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He doesn’t say a word as he undresses me, leaving me completely naked as he slides in beside me and adjusts the blankets, tugging them up over us. I’m staring at the ceiling, holding my breath, when his fingers find my jaw and turn my face toward him.
“I don’t know what it’s like for you,” he says in a rough voice. “When you look at her, and you see a stranger on the wall. But I need you to know that what I see right now is the woman in my bed.”
A rogue tear falls down my cheek, and he wipes it away.
“I’m in your bed right now,” I tell him. “But if she were to walk through that door, and you had to choose, we both know who would win.”
Tension pulls at his muscles, and he doesn’t answer. There’s nothing to say when we both know the facts. This flame between us will either consume us or destroy us. But for right now, the ugly truth remains. I’d set myself on fire just to feel his warmth. So when he wraps his body around mine, we both hold on in deafening silence, not knowing when the end might be.
Chapter 50
Madden
—PAST—
Kieran and I walk through the courtyard on our way back to his room. As we pass through, several groups of non-profit volunteers offer us refreshments, taking the time to thank us for our service. With every nod of gratitude, uneasiness settles into my gut, and Kieran doesn’t miss it. He tries to politely usher us along as fast as the two of us can hobble, but a little girl darts out in front of us with a tray of cookies, looking up at us with wide eyes.
“Thank you for being a hero,” she says.
I stare at her, blank, as Kieran takes a cookie and thanks her quietly.
“My daddy’s a hero too,” she tells me, still holding out the tray.
“I’m not a hero.” The undeniable truth tumbles from my mouth, and Kieran glances over at me. At that moment, I can see he feels it too.
“It’s okay.” The girl’s mother comes over. “Come here, sweetheart.”
“But all our troops are heroes,” the little girl protests, staring up at me. “My daddy’s a hero in heaven.”
Her words leave me shaken, and it’s all I can do to force my hand to move as I reach for a cookie.
“Your father is a hero,” I tell her. “Thank you for the treats.”
Her mother strokes her daughter’s hair back. “Okay, Ally. Let these guys move along now.”
The little girl concedes, skipping around us to the next group. Something makes me turn to watch her, and all I can think of is Zoe. Baby Zoe growing up without her father.
“Thank you for being kind,” her mother says quietly. “She can get a little overzealous.”
“We’re sorry for your loss,” Kieran replies. “Thanks for doing what you do here. It means a lot.”
She offers us a watery smile and goes back to her table, leaving us to pass by. When we’re in the clear, I hand my cookie to Kieran, and he stuffs it in his pocket. The rest of the walk is silent with both of us trapped inside our own minds.
As it turns out, Kieran has a pretty good setup. He has a friend who owns a house in the area, and he offered it up as a crash pad for him and Ryan while he’s on deployment. The privacy gives them the opportunity to jam when they want, and it’s not far from WRNMMC. When he tells me there’s an extra room available, I consider it. I don’t particularly like the idea of them knowing how little I sleep at night, but this place is quieter and bigger, so I’d still have more privacy here. I could come and go whenever I wanted without having to make small talk with the other guys in my hall, and I’d have a spot to store more of my belongings. There’s a kitchen if we get sick of cafeteria food, and we’d each have our own bedroom, which are all far enough apart to afford us solitude when we need it.
After some consideration, I tell him I wouldn’t mind crashing here, and I’m grateful when he doesn’t make a huge deal of it. Ryan shows up a short time later, and after a brief reunion, we’re back to doing what we do best. It’s a natural progression, with Kieran taking on the drum set and me on vocals. The only difference is that without Wyatt to take the lead guitar, Ryan is left to fill that space. And it occurs to me way too late that he was definitely being modest when he played before. There are guys like me who play the guitar, but Ryan has a true natural talent. After watching him fuck around for half an hour, I can tell his technical grasp far surpasses mine. He plays every song we throw at him with a level of emotion that’s rare, and he trusts his instincts to tell him when to hold back and when to shred.
