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Ranger soaks up the attention, but it guts me that he doesn’t have the energy to wag his tail or even lift his head right now. At first, our arrival here seemed to be exactly what he needed. He loved going for walks every day on the beach with the guys and me. But his vet checks started to get more serious, and his condition has deteriorated. I know the end is coming. He’s having a harder time getting up. He sleeps almost all the time, and he doesn’t eat as much as he used to. Every day, I’m constantly questioning if I’m doing the right thing for him. If he’s in any pain. I keep him near me wherever I am. But Ranger can’t tell me what he needs or wants, and sometimes, I wonder if I’m being selfish by prolonging the inevitable.
I’m not ready to let him go yet, and everyone can sense it. None of us are. The energy in the room shifts as we watch him, and there’s a long, stilted silence as we try to process it. One day, we’re going to be here playing, and he won’t be in his bed on the floor. And I’m afraid when that day comes, it will wreck me all over again.
“I think Ranger has the right idea,” Kieran says, his voice gruff. “Maybe we should break for an hour and take a nap.”
There are some low rumbles of agreement before everyone moves to their respective corners of the pool house. There are two twin beds that Kieran and Ryan claimed, and the pull-out sofa is for Ranger and me. Colt lives in LA, so he technically has a bed if he wants it, but he’s been sleeping on a cot to cut down on travel time while we try to hammer out this album.
I scoop Ranger up and leave the guys to do their own thing while we go outside to our favorite spot. On the patio overlooking the ocean is a hammock that I often commandeer at night or for afternoon naps. Ranger seems to like it, too, if him sprawling out across my chest is any indication.
“That’s a good boy.” I stroke his fur. “You just take it easy, okay?”
He sighs and settles against me, and I listen to the ocean’s waves as I check my phone. There are a few texts from Adam I have yet to respond to, asking if he can come visit me. I’ve been putting him off, giving him bullshit excuses at every turn, and I still haven’t come to a conclusion about telling him the truth. I think about it every day. Despite everything that’s happened, or whatever’s going on in his relationship with Bianca, he’s my brother, and I feel I owe him that much. Maybe it’s a warped sense of loyalty, but in the end, my loyalty to Bianca is stronger, and time hasn’t washed that away.
She still texts me every day, and I’m still choosing not to open them. But those small glimpses of what I can see in the notifications bring me some relief, even as fucked up as it is.
I scroll through the rest of my messages and check the latest one from Jackie. True to my word, I’ve kept in contact with her, and surprisingly, it hasn’t been as difficult as I imagined it would be. Over the past few months, we’ve FaceTimed, talked on the phone, and texted often. She’s helped me to process some of my guilt over Wyatt whenever I mention him, and she sends me photos and updates about Zoe at every opportunity. Admittedly, I look forward to our conversations, and I can’t help but feel a connection to them.
I text her back with a promise to call her this weekend, and then I close my eyes and wrap my arms around Ranger, telling him it’ll all be okay. And for the first time in a long time, it feels like it might be true.
It’s a balmy spring night as I stare out at the ocean, finding a moment of peace in the solitude. Ranger is curled up on my lap, his quiet snores a comfort to my ears.
The past few weeks have been a fucking whirlwind, to say the least. We finished our album with the intention of figuring out our next move. The videos Ryan’s been uploading online have been gaining more and more traction, and he said he had some ideas about how we could leverage that momentum. I didn’t realize those ideas would involve a legendary rock artist whose pool house we happened to be crashing in.
When Asher Morrissey walked through the door, I nearly fucking vomited. Ryan told us his cousin was on the music scene, but I could never have imagined it would be someone who’s had earth-shattering record sales and sold-out shows worldwide. But there he was, in all his glory.
