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"I'm scared shitless, Malachi. The lion...was like White Eyes. He watched James kill Storm without blinking an eye. I bet he sent his familiar or something to finish me off because he thought I wasn't worth the trouble to come personally. I feel so pathetic. I want to be strong. I’ve trained with you guys, yet I couldn't do anything when the lion came after me. What if James finds out that I survived? He'll come back to finish the job. I vowed I'd destroy him. I told myself that I'd make sure he paid for everything he did, both to me and to you guys. Yet, I couldn't even fight a lion!" I snapped, feeling so utterly mad at myself.
"Crimson, enough," Malachi said with a hard voice that made me pause. I pulled back and saw he wore a hurt expression.
"Why?! Why aren't you disappointed in me? The woman you love can't even protect herself on her own. I don't want to be known as a helpless newbie Kitsune shifter who needs her men to protect her every fucking minute. I want to be independent, Malachi! I want to be able to fight WITH you! Not watch on in fear that you'll get hurt!" I screamed, my body beginning to tremble as I sobbed harder.
"Dammit, Crimson, please. Stop,” he whispered.
I shook my head in disagreement and unhooked my arms to hit his chest weakly.
"No! Just tell me?! Why are you all so fucking nice? How can you always praise me and be fine with risking your life for me? People I knew for years wouldn't dare look at me. No one cared about my pain because I was a measly human. Why are you guys okay with ignoring how weak I am...why...why?!" I continued to lightly hammer at his chest with my clenched fists, crying my eyes out as I did.
My Kitsune felt just as hurt by the situation, whimpering in my mind, which only made me cry more.
I couldn't afford to lose to James again.
There was no way I could allow him to get the other crystals. There were poor familiars suffering alone in who knows where, waiting for their master to find them, yet understanding that it would never happen because she was dead and they would be forgotten.
Malachi held my wrists, stopping me from hitting his chest.
"Crimson Jiyuna, stop!" he snapped, and I whimpered at his harsh tone.
He groaned, pressing his forehead against mine.
"Hottie, please...I understand. I get it....more than anyone. You think I don't understand how you feel? I do with such intensity that I just can't let you keep talking poorly about yourself,” he whispered, his voice trembling with agony.
"But...but..." I stumbled, trying to continue, to explain how pathetic I felt. It was as if I'd gone backward, feeling confident in my abilities as a human, but fragile as a shifter who should be able to accomplish a lot more.
"Crimson, look at me," Malachi quietly insisted.
I swallowed and took a few calming breaths before pulling back to look into his glossy sky-blue eyes.
"You're being too harsh on yourself, Crimson. It doesn't take a single day to become strong, especially as a shifter. Fuck...I've been a guard for years...and I still wasn't able to fulfill my duty properly for Storm when I needed to the most,” he confessed, allowing his tears to fall. He let go of my wrist to wipe away the tears that rolled down my flushed cheeks.
"I let her down by not listening to my instincts...so this time when I couldn’t find you, I knew something was off. I knew you were in danger. I couldn't lose you too...I wouldn't be able to live if I lost my Queen,” he admitted solemnly.
"Maybe you believe you're weak, but I don't see weakness in the woman before me. You knew nothing about us but didn't fear the idea of taking us in. You didn't give in to James' constant ridicule and hate for us staying with you. I watched you jump off a building to avoid being caught by people who wanted Storm's watch and saw you fight the chilling cold after Aki revived you.
Crimson, power is not the only strength someone can demonstrate. Being strong is admitting that you're not perfect. Being powerful is knowing you have weaknesses and are willing to learn and grow in order to turn them into strengths. You, my Queen, are the strongest individual I've seen since Storm and I can't allow you to keep thinking otherwise."
"Malachi,” I whimpered.
He wrapped his arms around me.
"Trust me, Crimson. You will achieve everything you want, whether it's to become stronger magically or physically. You and your Kitsune will one day look back at this and understand that this was a stepping stone to help you realize your current strengths, as well as what you want to be able to accomplish. We're all learning. We're all growing. All you need to focus on is walking forward towards what you want to achieve. I can assure you that myself and the others will be right behind you, so if you fall back, we'll always be there to catch you. I'll always remind you how worthy you are, and together we'll become even stronger,” he vowed.
I nodded into his shoulder and just let go, allowing myself to cry in his strong embrace.
My Kitsune shared my sadness, but I could feel a hint of confidence in her after Malachi's speech.
My sobs eventually turned to quiet whimpers and sniffs as I began to calm. Malachi didn't say anything else, merely lifted me in his arms and let me rest my head against his chest.
We began walking, but I didn't bother paying attention, instead I repeated his words over and over again in my head. I started to feel a little more confident as his words sunk into my mind, which was beginning to get clearer. Now I understood that what he was saying was right.
"Malachi? Fuck, Crim?! Is she okay?" Quil's anxious voice caught my attention.
"WOOF!" Urufu barked, sounding super close. I didn't open my eyes, unsure if I could face Quil right now, or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to have a quiet moment to think.
"She's okay. She got attacked by a lion shifter. It had white eyes and was almost the same size as me," Malachi explained.
