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“We’ll be adults about it,” Ellis replied.
“It’s not like Heather and I didn’t have the same thoughts. But that shit hurt.” He rubbed at a spot on his chest like he was still reeling. “It was painful to see her, knowing she didn’t want me in her life anymore—at least not in that way.”
I kicked at a speck of dirt on the floor. “You’re right. It would be tough. And I’m sorry you went through that. I truly am.”
I hadn’t realized how painful that must’ve been for Perry. His feelings had run deep, and he hadn’t been the same since. Like his view of the world had become more cynical. It definitely explained why he’d been such a grumpy fucker. He’d moped about the breakup for the better part of a year. I should’ve reached out more, but he’d have likely shrugged me off. He was sometimes proud and arrogant, even if he was hurting inside.
In my defense, I’d never felt that way about anyone before, so I hadn’t known how deep it could cut. Not really, and definitely not before Ellis. And now the thought of Ellis walking away shredded my insides.
Damn, I had it bad for him. What if he didn’t feel the same?
I pushed that thought aside as Ellis thumped Perry’s shoulder. “Just…give us the time and space to figure it out?”
Anthony nodded, a smile forming on his lips. Right then, I was so thankful for his easygoing attitude. I didn’t know where we’d be at this point without him. He was the buffer in this band without even realizing it. We were all different personalities, and every group needed someone like him. Someone who kept a level head.
I mouthed a silent thanks to Anthony, and he winked in response.
“Privately, though, right?” Perry said. “No make-out sessions while we’re jamming?”
I rolled my eyes because, under the jackass comment, he sounded envious. Or wistful. “All business, dude.”
24
Ellis
The car ride back to our apartment building was sobering and mostly quiet. I was having trouble believing any of that had taken place. I vacillated between being relieved it was finally out there—though that wasn’t quite the way I saw it going down—and nervous about what it might mean for our band and friendship.
“He’s right, you know,” Nolan said. “We don’t know how this is going to end.”
“Is it going to end?” I chanced a glance at him as my heart sank. “Were you planning a future end date for us?”
Nolan shook his head. “Today at my mom’s house, I was missing you.”
My breath caught. He’d said it while kissing me in the van, but this felt more intimate and real. “And when Annabeth brought Collin, I felt…hollowed out.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve dated plenty of people, but I’ve never felt this persistent longing to be with someone. I have no idea how this happened, and I’m…” He swallowed roughly. “I’m terrified you don’t feel the same.”
It was one of the most vulnerable things Nolan had ever said.
I knotted our fingers together. “I do feel the same.”
Nolan breathed out. “Thank fuck.”
“But I didn’t want to push you away. You’ve never wanted a serious relationship, so this thing between us is hard to define, outside of the fooling around.”
“True. I guess I just…I want to date you and see where this goes.”
I couldn’t stop the grin that took over my face. “I like the sound of that.”
“Me too.” Nolan lifted our fingers and kissed the back of my hand.
“What about our families?” I asked as we turned onto our street.
“I don’t know. One thing at a time?”
“Sounds like a plan, especially after that grilling from Perry.”
Nolan laughed. “Fucking hell, I need a drink.”
“And a smoke.”
Once inside Nolan’s apartment, he pulled me to him and held me for a long while.
“Hey, it’s gonna be okay,” I said, trying to muster some optimism. “Somehow, someway.”
“I know. Just glad you’re with me.”
We stripped out of our clothes, took a long shower, then crawled into bed, fitting our mouths and bodies together beneath the sheets.
“God, you’re killing me, Nolan,” I murmured as he rutted against me.
“I want you.” His voice was gruff and sexy. “Want you inside me.”
“I’ll get the lube.” I scooted over to his bedside table to open the drawer where he kept his supplies. I’d had my fingers inside him a couple more times since we’d watched the video, and it was…damn. Amazing.
“A condom too,” Nolan said, and I grew motionless as my pulse throbbed.
“What?” I panted out, and suddenly all the sounds blotted out in the room except for my rapid heartbeat.
“I want you so much, Ellis. Inside me.”
I turned to meet his eyes. “It’ll feel uncomfortable at first, just like it did—”
“It doesn’t matter…because it’s you.”
“Holy shit.” My fingers shook as I reached for a condom and the lube, and then I tossed them on the bed and refocused on Nolan. “Are you sure?”
