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He looked back at me with a stern expression and lifted his right hand, tapping a finger to his right temple.
"No, Crim. What's happening up here? Mentally."
I was silent for a long moment, looking down at my fingers in my lap and debating what I could say that hadn’t already been stated.
"I don't know..." I whispered.
"Since the mountain incident, how have you felt?"
"Explaining how I feel will just sound like a broken record," I brushed off, trying to avoid the topic.
"A broken record I've yet to hear, Crim," Itsuki countered.
"I feel pathetic, Itsuki. I'm trying so hard to balance everything, and I tell myself, 'tomorrow will be a new day, and I'll be strong enough to stand on my own.' Then something happens, and I feel like all that confidence just vanishes. I’m placed in a situation where I’m vulnerable, which just makes me feel like I'm back where I started!" I exclaimed, running a hand through my hair before lifting my gaze to meet his.
"On the mountain, I killed the men who wanted me dead, but I died trying to escape. I got the gold crystal from the bottom of the pool of water in the clearing, only to be frozen in fear by that white-eyed lion. I fought off those men who were shooting us, only to pass out and get sick because I used too much energy and my body couldn't handle it. I just...for once want to do something and not feel vulnerable after. I want to walk out of a battle feeling as strong as ever and be able to go on with my day, even if it's for a damn hour before I pass out," I admitted.
I took a deep breath and put my face in my hands.
"I’m just tired of feeling weak. I've been saying this since becoming a shifter, and even though I'm a part of the cool crowd now, I feel ten times weaker than when I was human and living my life. I don't get why I feel this way or even have an explanation for it. I just...this is how I feel. It sounds so stupid to me, but I don't have any other way to describe it. Not to mention Storm's essence that seems to be testing the guys when I struggle with control or I'm half awake, or the dreams I have of her memories with you guys. I'm a bunch of feelings right now, and to be honest, I don't know if they're all mine."
I hadn't gone into detail about the mental side of things. Sure, I explained how weak and vulnerable I felt to the others. However, I hadn't considered whether I was dealing with some shifter midlife crisis problem or just mentally struggling with the acceptance of being a shifter and the learning curve that comes with it.
Itsuki nodded in understanding, taking a minute to think before replying. "Have you ever considered your feelings or lack of confidence could be due to Storm's essence and not your own?"
"Huh?" I tilted my head in confusion. "Why would Storm’s essence try to make me feel less confident in myself?"
"Shuffle over," Itsuki instructed.
I did, moving over to one side of the large medical bed and lifting the blanket for Itsuki to be able to sit down. He placed his phone on the counter and sat on the bed, lifting his legs and sliding them beneath the blanket as he got comfortable beside me.
He then slid his arm over my shoulder and pulled me to rest against his chest. "Itsuki?"
"If I hold you while explaining, I feel it will help you remain calm, instead of freaking out," Itsuki explained.
"Oh...is what you’re gonna say bad?" I asked.
"Not necessarily. Just depends if what we assume is what’s actually going on here," Itsuki replied. He took a deep breath before continuing.
"The others and I have been talking. We noticed the shift in you lately, whether it's a physical, emotional, or mental one. We started to worry when you were allowed to go home and rest and went straight to the training room instead. Not because you were going against doctor's orders, but due to the random burst of anger. Then you were so emotional that evening with the party, which was expected, but I think we've known you long enough to know you don't cry often," Itsuki explained, breaking down everything for me.
"Then Yoshi told us what occurred with Erica and how Storm looked like she was going to take over like she had when confronting Konashi weeks ago, and how a few of the guys already had been tested by Storm, especially Aki," he disclosed.
I wanted to apologize, but Itsuki lifted his finger and pressed it gently against my lips, halting my attempt. He shook his head. "This isn't your fault. Storm's essence is only the lingering magic of Storm and nothing more. It's not her soul; it’s a piece of her magic that knew its owner so well it could basically replicate her with very little difference."
He removed his finger to allow me to speak. "But, what purpose does her magic have and how does that affect me? Well, aside from her essentially using my body to try and get her way with you guys?"
"Your powers are probably what’s causing this to happen," Itsuki suggested.
"How?"
"One thing I can say as a person who uses magic to craft weapons is that magic essence doesn't like to be outpowered. If I made a sword and a magical staff, inputting the same amount of magic into both, the weapons would be able to be used easily by the individual. However, in some cases, magic can sense its fellow weapons used by its owner or caster. If I made a staff stronger than a sword and they were both used by the same user, the staff's magic essence would ensure its magical strengths are proven the first time around, so the person thinks they're better at using a staff than a sword," Itsuki elaborated.
"Wait. So it's not like...you know, in MMORPG games where you choose your favorite weapon and class that you already know you excel at?" I asked, using video games as an example.
"Just like in a video game, everyone starts as a beginner. It doesn't matter what weapon a shifter or human receives. Anyone can perfect it. However, some magic essence works better than others, and that's based on an individual's own magic capabilities and strength. When a person is able to use multiple weapons, it brings conflict between magic essences. Whatever weapon is strongest will use its strength to convince their owner to use them more, giving the impression the person is stronger with it compared to the competing weapons. It may sound weird to think of weapons having minds of their own, but anything that involves magic is somewhat alive," Itsuki concluded.
"So you think Storm's essence is trying to undermine my confidence or overall feelings in general? Like to make me feel fragile and weak so I get lost within myself and she can take over?" I summarized.
