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I didn’t know how to speak to Dad.
I didn’t know where to start or where to end. I didn’t know if he could even hear me, honestly. I felt a bit ridiculous doing it but watching him hooked up to those machines was enough to make me want to try anything at least once. I wasn’t good with words. Mr. Slade would probably agree with that fact. Still, I was going to try my best.
“I’m pissed off at you,” I told him, staring at all of the wires hooked up to his body and the tube sitting down his throat. The echoes of the machines in his room were sounds that haunted my dreams. “I’m so damn pissed at you for ending up here. I needed you,” I whispered, pulling my chair to his bedside. “I needed you, Dad, and you weren’t there. And that pisses me off.”
I sniffled before clearing my throat. “Mom would’ve been by my side. If it was the other way around, she would’ve sat with me and told me we’d be okay no matter what. She would’ve been on top of every angle of my life. She would’ve noticed something was off with my vision before I even considered it an issue. She would’ve been there for me. So, screw you,” I told him, wiping the tears that fell down my face. “Screw you for thinking we had to drown alone instead of together. Screw you for falling apart and not thinking I could help you. And screw you for trying to leave me now. You don’t get to do that, okay, Dad? You don’t get to check out from here and find Mom because I’m not done being mad at you yet, okay? I’m not done with you. I’m not done with us. So, wake up. Please? Please, Dad? Will you wake up? Please wake up now, so we can be broken together. Get up, Dad,” I cried, placing my head against his shoulder. “Wake up, wake up, wake up.”
The machines kept beeping, but Dad didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t come back to me at that moment, but I kept cracking. I mourned the man he once was and the man he’d become. I regretted our missed opportunities to heal together. I mourned the pain that both of us had suffered. Then I came back the following morning and spoke to him again.
On day two, I held his hand as I talked. “They’re talking about getting me a guide dog,” I told him. “It would be way down the line. You’d be amazed at the process it takes to get one. It’s kind of funny to think about. I’d been begging you for a dog since I was a kid, and now I get one while you can’t say no.” I leaned my chin against his shoulder and looked up at his closed eyes. “So how about you wake up and tell me no, Dad? How about you tell me how you don’t want to deal with dog shit?” I nudged him slightly. “If you don’t wake up soon, I might mess around and get two dogs for the hell of it.”
I jumped somewhat when I felt a slight squeeze of my hand. My eyes shot to his hand in mine, waiting to see if I felt it or if my delusions were becoming too strong.
“Come on, Dad. Wake up.”
Nothing.
I said good night and came back the next morning for day three.
On day three, they removed his breathing tube and replaced it with an oxygen mask. That felt like a forward movement. I really needed forward movement.
“Her name’s Starlet. You might not remember this, but you slow danced with her on your anniversary. She’s everything good in this world, Dad,” I mentioned as I paced his hospital room. “She’s smart, kind, and beautiful. She’s so damn beautiful, but oddly enough, that’s the least interesting thing about her. She’s driven in a way I’d never been. She makes me want to be a better person and watches over me when no one else is around. I try to do the same for her, but it seems she has her life together much better than I ever have. She knows what she wants from life, and I have no doubt she will achieve all her goals. Sometimes, a lot of times, I think I’m not good enough for her, especially with all my issues. I don’t want to be a burden on her life with my sight issues. At my group therapy session, they talked about the extra burden that falls on their loved ones sometimes. I don’t want that. I don’t want her to lose herself as she tries to help me. Anyway, that’s Starlet. I love her. I love her so much, Dad. You would too if you met her. I think everyone falls in love when they meet her. Oh, but here’s the kicker.” I moved over to him, bent down near his ear, and whispered, “She’s an employee at the high school. My student teacher. Wild, right? Weston would lose his shit if he found out, and I’m sure you would have a field day cursing me out if you could. So here’s your chance. Cuss me out, Dad. Wake up. Tell me how much of an idiot I am.”
