tried to explain the reasoning behind my terrible behavior, I doubt she would believe me or want to listen. I’ve practiced my speech to her multiple times, and none carry the total weight of regret I feel.
I want her to find someone who will be consistent in her life and doesn’t have as much baggage as I do. I also want that for our baby, but I know I’m the best one to raise them with her. I don’t want another man raising my child.
How can I ask for happiness when I’ve destroyed hers? My baby might have first heard me being cold to Dana when we were out in the woods. I don’t want them developing in her belly constantly hearing us fight. Moreso, I don’t want them born into this world where they first encounter her hating me. I know they wouldn’t remember it, but I would.
I want to abide by her wishes and leave her alone; that was the original plan for when we returned home. Now that she’s pregnant, how can I do such a thing? Raising a child is hard enough, but leaving her to do it on her own would place a ton of responsibility and stress on her.
Plus, throughout the years, I know I’ll fall asleep at night wondering what sex they are when they’ve taken their first steps, what their first word was. If I’m not in the picture, I don’t even know if Dana will tell them about me, or if she does, I know she won’t tell them good things.
I deserve to have my child hear the truth about what an asshole I am. While I want to picture myself playing with my kid while Dana cooks us dinner, I know that will never happen. Not only have I messed up my chances with Dana, but now, my child will likely grow up hating their father, rightfully so.
I can’t fucking take it. I have to know how she’s doing. I stop pacing in my hut and walk outside and through the crowd in the main gathering of the compound. I look around for any sign of her, but all I see are the typical merchants and customers buying and selling goods.
I walk toward the doctor’s hut but remain on the other side of the main walkway, hoping the crowd will conceal me. I arrive just in time to see her walking out of the hut with Bonnie. She’s laughing and talking with her, looking like she couldn’t care less that I’m not in her life anymore. A part of me is happy she’s better off without me, but my selfishness wants her to miss me.
I watch them like a creep as they walk away from the hut. I wonder where they’re going and what Dana has said about me. I’m sure she’s only told the truth and that Bonnie will never look at me the same. That’s the least of my worries, but I still would rather not everyone in the compound hate me, even though I deserve it.
I walk to the hut and sneak around the side, peeking in the windows. I’m sure Bonnie has been taking great care of her, but I want to ensure she has everything she needs. I did some reading on prenatal care the other day, and they say that healthy food and bed rest are essential for the mother.
This seems like obvious information, but I’ve never known anything about caring for children or a pregnant partner. As I look in the window, I see the bed she’s staying in, along with bread, milk, and herbs on the nightstand. I feel like my heart is speared when I see the herbs. I try to look for calendula, hoping she has some as a reminder of me, but she doesn’t.
“Divine, have mercy on you, Hurian,” Ur says from behind me.
I jump and place my hand on my chest, catching my breath as I look at him. I shake my head and look at the sky.Fuck,I think as I look back at him.Now he’s going to think I’m stalking her.
“Hurian,” he says concernedly. “You look like a typhoon victim. You’ve lost, what…” He walks around me and looks me up and down. “Ten, fifteen pounds? Are you eating, and damn…” he holds his nose as he backs away from me. “When was the last time you bathed?”
“I, uh…this…” I point at the window. “Isn’t what it looks like, I’m not…”
