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She smiled widely, and her doe eyes sparkled with excitement. “How do you feel about surprises?”
“Hate everything about them.”
She frowned slightly. “Oh. Well, how do you feel about surprises from me?”
I grinned and pulled her into my chest, kissing her on the forehead. “I could become a fan of those kinds of surprises.”
Ice fishing.
She took me ice fishing.
Not only did she manage to find a spot on the water, rent a four-wheeler to get us on the ice, and get all the equipment necessary for the adventure but she even cut up the bait for us to use.
“I can’t believe you did all of this,” I said, a tad bit speechless at the thought that Starlet put into this activity to make it come to play.
“There was a fifty-fifty chance you would’ve hated the idea, and this all blew up in my face, and we had a very awkward, quiet ride home, but I wanted you to have a moment to feel close to your mother the way you made me feel close to mine on the hike.”
I understood that a woman couldn’t cure a person’s depression. But dammit, did Starlet make it a little easier to breathe.
It took everything inside me not to get choked up in my emotions as we sat out there on the ice for a few hours.
We didn’t catch any fish, but I caught a whole shit ton of feelings for a woman who came into my life at a time I needed someone the most.
If I had the opportunity, I would’ve stayed on the ice with her for a million more hours. I would’ve asked her more and more questions about her life, her dreams, and her goals. I would’ve laughed at her trying to untangle her fishing rod and smiled at her when she wasn’t even looking my way. I would’ve run my fingers against her cheeks and kissed her dimples. I would’ve told her how she scared me shitless because she made me feel. That woman made me, the cold soul of winter, feel again.
You would’ve loved her, Mom.
You would’ve loved her more than you loved me.
As that thought crossed my mind, a light breeze pushed through, hitting my face. It was as if Mom were replying to me with the words, “Never a chance I’d love someone more.”
She used to say that to me all the time when I was a kid. She’d put me to bed at night, tuck me in, and press our foreheads together. She’d say, “I love you, my Milo Antonio. Never a chance I’d love someone more.”
“You do that a lot,” Starlet mentioned as we sat in our chairs on the ice.
“Hmm?”
“You mumble to yourself.”
I hadn’t known she’d noticed. My brows knitted, and I shook my head. “Not to myself. To my mom. I still talk to her.”
“Good,” Starlet said as she reeled up her fishing rod a bit. “That’s good.”
That’s good.
What an odd reaction to learning that someone still spoke to their dead mother.
“Star?”
“Yes?”
“You’re really weird.”
She laughed, and I wanted to swim in the sound. “I am really freaking weird.”
“Good,” I said, nudging her. “That’s good.” I stared at her closer and narrowed my eyes. She was shivering. “Are you freezing your ass off right now?”
“Oh gosh, yeah. I’m pretty sure I lost feeling in my left butt cheek like thirty minutes ago.”
“Geez, Star, you should’ve said something. Let’s get going.”
“No, no, it’s fine, I’m fine,” she said through gritted, chattering teeth. “This is great.”
I smirked at how she was trying her best to push through, but I knew it was time to go. I started packing our things, and we headed back to the car. After loading everything up, I walked over to Starlet and pulled her into a hug. I held her for longer than normal because I hadn’t had an actual hug in the longest time. The last time my arms wrapped around a person like that was when I held my mother to say our final goodbye. It had been over a year. A year since my arms wrapped around another person. A year since I had true, authentic comfort from a person. I didn’t know how much I’d missed that interaction until it was upon me.
My body engulfed hers as her heat sank into me. The smell of her hair filled my nose as my arms banded around her. My hold was tight enough to matter yet not restrained enough to constrict her freeness. It felt as if her goodness was being transferred into my soul, and I was giving her the best parts of me in equal measure. I didn’t know I still had that. I didn’t know my spirit still had good parts to share.
“Thank you for today,” I told her. “I needed today.”
“I think I needed this weekend,” she agreed. “I needed you.”
