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“Fine. Can I be left alone now?” I point my eyes in the direction of Fernando before moving them back to my dad.
“Of course,” my dad says, turning around to return to where he came from. Fernando's mouth opens and closes. His hand rests on my ankle briefly, and he offers me an apologetic smile before heading toward the front of the jet. The door closes behind him and I sink against the bed, hating how much I wanted to beg him to stay. It was why he needed to leave. The longer he was here, the less restraint I had and the more I had the urge to ruin us both, if only just for one more fucking kiss.
The jet landing rattles me awake. Gripping onto the side with my elbow, I slowly sit myself up, still unable to move my legs normally. I don't like being this helpless. The divider slides open and Fernando slowly approaches me. Before he can reach my body, I shake my head. “I want my dad to do it.”
Chewing on his bottom lip, he straightens back up and walks to the front of the plane, calling for my dad. My dad hurries toward me and is careful to keep me covered in the blanket as he carries me out. I ask him to sit in the back with me while Antonio takes us to the house in the car waiting outside the jet, forcing Fernando to sit up front. I'm able to hold myself up the whole time, and I pretend to be asleep against the window to avoid any more conversations for the night. I don't care to hear about my dad's plans for the week or how he was able to find me.
All I want is silence so I can close my eyes and take everything I crave from the memories burned inside my head. In here I can have him again and he can take me back. It's the only thing keeping me from reaching into the front passenger seat.
When we finally arrive, my dad asks Antonio to help me to my room and mentions something about having food brought up. I don't miss the disappointment in Fernando's eyes as we pass him by. I wish I was in his arms instead as well. It's just too painful for me to have him touch me when I know he'll have to keep pulling away. Being in the current state I'm in, I'm unable to handle his distancing and rejection the way I usually force myself to. I'll look like a huge fool in front of everyone if he wraps his large, warm arms around me again today.
I wouldn't only hold on to him back, I'd cling to him needily and bury my face in his neck, drawing too much attention to us.
Antonio helps me settle on my bed and Cynthia, another person who works for my dad, brings me a plate of food. I hardly touch it, occasionally drifting off as I stare at the black screen of my TV. My eyes eventually lose the fight and I'm back in the operating room from earlier. The knife digging into my chest while the wrong dark eyes watch me has me jolting awake and I grip the blanket with my fingers, pressing my other arm to the bed. The clock on the wall tells me I've been sleeping for a little over two hours when it feels more like minutes.
Breathing heavily, my heart speeds in my chest as I glance around the room frantically. They aren't here. I'm alone. The revelation isn't as comforting as it should be. Shoving away the tray of food, I turn off my side lamp and curl up in bed. Breathing in the familiar scent of the detergent my family has always used on all the linens has me relaxing a little easier. I wrap my arms around one of the pillows. It almost smells like my mom and is the closest I’ve come to hugging her again. This whole house continues to carry traces of her one year after she’s been gone.
I'm home now. Nothing can hurt me here. Not with all the men downstairs and outside. Not with Fernando in the next room. Turning over, I face the wall keeping us apart and I swear it's mocking me. The cold air pierces my skin and my teeth chatter as I struggle to receive the warmth my blanket promises.
Bringing the covers over my head, I toss and turn a few times before finally sitting back up against the headboard. I throw off the blanket and swing my legs over the edge until my feet touch the floor. The cold wood has my toes curling as I attempt to stand and goose bumps cover my skin. I'm still only in the mesh underwear.
My ass lands back on the bed my first attempt and the next time I grab the dresser with my left hand to steady myself more. Ignoring how wobbly my legs are, I continue to slowly move one foot in front of the other and hang on to the wall as much as I can on my way to the chair holding my robe. Slipping it on, I exit the room. Loud moaning comes from downstairs and I scrunch my face at the sounds of my dad's praises to Andres. “Such a good boy. My perfectgatito.”
The disgust I feel is followed up with jealousy. Their relationship goes against everything, almost as much as mine and Fernando’s does, but they don't let it stop them. Maybe because they both want it enough. My stomach clenches. Does Fernando not want me as much as I want him?
The door shuts quietly behind me as I shake away my thoughts and I shiver on my way to the next room. I smile when the knob twists easily and the door pushes open. Closing the door behind me, my left fingers roll over the lock until it clicks.
This is stupid. Reckless. It goes against everything we agreed on back at the hotel.
“This has to end here.”Fernando's words play over in my head, shaking me on the inside.
What if I don't want it to? I tried. If I can't last more than a few hours, what makes him think I can go the rest of our days this way? My body knows he's close and can't ignore his nearby presence any longer. It calls to me and I'm led to him the way a lighthouse guides a boat home. Besides, nothing else can bring me the warmth I require, and I need it the way I did a year ago.
Moving toward the soft snores, I drop my robe to the floor and breathe in deeply. Lifting the covers, I slowly release my breath and crawl underneath, seeking out the large still body lying too close to the edge, craving its heat and comfort. I wrap my arm around his bulky frame and press my face into the hair of his chest, inhaling deeply. He wiggles beneath me and a hand falls on my back. “Pequeño?”
“Shhh,” I say in a hushed tone. “I only came here to sleep.”
His fingers scatter sparks along my spine. “You need to go back to your room.”
“Too cold,” I say, trembling beside him.
“If your father were to walk in—”
“Since when does he barge into your room?”
“Way more than you think. Nothing stops him from getting to me when he needs to.”
Me and my dad have that in common. Jealousy creeps up the back of my neck at the thought of Fernando doing his best to be what someone else needs. Why not me?
“The door is locked,” I add.
He huffs out a laugh. “As if that would stop him.”
Rolling my eyes, I lift myself up on my elbow, staring down at his hard to read face, wishing he didn't have the room's darkness to hide behind. “Him and Andres have been separated for two days. Trust me, he's not going to be bothering you or me for a while. He missed his little stray cat way too much.”
More laughter spills from him. “Fine, but only for a few hours, and then you'll return to your bed before anyone notices you're gone.”
“Okay.” I drop my head back on his chest and he drags the covers higher over our bodies.
