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Where do I go from here?
Even if Silvia could find it in her heart to forgive me, I don’t think I can forgive myself. IthoughtI was just crossing another ofherlines tonight. I did so knowingly. Grudgingly, perhaps, but still, I did. What I didn’t realize until just now is that I’ve crossed my own line.
What kind of man am I to be capable of such a thing? To ruin such a singular woman for my own selfish needs?
My father might have been a criminal, but he always spoke about the importance of honor–about respecting people’s dignity and showing them the humanity even the lowliest of humans deserve, no matter how high I might climb in my ambitions. And tonight, I know he would be ashamed of me. No matter what my mother might think,I’mashamed of myself.
I could hide behind the fact that my mother demanded I take Silvia’s virginity. That my family needed me to if we hoped to survive. But that doesn’t change the fact that I deceived Silvia. I told her what she wanted to hear to convince her to sleep with me. And that makes me a monster. She deserves so much better.
I sigh heavily as I war with myself about the next step. I should tell her. She needs to know. But as soon as I reenter the bedroom and see her slight form snuggled against the pillow, I can’t. Easing onto the corner of the bed, I scrub my face with my hands.
My muscles tighten, and I clench my teeth as the full force of my revulsion consumes me. Silvia stirs behind me as if sensing the shift in my mood, and when I turn, she looks up at me sleepily. Her captivatingly dreamy expression tears me apart. The way she peers at me through her thick lashes. Her hazel eyes are as close to green as I’ve ever seen them, bursting with brilliant color.
Stunning.
“Pyotr?” she murmurs, her speech slightly slurred with exhaustion. “Is everything okay?”
I drop my gaze to the floor once more, looking away from her as my shoulders hunch beneath the weight of my guilt. I don’t answer right away, my mind too conflicted to register the worry in her tone. I can’t shake the thought that I’m just a puppet for my mother, someone to do her bidding, no matter how cold and calculating it might be.
What’s worse is I can’t seem to stop myself from obeying her. Even if it means that I just ruined my best chance of finding happiness with someone I actually care about.
It doesn’t matter that I’m starting to have feelings for Silvia. Because I know the truth. When Silvia finds out what I did–and she will find out–she will never forgive me.
I pushed her into sleeping with me to seal our families’ alliance. Not out of love. And no amount of regret, no number of apologies will be enough to make up for what I’ve taken from her.
I see Silvia sit up from the corner of my eye. She props herself on one hand, reaching behind her to pull the sheets up over her hips and around her breasts. And I can’t bear to look at those soft, innocent eyes. So filled with compassion and concern. My heart hardens out of a deeply instinctual sense of self-preservation. I clench my fists in my lap as I sever my connection to her, withdrawing deep inside myself.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her voice quivering slightly.
Her sudden vulnerability drives the knife in deeper, bleeding me.
I shake my head, refusing to meet her eyes, and grind my teeth as I war with my guilt.
Pinning the sheet beneath her arm, Silvia reaches out with her free hand to rest it lightly on my back. A gesture meant to comfort me. And tingling awareness ripples across my skin.
Despite my will to close down and lock my emotions away, my body responds eagerly to her. A trickle of excitement runs through my veins. Then a lead weight drops in my stomach. I jerk away from her as if her touch delivered an electric current.
“Pyotr?”
God, I want to die from the pain and worry lancing through her tone. She sounds like she’s on the brink of tears.
“Please, talk to me,” she breathes, but she doesn’t try to touch me again.
“It was a mistake,” I growl darkly, still unable to look her in the eye. “I shouldn’t have slept with you.”
A heavy silence falls between us, broken only by the sharp intake of Silvia’s breath as she draws back. “What are you talking about? What does that even mean?” she demands after several painfully long seconds.
I almost tell her why it was a mistake. I should confess. She deserves to know the truth. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I know the look of betrayal she’ll give me if I admit to what I did. How I used her. And I can’t stand the thought of her hating me.
“Pyotr?” she presses, her voice growing vulnerable once more.
I just shake my head. I know I need to give her something.But what can I say?Anything but a complete confession would be a lie, and I can’t do that. I won’t dig my grave further.
“How could you even say that?” she hisses, and I know my silence isn’t enough. She needs an explanation.
I force myself to meet her gaze, and my blood turns to ice.
Because her expression already shows it all. Tears track silently down her cheeks. All signs of her sleepy contentment have been wiped away, replaced by a hurt that utterly destroys me.
