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Lo looks into my eyes, reaching up to my forehead and pushing a loose strand back.
“What did he say?” I ask, not because I feel the need to know, but because I can tell she wants me to ask.
“He told me . . .” She sniffs and swallows, working hard to gain some control of her vocal chords. “He told me he loved me. I’ve waited forever for those words to come again.”
“Oh, Lo,” I whisper.
“He also told me to let you love me.”
My heart convulses in my chest, my fight to stop myself from crumbling under the weight of everything becoming harder. I have nothing to say in response. I’m blank.
“He said that to me, Luke.” Her bottom lip starts to vibrate again, fresh tears building. I’m questioning whether I should tell her what Billy said to me. Part of me wants to, but the other part is worried she won’t want to hear it. Or won’t be able to face it. “He told me I should let Luke love me. He knew your name. He knew about you,” she says, in some kind of wonder. “He knew you were in my life, and now I feel wretched.” Her head drops, and unnecessary shame takes hold.
It propels me to confess. “I spoke to Billy.” Her gaze catapults upward, and I go on quickly before she draws the wrong conclusion. “I didn’t intend to. You’d been gone for a while, and I wondered if you were in the room. The door was open.”
“I was trying to get hold of his parents. I then . . . spoke to Dr. Smith. He’ll . . . organize for Billy’s body—”
“Shh. You don’t need to explain, darling.” I graze her cheek with my fingertip. “I peered through the door. I was silent as a mouse, but he knew someone was there. I told him I had the wrong room.” I pause for a second, letting what I’m telling her sink in. “He told me I was as bad at lying as you.”
A choke of laughter spills over her sobs, and I can see she instantly chastises herself for it.
“He asked me if I was in love with you,” I tell her quietly, regaining her eyes. “I didn’t lie to him.”
A small hitch of breath is barely disguised by another sob. “He asked you that?”
I nod. “He also told me that he’ll haunt me forever if I ever hurt you.”
Lo’s eyes well to bursting point again, her teeth biting harshly down on her bottom lip.
“I’ll never hurt you, Lo,” I say ardently. “Never. I’ll be here for you, but you need to help me navigate this, because I’m truly lost.” I feel so stupid telling her this. She’s lost her husband, and I’m asking her to help me? But I have to be honest with her if I’m going to come out the other side a sane man, and if I’m truly going to avoid hurting her. “I won’t break my promise to Billy. I’ll look after you for him, in whatever way you need me to. If I’m suffocating you, tell me to fuck off. If you need to talk, speak to me. If you want me to hold you, say the words. I can’t bring him back, but I can try my hardest to help you through this.” Reaching up to her cheek, I circle the pad of my thumb over her cheekbone, smiling a sad smile when she takes my hand and holds it in place. “This isn’t conventional. I can only try to comprehend your pain and anguish. But I won’t give up on you, Lo. No matter how long it takes. No matter where it takes us. I’ll be here no matter what.” Rivers of tears stream down her red face, and she collapses against me heavily. “He’s not in pain anymore, Lo. He’s not suffering.”
She sniffles and nods against me, huddled into my body, and I gently comb my fingers through her hair, patiently waiting for her to sob her way through it. It’s peaceful, but that peace is broken when a distressed cry rings out from beyond the door. Lo’s out of my arms quickly, scrambling to her feet.
“Billy’s mum.” She stares at the door, like she’s dreading seeing her.
Slowly getting to my feet, I join Lo’s side. “This is one of those times when I need you to tell me what to do.” I rest my hand on her shoulder and gently massage, feeling the tightness there. She’s worried.
Her gaze bounces from me to the door a few times, her uncertainty obvious. “You should stay here,” she breathes, giving me apologetic eyes. “Billy’s mother can be . . . difficult.”
I nod my acceptance, though Lo’s summary for her mother-in-law doesn’t fill me with ease. Difficult? “Okay. I’ll be here if you need me.”
