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“This may sound weird, but this is one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had,” he said, sliding a foot between my calves.
“This may sound weird, but it’s one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had, too.” And the weirdest thing was how true it was. I inched closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist beneath the covers. “That cardboard cutout of you in here has to fucking go, though. It’s creepy.”
“I dunno. It’s kind of amusing when I jerk off.”
“Goddamn, you’re an egomaniac,” I teased, but I knew better by now. Cullen was so much more than anyone had ever given him credit for. Especially himself.
21
CULLEN
“I think I fucked up,” I told Charity on the phone when I couldn’t keep my thoughts to myself anymore. The only people in my life I ever really opened up to were Houston and Charity. Considering he was the topic of discussion, I sure as shit couldn’t share this with him.
“Oh, Cullen. What did you do?”
Well, that stung. “So you automatically assume I did something wrong?” I snipped. I mean, in the past, I usually did, but that was beside the point.
“You said you fucked up! What was I supposed to think?”
So, maybe she had me there and I was just on edge. “Buzz, buzz. Bad connection. I’m hanging up.” I pretended to end the call, Charity laughing through the line.
“You’re stalling. You want to talk to me, but you’re scared. You don’t think I know you enough to realize that?”
Fuck. She had another point. Not that I planned to tell her that.
I sank back into Houston’s couch. The apartment had felt even emptier without him since he’d left after Christmas. Something about our time together had been different. It was all I could think about in the weeks since.
The Rush were still killing it. The wild card round of the playoffs was this Sunday, and I’d never felt better about my game, about my team, and fuck, my whole goddamned life, if I was being honest, yet I couldn’t stop obsessing about Houston fucking McRae at the same time.
I should never have fucked him. The last time I had, I’d stupidly told him we should come out afterward, and that had ended us. I didn’t know what it was about being inside of him that short-circuited my brain.
“This is about Houston, isn’t it?” Charity asked after minutes of silence.
I rubbed a hand over my face and groaned. “Yes. Fuck yes. It’s always about Houston. I’m in love with him, sis.” News flash, right? I’d probably never stopped loving him, but it was impossible for me to make excuses for it anymore. Believe me, I tried. I’d been trying forever, and the shit didn’t work.
“Is that supposed to be new information?”
“You’re a horrible sister.”
She chuckled. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to give you shit. I know stuff like this is hard for you, but you’ve always loved that man. And he’s good for you. Being with Houston grounds you…and I think being with you frees him some, too. His dumb ass just needs to see it.”
Yes he did. Could he hurry up and fucking do that? It would be great. Still, even if he did, that didn’t fix everything.
“You should tell him how you feel,” she added just before a loud laugh burst from my lips. “I’m serious!”
“I can’t do that. In case you don’t remember, that’s how we broke up that first time. Well, I didn’t tell him I loved him, but it was those stupid emotions that made me say we should come out, which made him break up with me.”
“Things were different back then. You guys were scared kids, trying to get into the NFL and make your dreams come true. In all honesty, though I still want to strangle him for hurting you, he was probably right. It had been a bad time to come out. I know that’s shitty, and the world fucking sucks sometimes, but times are changing. You’re both out now. You’ve been together for months. You’re playing on one of the hottest teams in the league, and Houston is coaching another.”
But didn’t she see that was why shit wasn’t different? While the Rush only signed me for this season, my hope was that they’d offer me another contract. I loved playing in Denver, and now Houston was in Los Angeles…which happened to be in different states. We were in exactly the same situation as before; the only difference was us being separated was a guarantee now, whereas back then, it had only been likely. And this time, our relationship was supposed to be fake and had an expiration date that was rapidly approaching.
I didn’t bother explaining that to her. She would argue with me, and I’d get in a shitty mood, so I just said, “I should go.”
