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“It’s okay. Get it all out.” She handed me a tissue. “It’s healthy for you.”
Somehow, I believed her. She hadn’t steered me wrong yet.
“Wow, I didn’t expect all that.” I exhaled a jagged breath. “I’m exhausted.”
“But you made a breakthrough. Let it bolster you forward. You’re a survivor, Ellis, whether you see yourself as one or not.” My eyes sprang up to meet hers. “Your mom too.”
Fucking hell, I hadn’t thought of it that way.
“Thank you.”
That night, Nolan and I made dinner at his place and opened a bottle of wine to share on the couch. But I was still raw from my session.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Nolan asked, setting down his glass. “Talk to me.”
I fiddled with the bottle label. “At therapy today, we talked about my biological father.”
“You’ve told me he was a real bastard but not much more.” His gaze remained glued to mine, empathy blazing in his eyes.
“He was cruel, and I was afraid of him as a kid. I was undiagnosed, so I was a handful.” My laugh was hollow. “You know how I move around at night? Imagine that during the day.”
Nolan’s jaw ticked. “That’s not your fault.”
“I know that now. Of course I do. I see myself in some of my students.”
“That’s what makes you such a good teacher.”
My face heated, but I enjoyed the compliment. “Thanks.”
“Your father sounds like a real asshole.”
I nodded. “I always loved gardening with my mom, and he made fun of me for it. I used to collect dandelions and make them into bouquets for my mother when I was really young. Mom said I was the darling of the neighborhood, helping control the weed population—I thought they were flowers. I didn’t know the difference.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I mean, my parents’ marriage was a shitshow, but I knew my dad cared about me.” Nolan pulled me into his arms, and damn, I loved being held by him. I had about forty pounds on him, but it didn’t matter because I felt completely enveloped by him. I’d never had that before. I was always the big spoon.
I could totally get used to this…
“I can just imagine a tiny Ellis running around with a dandelion bouquet,” he said against my throat, and the deep timbre reverberated through my bones. “I wished I’d known you back then. Or even in high school.”
“What would you have done?” I murmured.
Nolan removed his glasses, placed them on the table, then resumed his tight embrace. “I’d have supported your flower obsession and showed you mine with music. Obviously, you would’ve related, especially in high school.”
“Show me yours, and I’ll show you mine?”
He laughed. “Maybe.”
The way he said it made me draw back to look at him.
Nolan said, “What if it would have helped us recognize stuff about ourselves back then?”
“I don’t know.” I thought about it for a moment. “Things happen the way they do for a reason, right? Realizing this now when we’re more mature and set in life…maybe that was how it was meant to be.”
“Suppose you’re right,” Nolan said. “Besides, you’re the only guy I seem to be attracted to, so maybe it’s just you?”
“Doubt it. Pretty sure that’s not how it works.” I rubbed my scruff against his. “But I sure like hearing it.”
“Listen to you.” Nolan snickered. “Will you preen like a peacock if I tell you I think you’re beautiful and I’ve never felt that way about another man before?”
I felt lit up from the inside. “I…I’ve never had someone say that to me.”
Nolan kissed my cheek, and I shivered from the contact. “I don’t think you understand how special you are, Ellis. To a lot of people. Your family, your friends, your students.”
I rubbed at the stitch in my chest. “What brought all this on?”
“You’re hurting, and all I want is to help take away your pain.”
“You do. You’re always here for me. You’re a good listener.”
He scooted back against the throw pillow, and I arranged myself to lie in his arms. Why did this feel so perfect with him?
We cracked up when Wednesday decided right then to meow in my ear. She still hated me but let me pet her sometimes. As soon as I put my hand out to do just that, she jumped down as if playing hard to get.
“Ellis?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you attracted to other men?” Nolan’s tone was hesitant. “I mean, I know I said I’m not, but everyone’s experience is different.”
“I can recognize how some guys are handsome. Or hot or whatever.”
“Why does that make me jealous?” He made a frustrated noise. “Fuck, what the hell have you done to me? I’ve never felt like this before.”
“I could ask you the same.” I lifted my head to look at him. “I might find someone attractive, but…I only want you, Nolan.”
“I want you so much, I fucking ache with it.” I heard a little growl in the back of his throat that made my dick pay attention. Christ, he was sexy.
