Page 107 of Catalyst


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“I don’t know how to do this,” she whispered. “I’ve only seen this in films and books. I don’t know what to do.”

“This? You mean love? Relationships?” She nodded. “Well, that’s easy. You just take it one day at a time and do what feels natural. You’re in control of it. He won’t take more than you offer.”

“I just don’t feel like I have a lot to offer.”

“Get that out of your head right now. For fuck’s sake, Clawdicat, you have half the man’s soul. You’re offering him everything. And beyond that, you’re smart and witty and stunningly beautiful. Why is it you only believe all that when you’re a cat?”

She looked up at me, awed. “I’ve never thought of it like that. I do feel amazing as a cat. Powerful even though I’m small and fluffy.”

“Delusions of grandeur.” I laughed.

“I think it’s because I feel safe. I wasn’t safe as a human. I was safe as a cat. Maybe that’s why being human again makes me doubt myself.”

“You need to switch your brains. Human Clawdia needs more confidence, and cat Clawdia needs less.”

“While we’re doing that, why don’t we go to Oz and ask the wizard for courage, too?” She laughed sadly, self-pityingly.

“A pop culture reference from a 100-year-old lady. Why, miracles will never cease with you! You’re a wonder!” I exclaimed and tickled her.

She giggled, pushing my hands away. “Charlie, stop!”

“Admit that you are a wonder.”

“That’s a stupid thing … to admit,” she said breathlessly, still fighting me off and laughing.

“Admit it. I’ll hear no more of this self-flagellation.”

“Wow. A big word. Was that on your calendar today?”

I choked out a laugh. “You cheeky little—” I threw my hands up, being dramatic. “I give up. I’ll just let you wallow in your pit of despair. Let me know when cool Clawdia wants to hang out.” I turned myself away from her and moved to get up.

She giggled and grabbed my hand. “Thanks, Charlie.” I smiled and settled back into the sofa, letting her cuddle up to me again.

I don’t know why I was letting her. She was Zaide’s, and getting closer to her would only hurt me, but it felt right. We were quiet for a while, listening to the sound of the shower. Zaide was taking so long, and then I thought about his Rapunzel-style hair and knew exactly why we went through so much shampoo.

Clawdia interrupted my thoughts. “Were you in love with Lydia?”

I made a face. “Well, no, not exactly.”

“What do you mean, not exactly?”

“I cared about her and thought it was something like love, but not exactly. My experience with love has been limited, so I could be wrong, but I always got the feeling she was hiding something from me, and that made it difficult for me to trust her.”

Clawdia nodded her understanding and then said, “Winnie and I couldn’t work out what you saw in her. And Winnie was her friend—”

“Wait. Lydia and Winnie were friends.” My mind buzzed.

Clawdia frowned. “Yes, you know that. Why is that important?”

“Does Winnie have many human friends?”

Clawdia sat up. “No, they are all witches.”

“She knew what you were, right?” Clawdia nodded. “She’s a witch too? Shit. How did I miss that?”

“Maybe because you didn’t know that witches existed until a group of otherworlders came for a visit?”

“Now is not the time to be funny.”

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