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She frowned. “Do you not remember our phone calls when I was out on the road?”
“I do. I lived for them, even when I thought I hated you.” I regretted not only my cruelty to her but also things I’d divulged—especially when I’d hinted about the story behind the cilice. She’d been delirious with hunger; perhaps she wouldn’t remember.
If we didn’t have a baby on the way, I would tell her everything. But for now, I would do as Jack had advised and buffer her, holding back information that would only hurt her and couldn’t be changed anyway.
“Aric, I told you I would choose you if you came for me. I said that after I knew Jack was alive.”
This was true. Other facts gave me hope as well. Over these weeks, she’d gazed at me with desire, and she’d just kissed me as if she’d die if we didn’t reach our pleasures together.
And though she could call or text Jack at any time, she hadn’t asked to use the phone. On the rare occasions when I slept, I kept it locked to protect my own texts to Deveaux. To keep secret the plan.
Once I’d executed it, she would hate me.
Perhaps that was good. Her fury would temper her grief. She was right to fear releasing her most primal self. Of all the cards in the Arcana, she’d been empowered by a goddess who had embodied wrath.
“I will come back to you.” Evie’s voice was soft. “I just need more time.”
“Of course.” But we had little! Managing a pained half-smile, I said, “I am very accustomed to waiting.”
She hopped down from the bench and put distance between us. “I think I can handle it from here. After all, this is where I’m safest.”
Dismissed? “Call out if you need me.” I kept my tone even, refusing to betray my internal chaos. “And stay on your guard. Please.”
I ascended the steps from the nursery. Stopped in the hall. Turned back to her. Stopped. Turned toward the training yard. No horse.
Where do I go? What do I do?
Habit returned me to my study. This room held its own mix of memories. Making love to the Empress on that couch. Seeing her engrossed in my favorite books. The desk where she’d grown a poppy and told me to smoke it.
But not all the memories were welcome. I recalled Paul arrogantly sitting in my chair, smug in his belief that he owned me and all that I’d held dear. I recalled finding Evie on her first day back here, cleaning his blood spatter.
I’d asked her, “What are you doing? This is not your mess.” True on so many levels.
“Maybe I’m nesting? It just feels weird to have any remnant of Paul still around.”
“Fair enough.” I’d grabbed a rag, and we’d wordlessly cleaned together.
Now . . . What do I do?
Before I’d even consciously chosen to, I’d sat and taken out paper and my pen. In the past, I hadn’t chronicled my own games, because I’d realized early on in this incarnation that I would never lose.
Now I would write my history not only for my future self but also for the Empress. In time, she would give them to our son.
I wanted Teodors to know exactly what kind of man I was. The good and the bad. . . .
Writing as fast as I ran, I penned dozens of pages. But doubts crept in as I gazed out the windows at the night. Was this the best use of my time?
If I were as cutthroat as I once was, I would eliminate Fauna and leave my wife and child tucked away here at the castle. Out in the Ash, I’d target the Minors before they could ever strike those I loved. After meeting up with the Chariot, I would lure the Emperor to face me—
I heard a shriek from the barn. Fauna. I shot to my feet, snatched one of my swords from a nearby stand, and hastened in that direction.
Evie cut me off at the castle’s entrance. “Where are you going?”
What kind of question was that? “To investigate the scream we both heard.”
I edged around her into the snowy dark, but she grabbed my hand. “Wait. Lark might be working on a project.”
I raised my brows for an explanation. When none came, I said, “Ah. She’s resurrecting another animal.”
Evie averted her gaze.
“This is asinine. Her animals can’t compete against the Emperor’s lava and Fortune’s missiles.” But Fauna’s creations could easily take out my family. “Her greatest utility is to surveil for us.” I said these words with conviction. But again, I mused what my greatest utility was.
Evie met my eyes. “This particular animal might be an asset.”
Disquiet seized me, and I started away once more.
She hurried to keep up with me, blinking against the falling snowflakes. “Let’s just talk about this for a second.”
