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1
Iwasn't proud of wiping my snot on a golden retriever's fur, but Tillie—full name Mutilation—didn't seem to mind. For hellhounds, Taj's pack of dogs were really sweet instead of the vicious, man-eating creatures I pictured all my life. Well, notallmy life—just since I was eleven and learned about the world of demons and magic from my psychopath abductor.1
Blue whined, shoving his wet nose into the side of my face. I was such a mess already that I barely noticed the additional fluids on my cheek.
"Hi, baby." I sniffled, my breaths a jagged, chaotic jumble in my chest. It had been like this for the past three days, since Eidolon drained Dev’s life force, stripping his devil title and power from him—not that we were telling the locals that little fact—stabbed Taj so brutally that he was barely, just fuckingbarely, clinging to life, and kidnapped my sweet psycho, X.
Spending twenty-three hours of the day in the hospital with my injured mates was harrowing enough, but not knowing what was being done to X was so much worse. It was unbearable. I'd lost the complete ability tobear, along with the last shreds of my sanity. Not that I had many to begin with.
Someone whined—Mary, maybe, or Teetee—and I cried. "Same."
I allowed myself to wallow for another few minutes. I'd almost used up my sixty minutes—the single hour I allowed myself away from the hospital. Although calling it a hospital was a stretch—it was a dark, intimidating room at the back of Dev's keep, the back wall carved out of the cliff-face itself, with fire burning in torches along the walls and in a ring on the ceiling so the medics could see what they were doing.
Medicswas also a stretch. The word conjured images of calm, patient men, women with soothing bedside manners, or brusque battle-axes with hearts of gold. The medics at the keep had horns and glowing red eyes, or they were nine feet tall with the sort of muscles body-builders would dream of. And those were the women.
But their thick skulls were full of knowledge about medicine and healing, and that was all I cared about. They were also absolutely fuckingterrifiedof me, so I'd only killed three of them since they began treating my mates. I'd shown restraint, especially since Arkan's mind was stretched as thin as mine, snapping at the smallest thing, and Joseph was still in the safe house where Ark put him during the battle with Eidolon.
Joseph…
"I miss my mate," I sniffled, and then I was sobbing again, the dogs pressing themselves as close to me as possible.
My legs were numb from being sat on, I was covered in fur—it was even up my nostrils—the delightful fragrance of dog breath overwhelmed every other scent, and I had someone's arse in my face.
"I need my Joseph," I cried, hugging the dogs.
A memory tormented me: my reaper telling me he loved me, and me being unable to say it back. I buried my face in Tillie's fur, a keening howl in my throat. I knew he was safe, but the irrational mate part of me wouldn't accept that until I laid eyes on him.
And X…
"I can't do this," I laugh-cried, dangerously hysterical. "I can't tell you how many people I've killed,that’showmany victims there are. I've done so many awful things, survived so much crippling torture thanks to my abuser, and I survived getting ademon formforced out of me, for fuck's sake. But I. Can't. Do. This. Knowing he's hurt, beingtorturedby the person who torturedmeinto becoming this fucked up person … I can't. I justcan't."
I didn’t know how to endure it. If Dev and Taj hadn’t needed me, I wouldn’t even be functioning.
There'd been no sign, sight, or rumour of Eidolon since the fight in the throne room. Not a fucking whisper. He was gone, and X was with him.
"I've been having nightmares," I told the dogs, an empty laugh leaving me when Mary—full name Nightmare—snapped her head up and gave me an expectant look. "Not good ones," I told her. "Your, er,grandadusually takes care of them for me. But he's knocked out and weak, and I don't know if he'll ever wake up."
The part of Dev's soul I'd taken inside me screamed with pain at the suggestion and I gasped, bowing over and gritting my teeth. I couldn't fix this hurt, so I rode it out. Shame this wasn't the sort of pain that gave me power, or I'd be invincible right now.
"I don't suppose you can get rid of my nightmares?" I asked Mary hopefully. I wasn't a hundred percent sure she understood me. Sometimes I thought Mallie knew what I was saying, and Bea when she felt like listening, but never the others. Still, it was worth a shot. "I keep—keep seeing X hurt in so many new and fucked up ways. And I swear I can—I canfeelhim. I can feel the pain cutting into his body. So, I'd really appreciate a nice dream tonight, if you can swing it. Y’know, since your name’s Nightmare."
Mary tilted her head, one ear flapped upside down. I sighed.
A glance at the clock on the wall told me my hour was up in five minutes, so I began the difficult work of disentangling myself from the pack of hellhounds.
By the time I got out of the cuddle huddle, I looked like a dog myself—there was enough fur on my black clothes to stuff a pillow. They were the same clothes I'd worn yesterday and the day before. I only changed them once because Arkan physically wrangled the blood-crusted clothes off my body and hauled me under the shower.
With ten strong dogs pushing and shoving me, I crossed the room and unlocked the little storeroom attached to this one. I'd found the key in Taj's pants pockets when … when they cut the fabric off him to get to his wounds.
My stomach roiled, but I clamped my teeth together and pushed through it. Focusing on the manual work, I grabbed a giant bag of dry dog food and hauled it over to the food bowls set against the wall. Each one was made of heavy ceramic and personalised with the dogs' names and cute little paintings, becauseof coursethey were.
For a bastard who seemed allergic to emotions, Taj was thoughtfully sweet.
My eyes blurred. I spilled food on the floor. Fuck.
"No!" I choked out in a pseudo-order, forcing Chaos back when he lurched forward."Stay."
They were all so well-trained they obeyed, letting me fill the bowls and waiting for my command before they set upon them like starving beasts who hadn't been fed in five weeks.
