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Does she know about Bethany, but she’s too ashamed to admit it? Is that why she didn’t want me there? Or is it because she’s still trying to salvage this nightmare of a relationship, and she really doesn’t want me to tell him the truth?
I don’t know what to believe, but I’m not sure it matters. The more distance I put in my rearview mirror, the more I convince myself it’s time to leave my past in Texas. Bianca showed me where she stood when she told me to get the fuck out of her life and never come back. She asked me to stay away from her, and at this point, I know it’s the best thing for both of us. But when I stop in New Mexico to buy a phone, I fail to do the one thing I know I should. Because at the end of the day, I’m a fucking masochist, and I need to see for myself if she’s tried to contact me again.
So with the same number in hand, Ranger and I set up camp along a dusty old side road off the interstate. There isn’t much to see here, but we’re both wiped, and it takes him all of two minutes before he’s snoring against my chest. With him settled, I swipe open my messaging app. I send Kieran a quick text to let him know I’m okay and my phone was broken. After that, I check my voicemail box, which is full.
With my breath held hostage, I listen to Bianca plead over and over that I answer her. That I tell her I’m okay. She blurts out apologies, then breaks down, spilling her every emotion before each message cuts off and moves to the next. She tells me that she misses me and she doesn’t know how to fix this. She talks about being broken and how she’s terrified of losing me. I don’t know what to think about any of it, and when the messages inevitably run out, I’m left feeling emptier than I ever have.
Calling her back feels wrong. But not calling her back feels like a death sentence. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to love someone I can’t have. Adam is my brother, and I’ll always have that bond with him, regardless of how bad things are right now. But I’m in love with Bianca, and it’s fucking exhausting. It’s wearing me down. It’s eating at my already frayed nerves. Every time she pulls me back in, I feel like I’m drowning, but she can’t give me her hand. Her hand belongs to him, and her heart should, too.
I shut off the phone and stare up at the sky, opting to remain in purgatory where it’s safest. Unsurprisingly, sleep doesn’t come for me that night. But Ranger is well rested and eager to get back to our routine in the morning, so we head out. We drive for four hours before stopping again to take a nap. And so, the process continues all the way to Henderson, Nevada.
Ranger seems to sense my growing nerves when my navigation tells us we’ve arrived at our destination. I didn’t get to attend Wyatt’s funeral. I didn’t even get to send his mother condolences. Truthfully, I’m not sure she’ll even want to see me. But I made this promise to Wyatt. The only thing I can do for him is make good on it and look after his family the way he asked.
With a queasy stomach, I glance at Ranger. He rests his head in my lap as if to tell me it will be all right. I give his ears a scratch and then lean over to the glove compartment to retrieve Wyatt’s letter. As I hop out of the truck and help Ranger down, I realize there’s a very real possibility his mother could hate me. She might want nothing to do with the man who failed to make sure her son came home.
I’m standing on the footpath, staring up at the little white house with dread, when the door opens. I recognize the woman with silver hair and wire-framed glasses as the one he showed me in photos. Jackie Adler leans against the doorframe, crossing her arms.
“I saw you pull up,” she says. “I was wondering when you’d come.”
I stare back at her in confusion, and she surprises me with a soft smile. “Oh, Wyatt told me all about you. I know who you are. So are you gonna stand out here all day baking in the sun, or do you want to come in?”
I glance down at Ranger, and he barks in approval.
“Bring the dog too,” Jackie tells me.
I head for the house on stiff legs as Ranger moseys along beside me. Jackie steps back to let us inside and shuts the door behind us. I’m not sure what to expect, but when she wraps her arms around me and gives me a hug, it isn’t that.
